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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to insist on having a veto on my unborn daughter's name?

100 replies

mumminio · 15/08/2014 00:55

We are expecting a little girl, which will be the first girl in both our extended families.

My husband wants to name our daughter after MIL or MIL's mother, in honour of his mother, who he adores. I understand that, but don't like either of their names at all (they are similar to each other). Husband has said he is willing to compromise, but has rejected everything I have suggested.

MIL is tolerable, but we don't get on brilliantly, and there have been issues in our marriage where I have to put my foot down to avoid being put second to my husband's family.

AIBU? Has anyone been through this already? We have other children, but their naming was so simple!

OP posts:
ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 15/08/2014 01:01

Of course YANBU.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 15/08/2014 01:02

Could mil's name be amiddle name, or does she have a middle name or maiden name you could use as a middle name?

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 15/08/2014 01:05

So she was born, say, Joan Elizabeth Baxter dd is Sophie Elizabeth Minio or Sophie Baxter Minio (names invented)

weegiemum · 15/08/2014 01:11

Don't ever name your child anything you don't like!

My dd2 is Rachel Jessie

Rachel is my dh's grandmother who died 2 weeks before dd2 was born. Jessie is my gran's name - she died when Rachel had just turned 3.

But we were very happy with the names (my Gran, though, said "I wish I'd had a better name to give to that bairn!!)

Name as you want. It's your decision!!

ravenAK · 15/08/2014 01:14

YANBU.

I think it's fair to let him veto your choices (assuming you're in an ongoing relationship), but not vice versa.

RockinHippy · 15/08/2014 01:14

YANBU -

Simpky tell your DH that when he is carrying for 9 months & then going through the pain of labour, he has a right to be willing to compromise - as that's not happening, he is been a cheeky fecker & to wind his neck in, you dont like the names, so it just isn't happening & he had better start being more open minded about your name choices, which are already compromises, or you will pull rank & he loses all say & you get to choose - end of -

say it with a laugh or a manic look & blame the hormones, whatever suits you, but makes sure he knows, that if he can't be reasonable, then you are pulling rank Wink

MummyBeerest · 15/08/2014 01:32

What would be a compromise?

A variation of the name?

Using one as a middle name?

Or just picking one you both like?

cathpip · 15/08/2014 01:44

I had this problem, you just keep going till you both like a name, end off. Anyway what about your mums or grandmas name? Why does it have to be his? I did suggest mil's name as a middle name though, could that be an idea? ( I highly suspect that the "willingness too compromise" and then him hating every other suggestion is him having a strop for not getting his way though :)) you can tell him that bit too!

AdoraBell · 15/08/2014 02:12

Of course YANBU.

Ask DH to come up with a list of names, use MIL's as a middle name.

That's what we did, twin DDs, one has MILs name and one has the feminine version of my late father. Loads of families do that without any problem at all.

AdoraBell · 15/08/2014 02:15

And if he remains adamant don't leave him to register the birth while you are busy with a new born.

ADHDNoodles · 15/08/2014 03:42

In our family you use the middle name to name your child after one of their family members, in DH family it is tradition to name your child after a biblical person (applies more to the boys). We broke tradition and gave our DD a completely unique and original name. I want her to have her own name to live up to and avoid the minefield that is family politics.

Anyway, yes you should both like the name you're picking out. If he can veto your names, you can veto his.

Original poster
mumminio · 15/08/2014 04:01

Pleasantly surprised that I'm not BU! I do wonder whether the lack of ability to compromise is just a negotiating tool on my husband's part Hmm but will suggest using MIL's name as a middle name, along with a second middle name from my side of the family.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 15/08/2014 04:05

MIddle name definitely the way to go. I got my Great gran's middle name as my middle name (which was also one of my Mum's middle names, the other one was her own mum's name) and my sister copped my Mum's name as a middle name.

I would have loved to have honoured my own gran in this way but hated both her names, and then didn't have a DD anyway - and my sister used the only acceptable derivation of my gran's name for her 3rd DD anyway.

partialderivative · 15/08/2014 04:16

Rockinhippy but makes sure he knows, that if he can't be reasonable, then you are pulling rank

OP has stated that her husband is willing to compromise, he just hasn't liked any of her suggestions yet. Why is that so unreasonable?

Where does all this 'pulling rank' business come from? Very weird imho.

Brittabot · 15/08/2014 04:43

I do think it's a bit unfair when people say when your DH spends 9 months pregnant then they can call the baby what they want as that isn't usually an option!

You write 10 names, he writes 10 names, and you both keep going until you get a match! Middle names to honour family.

Thumbwitch · 15/08/2014 05:00

Also, when we had Ds1, DH wanted to use his father's name somehow, but as it's also my brother's name, and we don't speak because of mutual dislike, I wouldn't do it. Luckily DH's dad had a middle name, so we used that instead Grin

headlesslambrini · 15/08/2014 06:20

I had similar when choosing names. I told DH that it would be respectful to include as a middle name but that the baby was an individual and deserved its own name so that it didnt end up being compared to someone else.

As it happened, the only name we both liked for DS is my Dads name - but we use a variation of it.

TomatoSorbetWoman · 15/08/2014 06:26

I don't like naming babies after dead relatives myself. Or living ones unless you just like he name.

drLu · 15/08/2014 06:55

He's being unreasonable not me. I have a similar relationship with my MIL she's ok and we get on to a point but no way would I name my baby after her!! The way I see it if you're married you've probably taken his surname! Not to mention I do believe the woman, whilst both need to agree, needs to have final say, after all she has to go through for birth and labour!

I'd love to give our baby girl my mums name as a middle name but I'd never suggest it as it would upset mil and wouldn't be fair on dh so we're just staying clear of parents names.

Delphiniumsblue · 15/08/2014 07:05

Just use it as second name, or even as a third name.

scottishmummy · 15/08/2014 07:27

until a woman can produce sperm then he gets to chose.Man should pull rank
Which is as daft as saying when he carries a baby,blah blah
Negotiation style shouldn't be based upon whos up the duff gets to pull rank

ShadowStar · 15/08/2014 07:29

YANBU.

YY to having it as a middle name as a compromise.

The first name should be one that you both like.

however · 15/08/2014 07:40

Middle name is a good compromise, but if I hated it, I still wouldn't use it.

All my kids have middle names that I chose, from my side of the family.

They have their fathers surname. Everyone's a winner.

however · 15/08/2014 07:40

'

WaywardOn3 · 15/08/2014 09:51

All the men on dhs dad's side of his family have the same middle name. So when we had ds it was pretty much guaranteed that the tradition would continue thankfully it's a name I can live with even if it isn't one I'd have chosen :-)

I did manage to sneak a second middle name in there as well since we couldn't decide between our two favourite first names