to think MIL asking ds to keep a secret from me undermines me and is out of order?

[dobedobedo]

MIL (ds1 step-gran) has a "secret tea" with my ds. I don't allow him to have sugar in his (decaf) tea, but they have a little secret where she gives him sugar in it and they don't tell me.

Ds1 has asked me a few times for sugar in his tea and I've refused. She knows this. She's been there.

Dh thinks this is a sweet little bonding secret between them. I think it's out of order as I'm the mum and I should have the final word and it is never okay for my 9 year old to have secrets from me. He's not quite mature enough to ascertain between an innocuous one and an important one I think, iyswim.

I do know sugar in tea isn't the end of the world. I know she's not asking him to keep a sinister secret, but I think the secret keeping and undermining me here is the issue. Not the sugar in the frigging tea.

AIBU? The whole thing has me quite upset tbh, especially when DH is giving me shit for not thinking it's cute.

Yes, I have, Goldmandra. Which 'bit' do you think I missed exactly?

Is it also an issue in that she's not related to your DS, that she's way down in the list after bioparents and stepfather?
That she's getting involved in how you parent the boy that is related to her, and you are feeling defensive about it all?
Perhaps the visits should be with you present and supervising, rather than any alone time between your DS and his stepgrandmother. She seems to be trying to treat him as if he was her grandson, with all the petty annoyances that it brings.
I still think you are over-reacting, but you obviously need a solution of some sort.

Interesting thread.

We subscribe to the yes surprises/no secrets model, with the additional very firm rule that nobody should ever ask you to keep a secret from all your "special grownups" although you might choose to tell your teacher rather than daddy, or grandma instead of grandad, or whatever.

Coaching a child to keep secrets from or lie to their parents/special grownups is thoughtless and potentially harmful, so sensible people just don't do it. That's the problem here.

And the step is statistically relevant, unfortunately.

Finally, sweet tea is revolting and should be illegal

Which 'bit' do you think I missed exactly?

The numerous posts where people clearly do think it's all about the sugar.

The information about the OP's DH not being the child's father.

Grandparents spoil their grandkids FACT! I was never allowed sweets but for some reason they buy my kids bags of the stuff much to my annoyance.

Im always the bad cop!!!!

Got both of those, Goldmandra and acknowledged them 11:09 yesterday and 15:15 today.

Jas yes! It's the same rules in that the grandparents get to buy 'fun' stuff at Christmas and the parents buy 'needed' stuff. It's a parent's job to do what's needed - grandparents are for fun.

* It's the same rules in that the grandparents get to buy 'fun' stuff at Christmas and the parents buy 'needed' stuff. It's a parent's job to do what's needed - grandparents are for fun

Really? Id love to see where these rules are, they sound like a total load of codswollop to me.

By everyone you meant you then

I have fun with my kids! I buy them fun stuff at Christmas!

Wish I hadn't bloody mentioned sugar cos that's what everyone is focused on.

MIL went against my express wishes and told ds to keep it a secret from me. That's my issue and it undermines me. I still think it's out of order, even after hearing all sides of the argument.
I don't think sugar in tea at her house is the worst thing in the world, but I never did.

Think what you like, I really don't care Goldmandra. :)

Jimmychoos... different strokes for different folks. Some people do it this way, some do it differently. I wouldn't be so rude as to call it 'codswollop' but...

OP will do what she wants. This sounds like 'strop trumps' to me; each party (if MIL is actively undermining) is trying to score points and undermine the grandparent and mother relationship... the child is in the middle as some kind of 'squishy prize'. .

Like many mums (and it is nearly always the mums), small things become bigger and whilst not saying that any parent is wrong to be annoyed, it's the children who ultimately suffer. If the mum and dad can't reach agreement though, it's got bigger implications for the future. The mother doesn't have ultimate control of their child anymore than the father has.

Hi Op, I get you.
My advice would be to talk to your ds, make it clear you appreciate that he came to you because he felt bad (that's one of the most important things ever) and tell him why you don't think it's all that brilliant for him to have sugar in his tea so he understands your "no".
He understood that he's been put in an awkward position because gran went against your wishes behind your back.
I would make it clear she has no say in how you raise your kids. She probably knows that and resorts to those little "secrets".

The mum probably does have 'ultimate control' more than the step dad though?

Er - we used to spend a lot of time with grandparents.

My brother has hardly any adult teeth.

'Spoiling' kids can be pretty harmful.

Jimmychoos... different strokes for different folks. Some people do it this way, some do it differently. I wouldn't be so rude as to call it 'codswollop' but...

I didn't say 'ALL', Jimmy and wasn't even thinking all, although I accept I didn't make that very clear. To me, there are always two opposite ends of view and a range in the middle.

It's not about the sugar; it might be about watching tv whilst having dinner or making 'tents' in their lounge, giving them some sweets/ice cream or staying up late whilst with GP. Any number of things that wouldn't necessarily happen at home.

I think grandparents do not have the responsibility of bringing up grandchildren as their own children but they have a significant input to bringing them up as people. I don't really mind what opinions others have on what is 'fun' but grandparents should get to do the fun stuff that they want to do with their grandchildren. Parents obviously get to do that too but they have the responsibility of doing the non-fun stuff as well.

I think all significant adults have a responsibility to do the serious stuff while making it fun, not just parents.

It does undermine if a parent is teaching about healthy eating / good language / good behaviour etc and the GP not only goes against that but expects the child to keep it a secret from their parents.

I don't see any harm in all significant adults being able to for instance offer ice cream, but also to say that one is enough.

I really do not understand the logic that GP's should do nothing other than spoil their GC's, especially if they see them more than (e.g.) once a month. Also, it often seems that the GP's go against their own parenting choices which I do find peculiar.

I am so lucky with my PIL because I know MIL respects our choices as parents, to the extent that I don't even know if she disagrees because she keeps it hidden. FIL is naughtier (though I think it's a wind up more than anything) but MIL keeps him in line.

I am less lucky with my parents, but at least I can keep them in line, it would be less easy to correct PIL.

I also don't understand why some parental standards are acceptable to uphold (e.g. No smacking), but others it's ok to ride roughshod over (only one dessert). Either you respect the parents (your child!) or you don't.

Oh and I am so looking forward to the tents in the lounge

When I was week my dad had loads of corporate golf umbrellas. He took the handles off for us, and we put 4/5 of them together in the living room to make a sort of yurt. It was massive and so much fun! Way better than the sheet I'll be draping over our dining table to make a tent for our kids lol.

massive tangent from thread but aaaaah such nice memories

*wee not week