To wonder why people do this

[Skychangesky]

I've no family - well apart from DD. So naturally, she's only got me.

This is obviously painful.

So why do people make you repeat the statement - honest question?

'Have you any family who can help?'
'No.'
'No-one?'

It's as if they want further details or you must be lying ... I don't understand it?

well it needs clarification for some people. I would say we've no family ...meaning we've no family nearby/who could or would help out but of course we do have some family - very little compared to the massive, helpful, dynasties I seem to be surrounded by.
I am sure they do not mean to offend.

'No' can mean you don't have any, or you have family but they're disabled so it's hard for them to help, or they work, etc, etc.

But surely the actual intricate detail shouldn't matter - I am answering their question, if I wanted them to know more I would expand.

If someone asks if I have a family member who can help and I say no, does it matter if I mean no, they live in New Zealand or no, they are dead? I've answered the question! :)

Having absolutely no family to help out is a bit... for lack of better word... strange. Most people have some family nearby.

It does rather rub salt into the wound doesn't it.

The incredulity and the interrogation is enough to make anyone feel isolated!

OH. Its not a bad thing either. Just to clarify.

But I think most people would find it surprising enough to double check they heard or understood correctly.

On your other thread, people were asking for background so they could better help you with your specific dilemma. < shrug >

I'll resurrect my dead parents then so I can be "normal". While I'm at it, I'll resurrect my dead grandparents and have a right go at them for not having more than one child so we can go back in time, and my parents can have siblings meaning I'll have uncles, aunts and cousins.

Strange. What a horrible way of putting it. I wonder if people now see what I'm constantly dealing with?

Oh I didn't mean that thread AF. I was actually thinking of my health visitor!

I agree with you Sky. AHHD I have no family nearby, and many people I know are also in that situation. So not strange at all!

And miscellaneous has it - it's that sort of 'what, no one?' in a disbelieving tone - be so much nicer if someone said kindly 'oh, sorry to hear that.' Which in fairness they have once or twice.

Ok then

I get it too. To clarify, I do have family just not close by. And even then not fit enough to help.

I think it's people's way of letting you know that they don't think you have it all that hard and what the fuck are you moaning about anyway.

Although maybe I am being uncharitable.

It really annoys me, I don't think I do have it that hard but I sometimes think health visitor exists to annoy me!

I think possibly it depends on definitions of family. Some people think family is just you, your partner and your DC; others mean anyone who is a connection, even your step-sister's second cousin that you never met should be obliged to help you out.

I think most people would be shocked that someone has no help or support.

I find it quite scary that somebody who has a small child has no back up at all.

'Most people have some family nearby'

• really?

Don't think that's been my impression; since having children 19 years ago I've never felt like the odd one out for not having family nearby.

Op, people are not alwys kind, sadly.

I had similar when I was at school. After a suicide attempt I was told to meet a counsellor at lunch time. He asked me about my friends. I said I didn't have any. He said 'you must have SOMEONE?'

It must be so nice to be in their world.

From a HV point of view it may be because what would happen if you was suddenly very unwell and needed a hospital admission.

I am a single mum and have been since pregnancy so obviously without family support we're all headed for the gutter SGB!

I'm being unfair actually as a couple of health professionals have been lovely and have mentioned it but in a positive way which makes me feel very proud. But some people seriously need lessons in tact! Just to clarify I definitely don't mean earlier thread about leaving money to DD. If I die as obviously that's different - people WERE helpful!

Argh ICan but can you not see how - I don't know - infuriating that is?

I can't conjure people up from mid air, can I? I'm just doing my best with what I've got, which is me! And I can hardly stuff DD back inside me now can I!?

Honestly, seriously, what do people want me to DO?

Turn the question around to the HV, say well no I haven't got nobody to help me. How do I go about getting a support network with people who I can trust.

I would certainly not dream of saying that, as an English graduate and teacher!

I would say "I haven't got anybody to help me!"

But actually I wouldn't - she would probably make a note on her file that single mum with no family is not coping!

The point is though to aggressively quiz people (as opposed to gently ask) them about something painful is not on - it's very rude.

Family can mean parents and siblings, or uncles/aunts, grandparents, second cousins etc etc... I guess the second question is a prod to consider ANYONE with a shared bloodline :)

Well yeah I know that! I think most people do know what family means ,

I still think an incredulous 'no one?' is extremely rude and tactless.