to think MIL asking ds to keep a secret from me undermines me and is out of order?

[dobedobedo]

MIL (ds1 step-gran) has a "secret tea" with my ds. I don't allow him to have sugar in his (decaf) tea, but they have a little secret where she gives him sugar in it and they don't tell me.

Ds1 has asked me a few times for sugar in his tea and I've refused. She knows this. She's been there.

Dh thinks this is a sweet little bonding secret between them. I think it's out of order as I'm the mum and I should have the final word and it is never okay for my 9 year old to have secrets from me. He's not quite mature enough to ascertain between an innocuous one and an important one I think, iyswim.

I do know sugar in tea isn't the end of the world. I know she's not asking him to keep a sinister secret, but I think the secret keeping and undermining me here is the issue. Not the sugar in the frigging tea.

AIBU? The whole thing has me quite upset tbh, especially when DH is giving me shit for not thinking it's cute.

YABU - let it go.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. My paternal grandmother used to get me to collude in similar innocuous behaviour that we both knew my mum wouldn't approve of and had to be done behind her back. It made me feel disloyal and very uncomfortable. Once I was old enough I did everything I could to avoid spending time with her. By my teens I had zero relationship with her.

Anything else to share OP? Is grandma actually grandma, or is she a middle age friend of a friend with a history of child trafficking?

''The advice is given for a very good reason. Why would you ignore it.''

Because I am perfectly capable of raising my children without taking on every single piece of advice I read.

Sorry, that was ruder than I intended. But you would probably have got quite different advice if you'd added those bits first.

Ok, that changes things somewhat, but I still stand by most of my post.

I agree with your dh. It is good that your ds has a bonding ritual with his dsgm. Children cannot have too much love or too many people having a loving connection with them. (And I'm not talking about busybody 'love').

However, I agree that learning to differentiate between happy secrets and worrying secrets will be more of a challenge for your ds, and that is the point you need to emphasise. I think you need a frank discussion with your MIL, explaining that you are happy for them to have their own special things, but that it needs to be done openly and not in secret. Does MIL understand about his autism?

I don't know whether this helps, but I went through similar with my MIL when my DS was much younger (must have been two or three). She gave him some chocolates and said 'don't tell Mummy, she wouldn't like it.'

This made DS quite uncomfortable, and it made him feel as though chocolate was a bad thing, so it ended up being really confusing.

The way I dealt with it was to simply say to her that I think it's a bad idea to ask him to keep secrets from me, and of course I don't mind the odd chocolate or bit of sugar here and there, so could she please not imply that I would. I said this in front of DS because I needed him to know that secrets from a mother aren't ideal, and you know what? I'm not a nasty dragon-ogre who's going to kick off because he has had a bit of chocolate as a one-off treat. It was important that both he and she understood those things.

MIL and I get on very well these days, largely because we've both worked at it and compromised. DS particularly doesn't have any secrets from me (he can't cope with them, poor soul). MIL will always treat both children when she's down, and I deal with that by adjusting what they eat later in the week. If there's a specific issue from either of us, we discuss it with the other.

My point is, sometimes pushing back just gets someone else to push back too.

I'm looking at my now nine-year-old DS, and I do wonder for how long you're going to be able to control precisely what he eats. In two years, he'll be going to senior school. He's probably going to start to want to hang out with his mates elsewhere. It might be a good idea if you instil in him now, when he's still young, that he is in control of what he consumes, and you'd much prefer he relaxed about it and told you without fear of judgement than didn't.

Okay-autism is relevant
The step-grandparent aspect isn't really important is it?

I'm with your DH, YABU.

Maybe she shouldn't call it 'secret tea', instead she could say "I know your Mum doesn't allow sugar, but as a treat at Grandma's I am going to let you have it".

I think it's nice for children to have special treats when with their grandparents. Maybe she thinks you are overreacting about the sugar, if you accepted that your DS has treats at your MIL's then it wouldn't need to be a secret.

I've just seen your other thread and this is just a part of your mil deliberately trying to undermine you. Can I just check that what is happening is that you are saying no to your son then mil is putting the sugar into that particular drink behind your back? Which I don't think is quite what people are imagining is happening.

jeeeeez. YABU, even with the update.

Fine, so maybe for your child this is not okay. Can't say as I don't have any experience with HFA.

I still stand by my original point that this wouldn't be a problem with most 9yos.

Fgs are you really going to cause an issue with her over sugar in tea. Op there really are much much much bigger things in life to fall out with someone over.

Op my dd7 has high functioning ASD and she is allowed choices some of which include the occasional unhealthy one. But the secret keeping is difficult. You could say to granny, you are fine that ds has sugar in his tea if he wants but you feel a but weary asking him to keep secrets.

You could just say to him your ds it's ok if you want sugar in your tea, don't have to keep that a secret.

Because I am perfectly capable of raising my children without taking on every single piece of advice I read.

Your statement wasn't about just your own children. It was about children in general.

'A child' cannot be relied upon to know the difference between good and bad secrets. That has been demonstrated repeatedly when child abuse has been uncovered and suggesting otherwise is rather irresponsible.

It is up to you if you want to take the risk with your own children but it's worng to suggest that others should do the same on a parenting forum.

I can understand where you're coming from but under the circumstances think it might be best filed under the heading 'pick your battles'.

Surely at 9 you could have a chat with DS & explain that some secrets, like sugar in tea, are fun, but if anyone does/says something or asks him to do something that makes him upset/uncomfortable & says it's a secret, then he must tell someone.

I would have thought at that age he would be able to make the distinction (I have a 9yo DD).

Fgs are you really going to cause an issue with her over sugar in tea.

No. Her concern is about her child being told to keep secrets from her.

I thought a child of 9 shouldn't be asked to keep any secrets. I don't know if the autism diagnosis makes a difference as he's easily led, maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. (i hate it when people blame everything on a diagnosis when it might just be part of the child's personality or how they were raised or something).

I can take some of you saying IABU. Really. I know it's a little bit of sugar. I'm very pleased that MIL treats him as if he's her own GC. And it's a running joke about GPs shovelling skittles and all kinds of stuff I wouldn't normally feed ds into him when he visits. I get it and I don't mind that much.

I feel undermined though. I think I should have the last word when it comes to ds and it's wrong for someone else to undermine me cos I wouldn't do it with someone else's kids.

DH is ds1's step dad. Thought this was clear from OP, sorry if not. He doesn't have final say with ds1. His bio dad and I do. (although he is part of decisions and has close relationship with ds1, if we disagree it's bio parents with deciding vote).

I might be overly sensitive to being undermined, but MIL is disagreeing with everything on how I raise ds2 and he's only a little baby and my hackles are prob up because of this. (though separate issue).

I still don't like being undermined.

It's not really about the sugar, is it?

Whether it's a cute 'secret' or uncomfortable and manipulative depends entirely on the relationship between OP and step MIL.

Open 'secrets' within a context of general respect for what mummy and daddy say is one thing.

An implied 'Mummy has daft ideas about sugar so drink up and don't tell her' - that would annoy me.

And again, secrets and surprises: two very different things!

X post!

Another who is totally with your DH!!
This is exactly one of the reasons I can't wait to be a Gran. We had all kind of secrets with ours just like this! Being allowed to drink tea being one of them.
And as your DH points out, as this is such a rare occurrence you are bordering on control freaky in worrying about it.

Yabu. He's nine; he'll be getting sugar in all sorts of places you don't know about.

I think the question to ask yourself here is, 'Would I feel the same about it if it was my own mum doing it, or am I finding it a big deal because it's mil?' Only you know the answer to that.

I think it's sweet that she sees him a couple of times a year and gives him a 'secret' treat - and let's face it, it's not even a secret at all.

I opened this thread expecting to read something disturbing, and it's about sugar in tea!

OP - my auntie (mum's sister) did this when I was a kid...she used to give me a cuppa with two sugars in it, and let me read her copy of The Sun. Lol!
It was a don't-tell-your-mum scenario and I loved her for it.

I agree with your dh that it's a harmless bonding thing, and I think you sound very grave about something that is really unimportant. I think your mindset has set the tone for the thread too, and other people here agree that it is a terrible state of affairs.

Come on now...you will look back on this when your son is grown up and wonder why you cared.

I'm really not convinced about this zero tolerence rule for secrets. I don't see how having some blanket ban that applies to things like sweeties from grandma protects children or creates a situation where they will be more likely to tell the "bad" secrets. A grandma not telling their DGC to keep a secret won't stop someone else telling them to keep one. If he's going to keep the secret he's going to keep it. Letting them know that it's not bad to tell a secret (or anything else) to someone they trust if they are at all unsure etc. seems better than not exposing them to the idea of secrets in the first place.

Having a blanket rule does nothing to teach them the difference between a secret they should keep and one they shouldn't. It interferes with their building seperate relationships with others and developing their individuality. And it makes them more vulnerable to abuse by their parents.

I do understand the fear about DCs having secrets. I understand it makes it harder to feel like you're keeping them safe. But I think this is one of those areas that you have to try and walk a tightrope, not demand adherence to a hard rule. I wrote this bit before I read the autism diagnosis. I don't know if that makes a difference, and it may be worth talking to a specialist about it and then talking with your MIL in regard to how to best help your DS since he has autism. But I think that would mean letting it be "grandma tea" rather than "secret tea".

As to the being undermined by grandma giving sugar in the tea - you really have to pick your battles on things like that. If it is just sugar in his tea from time to time and she isn't completely loading him up with sugar at every opportunity I would drop it unless there is more to it as that is not going to unbalance his diet. And your DH does not seem to be on board with the no sugar rule either, so I don't think it's so much that you are being undermined as that you all have to realise there is more than one way to live life.