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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to insist on having a veto on my unborn daughter's name?

100 replies

mumminio · 15/08/2014 00:55

We are expecting a little girl, which will be the first girl in both our extended families.

My husband wants to name our daughter after MIL or MIL's mother, in honour of his mother, who he adores. I understand that, but don't like either of their names at all (they are similar to each other). Husband has said he is willing to compromise, but has rejected everything I have suggested.

MIL is tolerable, but we don't get on brilliantly, and there have been issues in our marriage where I have to put my foot down to avoid being put second to my husband's family.

AIBU? Has anyone been through this already? We have other children, but their naming was so simple!

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 15/08/2014 10:36

partial

I think cathpip summed up how I read the OPs DHs "willingness to compromise" well with I highly suspect that the "willingness too compromise" and then him hating every other suggestion is him having a strop for not getting his way though

If his actions are as both cathpip & I read it from the OP, then the DH is behaving like a childish arse & doesn't deserve a say & the OP will find herself going round & round in circles getting nowhere but more & more stressed & wound up, so someone needs to be the grown up & lay down some ground rules to put a stop to it.

I agree with using middle names if you don't hate the names though - but if you hate the names then don't inflict them on your DD even as a compromise, your never going to change your mind about hating it, so best avoided

rollonthesummer · 15/08/2014 10:40

Why does he think it should be his mum or his gran's name that's used? What about your family?

Letitbee · 15/08/2014 10:42

I wrote a list in order of preference and then DH chose the 1st one off the list he liked ;) - middle name was his 'family' name and them my surname then family surname - My kids all sound like firms of solicitors when you read their names in full but everyone was happy

rollonthesummer · 15/08/2014 10:44

I'd come up with a list of names-20, 30, -as many as you can think of that you'd be happy to use. If he reads through it and doesn't like one, then you can say, quite reasonably, 'I have come up with 30 names-you are refusing to use any of them; that is not compromising'

I think he's trying to manipulate you into getting his own way.

Lucked · 15/08/2014 10:51

I would use his grans name as a middle name, given the problems you describe I wouldn't use mils name at all.

Our dd name is a compromise, we had a list of three names but different favourites so went for both our second choice. It is a lovely name but slightly gutted I couldn't use my favourite name.

TalcumPowder · 15/08/2014 11:10

I hate the practice of naming babies after relatives to 'honour' them, to be honest. One person's beloved father is the other half of the marriage's interfering, emotionally-constipated FIL.

(Or a nice man with a terrible name. I am fond of my FIL, for instance, but his name is dull, and subjected to a maddening mispronunciation by my mil - yes, I know, how can you not be able to pronounce the ordinary, two-syllable name of your husband of more than 50 years?)

It sounds as if the OP has fallen into the trap of having now to be the one to come up with all the alternative names, while her husband vetoes all of them because his preference for mil/granny's name is obvious. Get him to come up with a list of his own, OP, having made it plain no family members' names from either side will be used. Your baby deserves a name of her own.

rollonthesummer · 15/08/2014 11:16

It sounds as if the OP has fallen into the trap of having now to be the one to come up with all the alternative names, while her husband vetoes all of them because his preference for mil/granny's name is obvious. Get him to come up with a list of his own, OP, having made it plain no family members' names from either side will be used

WSS!

ArcheryAnnie · 15/08/2014 11:20

YANBU. You need a name you both like. (Do your kids have their dad's surname? Because then they already have a part of MIL's name.)

hoobypickypicky · 15/08/2014 11:21

I'd respond like this,

"When this child comes out of your fanjo you can call her what you like. When she comes out of your mother's fanjo she can call the child what she likes. Until then, if you and I cannot decide or compromise the final say is mine"

He'll soon compromise.

HolgerDanske · 15/08/2014 11:22

Make your MIL's name your daughter's third name. No one will ever use it, hardly anyone will even know about it, but it might just appease everyone.

In answer to your question, yes, you should absolutely have the right to veto names. You have suffered pregnancy and will suffer childbirth. Your body will be sacrificed for your child's sake and you should have final say on the name. It's only fair.

Viviennemary · 15/08/2014 11:26

YANBU. You should have the last word. Or take turns.

HerrenaHarridan · 15/08/2014 11:43

To me the mothers get final say on dc names IF they are getting fathers surname.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 15/08/2014 11:52

I'm another one who thinks the OP's DH vetoing all these names in order to try and get his own way.

OP if I were you I'd make it clear that his DM/gran's name are not going to be used so he needs to come up with some names he likes fast. Oh, and don't let him go on his own to register the birth.

fifi669 · 15/08/2014 12:05

You both have a right to veto names. I stuck with what me and ex agreed for DS even though he left me in pregnancy and it wasn't my first choice. He's not just my child. Luckily we agreed on his middle name as John was the name of my grandad who died the same day I had my 12 week scan, and it was also the middle name of all the first born males in his family.

I couldn't handle one of my DC having a crap name just to keep the peace, let alone a crap name of someone I'm not keen on.

Tinkerball · 15/08/2014 12:18

No-one should have a name for their child they don't like or want. But all this "pulling rank" and "until the baby comes our of your fanjo" is ridiculous ....it's biology that makes women the child bearers, that's all. A compromise obviously has to be made, some relationship a new wee baby is being born into if there is simmering resentment( on either parents side) about their name!

Lucyccfc · 15/08/2014 12:25

We had a similar issue, but it was FIL that wanted us to name his son after him. My DH sided with his Dad at the time, but generally because FIL was a bully and he would never stand up to him.

I said no and that it needed to be a name we both liked.

DH wanted a compromise (so he wouldn't get grief from his Dad) and suggested the middle name and also his Grandfathers name. We would then have had to go down that route on my side of the family, so I wrote out all the middle names and that solved the problem for us.

My DS would have been Lucyccfc, Joe, Peter, Michael, George, Albert, Horrace. Once DH saw it written down, he realised how ridiculous it was and we went for one first name and no middle names.

I was still the one that had to phone FIL and tell him, but I never allowed him to bully me lol.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/08/2014 12:31

I agree with the posters who say that your DH is not being fair just vetoing other names. You need to sit down with him and draw up a shortlist of first names that does not include MIL /MIL mother's name. You can then negotiate on middle names.

We actively avoided family names for our DC as have my siblings. However, there is a tradition that the women have a particular middle name and my DB has kept it up (now 4 generations). I have sons so the middle name wouldn't have suited them Wink.

mrsnec · 15/08/2014 12:37

Yes exactly the same situation here. Pils went round telling everyone they hadn't decided on a name yet like it was thier choice.

Mil didn't want any family names used but I wanted my nan's name and dh wanted his nan's name.

I had a proper meltdown over it! Mainly because I felt it was ultimately my choice.

I don't like dhs nan's name and didn't want to honour her particularly, dh understood that. he doesn't like my nan's name and they sounded ridiculous together.

Our solution is a first name on the shortlist that rhymes with the name my nan's nickname (Connie) and a middle name which is just the first syllable of her name (Eve) those are enough of a nod to my nan to me and means we don't have to use the name I don't like.

Would doing something like that work? Are there similar names you like.

grubbybrat · 15/08/2014 12:53

Poor old Ronnie Mrsnec...

MamaLazarou · 15/08/2014 12:58

YANBU

YANBU

YANBU

Your child should have a name you both love. Keep trying until you find one. My husband and I had a long struggle but got there in the end.

Middle names to honour relatives is a good compromise.

YellowTulips · 15/08/2014 13:04

YANBU

I wanted my son to have my fathers name but DH didn't like it.

We compromised (as adults do) so DS has my fathers middle name as his middle name and a first name DH and I agreed together (non family related).

My DF was thrilled part of his name was given to his grandson.

Is there a compromise you can make like this?

partialderivative · 15/08/2014 13:05

Rockinhippy
I think cathpip summed up how I read the OPs DHs "willingness to compromise" well with I highly suspect that the "willingness too compromise" and then him hating every other suggestion is him having a strop for not getting his way though

You may well be correct, it's hard to work out from the OP.

However, I still do not understand your 'pull rank' comment. Seriously, do you think that a 'rank' applies to parenthood?

meddie · 15/08/2014 13:15

my sister solved this by giving her ds a middle name from both her FIL and her dad. would it be an option to give your DD both your mums and your FILS names as middle names. No one ever uses them anyway unless you are disciplining children (if you are my mother that is) then you get your full title....

YellowTulips · 15/08/2014 13:16

If it helps OP, DH and I bought a baby names book and went through it and highlighted (in different colours) the names we liked.

We then looked at each other's and in some cases highlighted ones each other liked that we had missed.

Anything highlighted by us both went on a short list and we ranked them in the order we liked them eg 10 to 1 (10 being the one we like the best).

We then added up the points and looked at the top 3 names and picked one from that list.

I know it must sound a bit OTT but our name choices were very different and we had real trouble agreeing, so a really methodical process worked for us and we both felt it was fair.

Whilst DS's name wasn't either of our individual first or second choices we both liked it and now we can't think of him being called anything else Smile.

AmberLav · 15/08/2014 13:59

Before we got married, DH told me that the children were having his surname, and that was that! (He's generally very reasonable!)

But it's meant that I have no issues about vetoing any name choice (he also had veto right if he hated it too), and also I felt better about pushing a name that I really liked. Middle name have gone to both side's of the family; DS has my (dead) dad's first name as his middle name, and DD has (alive) SIL's first name as middle name...