To wonder why people do this

[Skychangesky]

I've no family - well apart from DD. So naturally, she's only got me.

This is obviously painful.

So why do people make you repeat the statement - honest question?

'Have you any family who can help?'
'No.'
'No-one?'

It's as if they want further details or you must be lying ... I don't understand it?

Yes, I think this is the problem, the issue. I don't know about the best option: we are talking literally the only option.

I think a lot of people SAY oh, we would take suchabody's DCs. But what if you actually had to? This would majorly impact on your family, your existing children, finances - down to house size, bedrooms, car, holidays, childcare, university, and the thing is for most people you would be at the bottom of a long-ish list as before the mum would be dad, aunts, grandparents and so on.

In my case I am the only thing, only one in the way so if I died it's a very real scenario that DD would have to be looked after by somebody else and people are more reluctant to sign up then! I don't begrudge people this - I'd 100% rather people were honest. But people who I know would be honoured would also be TOTALLY unsuitable.

Of course, I KNOW some form of foster care would be horrible for my little girl but I am afraid repeatedly telling me this doesn't make it any more likely my dad will walk through the door beaming and saying don't be so daft, she'll live with her Granddad. No one wishes more than me that my DD has a backdrop of doting grandparents and adoring relatives but she doesn't and I can't change that.

She's got me - and believe me I will do my utmost for this little girl but I can't control everything and I am making a decision based on the best case scenario. Telling me that it isn't good enough is REALLY unhelpful.

I feel like I'm having to justify myself nick, as I've said numerous times now what my circumstances are but people keep pushing and tell me that they are "shocked" and that they are "worried" about my DD.

If you'd been newly bereaved and had a new baby, how might that make you feel?

OK. I wish you and DD all the best for the future.

Hopefully that person or people who you could trust to take DD in an emergency are waiting to meet you just around the corner.

Nick sorry if it came across that way, I wasn't really thinking of your advice, which seems very reasonable, more that the OP seemed to be getting quite upset with one particular poster (Cinnabar) giving suggestions when the OP seemed to have already considered these options and rejected them (which she is perfectly entitled to do, but if she's already decided then it seems an unnecessary cause of upset to her for her to keep trying to explain her thoughts).

No one has told you it's not good enough? I certainly haven't.

Look you are understandably emotional about this so if I were you I would speak to a HV who can hopefully advise.

But for the record, yep I would take a friends child if that is what we had discussed. And by that I mean sat down, discussed the wishes and hopes for the future and taken into consideration the upheaval. Having a child land on my doorstep would be a different issue!

Oh god my formatting is dire today. Nick, I agree with you 100% about the importance of working out who will look after children if parents die - hence I have a will with named guardians etc (which irrationally, I felt really superstitious about doing!). I know no-one is trying to upset the OP, but she seemed to be getting upset anyway, so i was trying to suggest she step away from the discussion if she's
Already made her decisions and dismissed alternatives.

I think there's quite a lot of projection going on with cinnarbar: she has said she would be devastated if one of her friends didn't ask her to have her children if something happened to the friend.

With respect,those knee jerk reactions - "yes of COURSE we will take your DCS!" are just the opposite of what you want, ideally.

If someone asked me to have their DCs if they died, I would probably have to say thank you for asking but no. I have a young baby, am on my own, work full time and do not have space. As well as being massively unfair on DD it would be unfair on the children too.

It reminds me when adoption programmes are on and people say oh, I would LOVE to adopt, I will have ALL the children, without thinking properly.

I got pregnant by mistake and I got pregnant not realising my surviving family member who I am close to would die before I gave birth - obviously those aren't ideal circumstances but I'm doing my best. Having lost so many people I am obviously aware I could die and DD would be alone but I genuinely don't have people I can leave her with!

I understand what you mean Parallox, and doing a will is horrible. You do think "oh this will never happen to me"! And putting it in black and white seems so, what's the best word to use, calculated?

OK, I clearly can't do right for doing wrong so I'll leave you in peace.

I still wish you and your DD all the best.

No, I'm not actually upset as such. It's upsetting thinking about who should be on the will really but then that's true anyway.

It's annoying when people tell you that you are wrong, when you don't have an alternative. Like if all you could afford was a ford KA and someone said 'I wouldn't put my children in that, it's dangerous, why don't you buy a Volvo?"

It all depends on your circumstances. I'm married, two children and I work shifts. We have a 5 bed house and with enough support that we could house more children if need be. This topic was discussed with my single sil and the understanding is that we will have her daughter should something happen (although I don't actually know if that's in her will)

Will you quit it cinnabar? You can just GO - you don't need to announce you are going, in some weird attempt to make me look hysterical and you calm and smug and rational!

You have prodded and goaded and pushed and irritated and it's worked: I am cross and het up and a little bit upset. Meanwhile, you remain smugly convinced that you're right, and I have dozens of suitable friends longing to take DD but I am a stubborn weirdo who wants her to go into foster care.

You are ludicrous.

Nick haha I was the exact opposite, I felt like once I'd written it down in black and white it was like tempting fate, and it definitely would happen to me! Of course, that isn't how the world works at all, and pretty irrational, I guess losses provoke different feelings in different people.

Sky, I do think you are miss interpreting posts. I'm not saying you are wrong about foster caring but given the experience I have had through work it wouldn't be an option at all for me. But you need to look into it and if it is the best option then so be it.

I know nick but your circumstances seem to be fairly secure, in terms of finances, relationships and so on. Perhaps not ideal but as we've established, there's just nothing ideal about losing a parent anyway.

With me, I have two or three friends I could leave DD with but when approached said they were flattered but did not feel they could - which as I say is fine - but the remaining friends are (believe me!) unsuitable!

I don't think I am. I just honestly don't know how many different ways I can say "no one can take my DD" - it's as if you think I am rejecting perfectly nice people who just differ slightly in their parenting styles to me. I'm not.

This is a very real fear for me, but I don't understand why people are ignoring what I'm saying - and maybe that's not the intention, but that is happening here, and it's frustrating and upsetting.

It does show what I'm dealing with on a daily basis pretty clearly though doesn't it!?

I wonder if there is an organisation or charity that might be useful in this situation. It seems to me that there has been a lot of talk of having no support system but no real suggestions of how to make one. There are many people who are lone parents with either no family living or perhaps family in another country. Sky could you try having a look online and seeing if anything looked relevant.

You are being absolutely fucking vile to Cinnabar.

And you do sound as though you have planted yourself firmly in the negative corner and won't be budged. Which is a perfectly normal reaction to a bereavement but ultimately won't do you or your dd any favours.

I think you would benefit from some counselling actually, for both your sakes.

But skychangesky has already explained over and over and over again and with much more grace than I would have, that it's not that foster care is the best option (hypothetically), it's the only option.

I see exactly where you're coming from sky and have seen it on other threads where a poster has said I need to do a or b, I've no other choice and posters have said what about c?. I don't know if it comes from a lack of understanding or a need to be right but it must so bloody frustrating. Hi think your example of the car has it spot on.

Op Congratulations for your new dd and sorry for your losses. your resilience in the face of adversity will benefit yourself and your dd iimmensely.

i think your experience of no family is becoming a lot more common but people who have family don't realise that there are people who don't - so they act surprised and not tactfully as it hasn't been their experience.

you have a lot on your plate at the moment and i don't think there should be any rush to identify a carer should the worse happen (ie you dying in the next few years) as your dd would be adopted by one of the many heavily vetted applicants who are desparate for dc. when she is older perhaps your friendship group will have changed and you may even have met a new partner (even one with a large and caring extended family...) and practically you could explore co-housing options where you and dd would be part of a wider community network. you can also take out critical illness cover etc. and aanother project for the future could be to make up memory books etc so your dd has a sense of her dgs etc even although they are no longer around.

with regard to your dds father it prob wouldn't do any harm to try and trace him, as your dd might.e curious in the future but that is a separate issue. i think the salvation army family tracing service might be able to help with this but i am not sure.

lastly it is so hard when a common question arouses such strong emotions such as grief, fear etc. i.find myself feeling grief when people ask why don't have have children, and get annoyed even tho they don't mean to upset me. so perhaps it would be helpful to have a few stock phrases such as "i have no family at all due to tragic circumstances. i have therefore nominated x friend as an interim emergency contact should i fall ill suddenly. i am also increasingly my social network through x yz."

lastly pleas don't feel guilty about anything. you deserve every happiness and your dd is lucky to have such a brave and caring mother.

I certainly haven't been vile on purpose. I have read through the thread and to be honest I thought I was quite pleasant and polite until I kept being asked and asked and asked and that was when I started putting things in bold and repeating them - and that was only because I was trying to emphasise the position/predicament I was in.

Repeatedly saying 'well I'd take my friends DCs' / 'some foster carers are AWFUL' just doesn't change my position, does it - but it does upset me.

I don't want counselling at the moment, thank you I am dealing with things quite well, but I really can't create people with a magic wand! can I?

YANBU. Have noticed this too, and not even in relation to "family" matters. I see it as a way of people who don't have much going for them making themselves feel superior.

The reply is of course, said in a sympathetic/surprised tone of voice "Aren't you independent from the parental nest yet? How old are you?"

Thanks wriggles and crash - I really AM trying. Probably making a right old mess of everything but I am doing my best!

It's a bit cringeworthy but I only have a first name to go off and it's a very common one in the country so I doubt I'd get very far. I did seriously consider not having DD - doubt anyone would have judged me - but a chance comment changed my mind.

Now I am wondering if I was wrong!

Now you are just being rude towards me. You pointed out how much of an ask it is to take a child and I agreed and said it was something I would consider but I thought you would see that people would consider it.

You need to know that foster care is not a bed of roses but as my comments and advice are unwanted I will bow out.

I'm not being rude nicky - or at least not intentionally so. I think I'm just genuinely baffled and confused as to why I'm saying things over and over and over again but people aren't hearing them. I don't know what specifically you are referring to, I regret if you've read rudeness into my posts but there wasn't any there.

I am confused, a bit upset and frustrated but I'm not being intentionally rude.

I know foster care isn't a bed of roses but what can I do