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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to insist on having a veto on my unborn daughter's name?

100 replies

mumminio · 15/08/2014 00:55

We are expecting a little girl, which will be the first girl in both our extended families.

My husband wants to name our daughter after MIL or MIL's mother, in honour of his mother, who he adores. I understand that, but don't like either of their names at all (they are similar to each other). Husband has said he is willing to compromise, but has rejected everything I have suggested.

MIL is tolerable, but we don't get on brilliantly, and there have been issues in our marriage where I have to put my foot down to avoid being put second to my husband's family.

AIBU? Has anyone been through this already? We have other children, but their naming was so simple!

OP posts:

OHforDUCKScake · 15/08/2014 20:53

Good for you.

Pinkrose1 · 15/08/2014 21:18

We got round this by using the family first name (male in this case) as a middle name. And I would certainly veto this!

DarkBlueEyes · 15/08/2014 21:24

When your husband pushes that baby out of his nether regions, he can have final say on the name. End of story.

Medibeagle · 15/08/2014 21:29

How about using MIL's MIL's name

erin99 · 15/08/2014 21:34

YY to you both writing equal length lists. We only started making headway when DH finally produced a list of 10. Having to come up with them forces hi to think more positively.

You absolutely can't use MIL's name as a first name. You'd resent it for the rest of your life.

scottishmummy · 15/08/2014 22:52

And when you produce sperm and impregnate,you chose.end of

Thurlow · 15/08/2014 23:00

Middle names are the way forward. DD has two middle names, both 'based' on her grandmothers names. We took the first name that one grandmother doesn't use (she uses her middle name) and then shortened the other grandmother's name.

Tbh honest they maybe aren't names I would have picked but they are middle names. They show affection and respect to our families in an easy way, as no one every actually mentions them.

First name was an agreement and completely unrelated to families

scottishmummy · 15/08/2014 23:05

Ive never pushed a baby out of of my nether regions.ever
You dont need to push out of your nether regions to be mother
I Still was involved in choosing the names,despite the lack of pushing or nether regions

BathshebaDarkstone · 15/08/2014 23:08

You choose the first name and he chooses the second? I did this with all of mine.

Mrsgrumble · 15/08/2014 23:15

If you are not close to mil and she is overbearing, you will always regret it.

Our child is named after dh father but goes back to over 100 years. Love his father and the name.

In saying that, I don't have a good relationship with my own mother, so I wouldn't even have her name as a middle name. If we have a girl dh wants it to be named after his much loved grandmother. If we had a boy, the male version of his mothers name. Now I put the foot down there. No way.

Go with your gut feeling.

Original poster

mumminio · 15/08/2014 23:52

medibeagle that would be perfect! My husband might not even realize until after registering it. Could I live with myself afterwards though...? yeah, probably [embarrassed]

OP posts:

Medibeagle · 16/08/2014 00:13

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 16/08/2014 02:07

OP, say to him..."ok we'll name her after your mother/nan, but If we decide to have another and it's a boy he WILL be named after my mother/nan just to make it fair."

I would like to see the look on his face after you suggest that.

JessieMcJessie · 16/08/2014 05:09

Why are you saying that if you do use MIL's name as a middle name it will hopefully be the second of two middle names, after a first middle name from your family? Isn't that a bit mean when you'll already have won by vetoing it as a first name?

Medibeagle · 16/08/2014 09:56

Medibeagle · 16/08/2014 09:57

Can you share the names?

clam · 16/08/2014 10:16

Tell him you're perfectly willing to compromise and find a name that you're BOTH happy with, but that it WILL NOT be your mil's or sil's names. Those are OFF the table and now let's move on and get this sorted.

rollonthesummer · 16/08/2014 11:04

He can not like any of your names but equally, you can not like his MIL's name. You need to make it clear that he wo r get his own way just through a lack of alternative!

XiCi · 16/08/2014 11:18

So his compromise was to give you the 2 family names you hate and a joke name?
Is that his way of telling you there is no compromise and he won't be backing down or does he genuinely think you are too thick to notice his very obvious ploy. Either way I'd be fuming.

hackmum · 16/08/2014 11:29

I think you should come up with a series of outrageous suggestions (Chardonnay, Chastity etc) and then when he's vetoed them, you can suggest something unremarkable such as Sophie and hopefully he'll jump at it.

bakingtins · 16/08/2014 11:36

The website "named together" is useful in this situation. You each pick any names you'd consider from the top 100/200/500 baby names, then it gives you any you agree on. Try ticking at least 20 from the top 500 and see what crossover you get.
IMO babies should have their own name, picked because it has meaning or you just like it, any family names that have to go in there go in the middle, and there is no reason it should be his relative that is honoured rather than yours. Maybe you each get to choose a middle name but have to agree on the first name?
All my children's names have been a compromise to some extent because DH didn't like the names I initially wanted and vice versa. You keep going until you find a name you are both happy with.

MostWicked · 16/08/2014 12:36

When your husband pushes that baby out of his nether regions, he can have final say on the name. End of story.

What if she has a cesarean? Who gets to choose then?

If any parent wants to honour a relative that much (and their partner doesn't want to use it for their child), they should change their own name to include it.

scottishmummy · 16/08/2014 14:49

As i said ive never pushed any baby.still got to chose names
if we are going for yo sista daft maxims Op hasnt produced sperm,
so maybe she shouldn't get to chose til she does so

Fizzyplonk · 16/08/2014 15:09

Your solution of using a name from each side as middle names is perfect.
There has to be a compromise as you could equally insist on a name from your family. In fact this may be a stronger argument if your child will carry your husband's surname.

Rooners · 16/08/2014 15:40

I don't think the woman should get to choose exclusively, always, in any circumstances (though there are some - for example if the man has never bothered to stick around/been unhelpful/abusive etc etc) but I DO feel that the woman should love the name the child is given.

I also feel that the man should love it too. So in other words, no one should be able to choose against the other person's taste/wishes, and people should try and find a name that both like, rather than one that someone hates and the other loves.

So if the woman loved the name Joan for example and the man hated it, well, Joan is out, and the same if the man loves Heather and the woman hates it, Heather is out. No one should be forced to call their child a name they hate.

I hope you find a compromise.

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