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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to insist on having a veto on my unborn daughter's name?

100 replies

mumminio · 15/08/2014 00:55

We are expecting a little girl, which will be the first girl in both our extended families.

My husband wants to name our daughter after MIL or MIL's mother, in honour of his mother, who he adores. I understand that, but don't like either of their names at all (they are similar to each other). Husband has said he is willing to compromise, but has rejected everything I have suggested.

MIL is tolerable, but we don't get on brilliantly, and there have been issues in our marriage where I have to put my foot down to avoid being put second to my husband's family.

AIBU? Has anyone been through this already? We have other children, but their naming was so simple!

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/08/2014 14:38

Willing to compromise but hasn't liked any of OP's suggestions so far, fancy that.

If he has siblings you could say how they might if they start a family later on like the honour of using their mother's name. First GDC often scoops the bulk of excitement so leaving MIL's name for a DSis or DB to use could go down very well.

If you don't get on brilliantly with MIL as long as you don't detest her name, using it as a second or third name could win her over.

If you don't fancy MIL's name for DD it is too bad. To be even-handed you won't be able to use anyone's name from your side either. Unless...

Why not say with a straight face if the baby is to be named after a female he loves why not after you?

RockinHippy · 15/08/2014 15:23

However, I still do not understand your 'pull rank' comment. Seriously, do you think that a 'rank' applies to parenthood

I wasn't speaking literally Partial more figuratively speaking

But in general, no I don't - but if the DH is behaving like a petulant child sticking his bottom lip & digging his heels in as he isn't getting his own way over his DMs chosen name, as it appears here, then someone needs to act like a grown up & take control if the situation & as the OP is the one carrying the baby & going through the pain of labour - then yes in this instance I feel there is some rank to be pulled :)

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/08/2014 15:40

Yanbu

This is exactly why "honouring" relatives isn't a great idea.

With the exception of one of my Grandfathers (his name is currently top 50) i wouldn't be even the slightest bit inclined to do so. And would veto my dp using his (deceased) parents names with all my right of veto. They are bloody awful names, sad but true.

hiccupgirl · 15/08/2014 17:21

We avoided giving DS any names that meant anything in either family just for this reason. Obviously he has a family last name (DH's) but his other 2 names are completely his own as far as I know.

I would stick to your guns if you don't like MIL's name or feel your DD should be named after one side of the family more than the other. You'll be using the name a lot so make sure it's some thing you at least like.

CarmineRose1978 · 15/08/2014 17:45

We're going to use my brother's name as one of DS's middle names - he died young last year. My DP wanted to use his brother's name as another middle name but I said vetoed this... I want to give my brother's name as a mark or respect and remembrance, since he'll never get to meet his nephew. I think including DP's brother's name too cheapens the sentiment... I said to DP that only dead relatives get to have their names picked, so he picked one of his grandads' names to include.

My mum died four years ago, and if DS had turned out to be a girl, I wanted a variation of her name included somewhere - DP pulled his face at that too and said his mum would feel left out, but like I pointed out, his mum will get to be our child's only grandma and build a real relationship which my mum will never get the opportunity to do, and she'll always be the favourite grandma with no competition. So to begrudge the name would be pretty petty, IMO.

CarmineRose1978 · 15/08/2014 17:46

So I don't think YABU at all. Tell him no chance, but offer to compromise with the middle name.

Tommy · 15/08/2014 17:47

if you had not told them you were expecting a girl, nor any of your names suggestions, there would be no discussion/argument and they would not have dared question your choices once she had been born

MostWicked · 15/08/2014 18:16

I hate the practice of naming babies after relatives to 'honour' them

Likewise. I think children should have their own names, not ones they have been given in honour of someone else.

And I really don't get the 'pulling rank' notion. A child is the creation of both of its parents. Both parents have an equal say.

You keep going through names until you find one or two that you both like. If either of you dislike a name, it is crossed off the list, never to be mentioned again. Nobody gets to hang onto a favoured name in an attempt to wear the other one down.

YellowTulips · 15/08/2014 18:30

I don't think there is a problem at all with using family names - as long as both parents are happy with it.

My DS loves sharing a middle name with his grandfather (which is quite an unusual name) and as per posts above my DH was happy with my DF's middle name, just not the first name.

Original poster

mumminio · 15/08/2014 18:45

Thank you! Lots to think about! Responding to questions, and apologies for drip feeding...although I don't think it changes anything really.

I wouldn't want to "pull rank" and pick a name myself. My husband has supported me through each pregnancy, and is a fab advocate in the delivery room. I think we should both get a veto, as quality control in case one of us chooses something odd or inappropriate in each other's culture (my first choice of name for our first son was vetoed for that reason).

I'm not sure whether he's manipulating me, but I think so. When our last child was born, he "let" me pick the name, saying that he would pick the next child's name. I was VERY clear that we would be making a joint decision, on each name, and that I would not be manipulated. He said ok, and we chose one we both love.

MIL and I get on ok, but I think she manipulates my husband. She also was a PITA on our wedding day which I have not gotten over yet! . He is the doting son, and thinks butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. That's one of the reasons I don't want to be reminded of her every day. Thankfully she lives abroad, so we are able to maintain a cordial relationship.

I didn't want to tell her (or anyone, really) the gender of the child, but my darling husband let the cat out of the bag. MIL never stopped going on about it, so I don't really blame him...she is unrelenting.

MIL didn't get on at all with her own MIL, so her daughter was named after her own mother. I'd forgotten that.

Our whole family has my husband's surname. Funnily enough, MIL retained her maiden name, so it's not the same as ours!

I did put together a bit list of around 30 names, but husband only provided 3, and I don't like any of them. 2 are difficult to pronounce (I have a difficult to pronounce name and do not wish to inflict that on my own child) and the other I really don't like (it's a joke name, along the lines of Sheila for an Australian). I think I might tell him to try again with a new LONG list, with the help of a baby name book.

Sorry this is so long. It feels good to write it all down though, and the more I think about it, the more I think I'm being manipulated. good thing I'm so stubborn!

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/08/2014 18:48

I'm always surprised when people even consider other people's (including their Dh's) name choices, I gave birth therefore I got to choose the name.

Original poster

mumminio · 15/08/2014 18:49

PS the 2 difficult to pronounce names are his mother's and sisters/grandmother's. Clearly the third name was a decoy. I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 15/08/2014 18:53

Yes, ask him to try again.

Pico2 · 15/08/2014 18:56

You can "honour" people with quite tangentially related names. DD's name means the same and my DDad's name, but in different languages. DDad knows the link and likes it, but it isn't so obvious that other family members particularly notice or feel left out.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/08/2014 19:01

Ds1's first name is a family name on dh's side of the family - it's dh's second name and FIL's first name - and it occurs in older generations too.

But it is a name we both like! and we wouldn't have used it if that wasn't the case.

I think the onus is on your dh to come up with a compromise, if he is not willing to use the family name as a second or third name.

Medibeagle · 15/08/2014 19:18

My mother refused, despite considerable pressure, to name me after her MIL. So stubborn was she that I ended up with no middle name at all, just to make it very very clear! Shame really as her name was Beatrice and I quite like that.

Medibeagle · 15/08/2014 19:20

Do either of the names have a meaning you can use, like Theodora, Althea, Dorothea, all something along the lines of gift of God, so the meaning is the same but the name different?

scarletoconnor · 15/08/2014 19:25

Threats are your friend here tell him to choose a name you both love or you will register her yourself with the name you choose.

Use mil / grandmothers name as a middle name but only if you want to. Its all very well honouring his mother but do you get to honour a family member too?

OHforDUCKScake · 15/08/2014 19:30

Theres a very good reason that he 'doesnt like' alllll the names you choose OP.

And his three suggestions were his two relatives names and a piss take name?

Not good, the man isnt stupid and has no intention of backing down by the looks of it.

Original poster

mumminio · 15/08/2014 19:52

Yes, sometimes I wonder whether I should have married someone stupid but gorgeous! It's wonderful having an intelligent husband, but not unless we're on the same side

I think I'll point out that his mother refused her husband's surname, and named her daughter after her own mother rather than anyone on the other side of the house. If we give her the (hopefully second) middle name, she should feel honoured, because it's more than she did for her own MIL one in the eye, MIL!

Then I'll whip out my list again, and ask him to choose his top 3 or come up with a list of 30 of his choosing. He probably didn't even look at it properly last time.

OP posts:

Original poster

mumminio · 15/08/2014 19:53

Thanks guys, I'm feeling much better about this now.

OP posts:

CrapBag · 15/08/2014 20:04

Personally if it was someone I wasn't that keen on and that caused trouble and its a difficult name I wouldn't even compromise on the middle name.

DS has 2 middle names after each DGF, DDs middle name is just a name we liked. DH didnt even ask me to give her her GM name, I think he would've known the answer but I also think he wouldn't have wanted it anyway. Will your mum mind or is she sensible and knows a parent can name their child what they wish without feeling obligated to name them after a family member?

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 15/08/2014 20:46

Good idea OP.

Ruralretreating · 15/08/2014 20:46

YANBU and you are good to consider it as a middle name if you don't particularly like it. Is there a nickname or diminutive of it that can be used? We managed to honour my late father and living MIL in DS's middle name this way but were fortunate the names were similar (think Andre, Andrew, Andrea)

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 15/08/2014 20:50

The highlighting names in a baby book idea might be a good one, OP?

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