to think MIL asking ds to keep a secret from me undermines me and is out of order?

[dobedobedo]

MIL (ds1 step-gran) has a "secret tea" with my ds. I don't allow him to have sugar in his (decaf) tea, but they have a little secret where she gives him sugar in it and they don't tell me.

Ds1 has asked me a few times for sugar in his tea and I've refused. She knows this. She's been there.

Dh thinks this is a sweet little bonding secret between them. I think it's out of order as I'm the mum and I should have the final word and it is never okay for my 9 year old to have secrets from me. He's not quite mature enough to ascertain between an innocuous one and an important one I think, iyswim.

I do know sugar in tea isn't the end of the world. I know she's not asking him to keep a sinister secret, but I think the secret keeping and undermining me here is the issue. Not the sugar in the frigging tea.

AIBU? The whole thing has me quite upset tbh, especially when DH is giving me shit for not thinking it's cute.

I think you need to chill. We're talking a NINE year old here. Not a toddler who might be confused ffs.

I have a lovely MIL who is similar and I pretend I know nothing of all the crap she gives my DDs. They don't love her more or anything you know.

Just tell your son and your MIL that he may have sugar in his tea at your mil's house, but you are really disappointed in both of them for keeping a secret from you.

P.S. How did you learn of this secret sugar in tea anyways?
Putting the secret issue aside for a minute...is your son not allowed any sugar, period, or is he allowed a certain amount, such as 1 sweet thing a day, or what is the problem with sugar in tea?

I can understand you don't like being undermined. I don't either where my girls are concerned but you have to pick your battles. And there will be bigger ones than this to come.

My own Mother feeds my two tons of sweets when they stay with her, far too many and the old bugger lets them get away with not finishing their meals and lets them fill up on sweets instead. I know this as they've told me. However as she's usually done me a massive favour by looking after them for me and when I pick them up they are full of how much of a good time they've had at Granny's I let it slide. Mums had a great time with her Granddaughters, they've had a great time with her, it's usually me that's had a crap time cos I've had to go to work.

Let it go op. She doesn't see him often anyway.

musical I learned when dh overheard them. I really couldn't care less about the sugar. Honestly. I've since told ds he can have sugar in his tea while he's here if he really wants it and it's not close to bed time. It's not the sugar that is the issue.

Ds asked me if he could have sugar in his tea. MIL was there. I said no, you've had enough crap today, you never normally have sugar if you have tea, you don't need it. MIL proceeded to put the sugar in his tea anyway and told him not to tell me or I'd be cross. It's their secret.

She'd been making him this tea for a couple of days and he told me he didn't drink some of them and he didn't know whether to tell me or not as he felt guilty. That's not fair. I hadn't even thought about it since as it was a non issue. I don't have a ban on sugar. I said no that particular time and the making a big secret out of it made a bigger deal out of it than it should have been.

A lot of posters think this is about a bit of sugar. It's not.

The secrets = bad and surprises = good is a reasonable way to look at things I guess.

Yesterday after I posted this thread, MIL and I ended up having a bit of a row anyway. Not about this, though it was raised. She still doesn't agree with me but she knows where I'm coming from. Everyone raises their children as they see fit and no one does something the same as someone else. MIL just can't accept that she doesn't have a say, hence the secret keeping. (there's a v good reason she doesn't have a say and it has chuff all to do with some bloody sugary tea).

I would have liked to reply to more posters specifically but Internet connection is crap here!

GPs are there to spoil their children within reason: a bit of sugar on the odd visit is not going to kill your DS, and if anything it will prevent him from developing a real obsession with sugar, which is strictly verboten at home. I believe in letting children develop their own relationships and traditions with family members as long as they keep open lines of communication with you and don't do anything upsetting, illegal or downright dangerous.

Grandmas spoil kids. They let them do stuff they aren't allowed at home. That's how it is.

I seriously think you need to unclench. You are reading far far too much into this.

I'm guessing you're not keen on your MiL?

Ah. Just seen your update. You two don't get on so you're determined to see this as something far more sinister than it is.

You like to have control is my guess

Be glad she is at least trying to be kind with him take a look at the threads where grandparents are horrible with step and adopted grandchildren and make no effort at all to bond with them.

She gives him secret tea with a spoon of sugar in it? A few times a year?

FFS. Grip. Needed.

I think you need to loosen up and encourage the relationship with MIL.

Just take a deep breath op and remember you are going home soon.

My MIL does this, especially with tales about what DS has/hasn't eaten. She tells me one thing and DH another, usually "don't tell Looserella but he didn't like his lunch so I gave him a dish of sugar instead". It makes me hate her a bit

It's not a secret if you were there anyway.

OP... can I urge you as the child of a small family that was made smaller through petty arguments to really stop it. Distance yourself if you want to, let your husband field the interactions but don't do this. You sound very petty.

I haven't read your other threads so have no idea what ongoing issues there are but really, they can't be solved? I've never come up against one - excepting actual abuse - that couldn't be. I understand about hackles rising but you and MIL are essentially two mothers; you have ideas on bring up your children - let her 'bring up' her grandchildren when she has them. That's her job.

A relationship with grandparents and extended family is a precious thing. It's not for YOU, it's for your children, they need to have that even if you don't.

I also think sugar in tea is a little more annoying than usual granny treats because tea is a regulary drunk thing and putting un neccasry sugar in tea, adds un neccasry ....sugar, its something you get a taste for then always want
and totally dis agree with lyings post.

It's not much of a secret this is it?

My mum and my DS are very close and have secrets over the years that they haven't shared with me. But I trust her. Completely.
I loved the fact that he has another adult in his life that he could share problems and questions with, and that he could form a special relationship with. I didn't feel left out or undermined, I felt blessed.
He's an adult now, and the relationship is as strong as when he was small.
But you don't trust your MIL or seem to like her very much, and a bit of sugar at 9 is small potatoes IMO. So it's a completely different experience.

Sorry but I do think YABU.
My mum has a sign up in her kitchen, 'what happens at grandma's stays at grandma's'.
My GP's gave me all sorts of crap I wasn't allowed at home. Little secrets like that are harmless imo and most kids are rubbish at keeping secrets anyway.

How many times does the OP need to say that this isn't about the sugar?

If my child ask permission to have something, I said no and another adult, whoever it was, immediately gave them it and told them not to tell me I would be livid. You just don't do that to someone.

It is wrong to tell children to keep secrets from their parents unless the secret is something that can be called a surprise and the clear intention is for the parent to find out.

It isn't helpful to teach children that sugar should be a guilty secret and it isn't a great idea to get a child used to sugar in tea if it is a drink they have often. By doing that you are either introducing that sugar to their regular daily diet or making the parent take responsibility for weaning them off it again.

Granny treats are great but the process of spoiling a grandchild doesn't have to include undermining the parents.

JimmyChoos, I said that upthread - that regular sugar makes you want it - and then read that this is a thrice annually thing. Even the most hardened sugar fiend would be pressed to addiction with that.

I agree with DownBy's post; there will always be secrets shared between family members that a mum won't necessarily by party to. I confided the most painful stuff to my grandmother that I would NEVER have told my mother. Without my grandmother, I would have told nobody ever.

It IS all about trust and this 'secrets are bad' thing has been leapt on and given some kind of official 'mummy status' now. Bear in mind that paeodophilia/abuse has always been around. Your child wouldn't necessarily confide in what is often their 'disciplinarian' (main care giver) so you'd be well advised to trust that those who love them will look out for them and not take away or undermine those relationships.

I tell you one thing op...your ds worrying about whether to tell you about a spoon of sugar is by FAR the worst thing about all this. he is nine! Not four! I cant imagine my ten year old even considering telling me if she for instance had some coke at her gran's house! And nor should she....as they grow you need to give a little....guide them but let them make some decisions alone!

This would annoy me too, as we're living in different times. Children are bombarded on all sides by sugar, in a way that her own children/son wouldn't have been to the same extent.

it is a really battle to avoid children feeling that things only taste right if they taste sweet. Tea is one of the few things that might give children the opportunity to experience a taste that isn't sweet.

I'd be annoyed too. It's just a total inability to evolve to the world we're living in now, nnot the world she brought her children up in decades+ ago.

Also, the "secret" thing is very patronising to you.

Yes, sugar is my issue here. eyeroll
Goldmandra pretty much says what I think, but better.

It's not about sugar, OP, I think everybody's conceded that. It's about your serious feelings of being undermined. It's no good referring to other threads that you've written about your MIL - and then writing one in which your supposed focus is sugar. You have a long list of complaints and you need to deal with them properly.

You don't bring up a child in isolation, or don't choose to, so other people in the family will interact with your child and will want to do so. As a mum, you don't get to control every little detail and why the hell would you want to? His grandparents presumably love him. Your husband has an equal say in how this is handled and perhaps you should ask him to manage the (very infrequent) visits in future.

I get that you don't like what people are posting if they're saying that you're being unreasonable, and a bit petulant... but you are, sorry.

Lying you have clearly not RTFT.