To wonder why people do this

[Skychangesky]

I've no family - well apart from DD. So naturally, she's only got me.

This is obviously painful.

So why do people make you repeat the statement - honest question?

'Have you any family who can help?'
'No.'
'No-one?'

It's as if they want further details or you must be lying ... I don't understand it?

I see exactly where you're coming from sky and have seen it on other threads where a poster has said I need to do a or b, I've no other choice and posters have said what about c?. I don't know if it comes from a lack of understanding or a need to be right but it must so bloody frustrating.

Oftentimes (not always), the OP says "Fucking hell! There's an option C! I never even thought about option C. Thanks for mentioning it, I'll go and take a look".

I see it as a way of people who don't have much going for them making themselves feel superior.

I see it as a way for people to try to help.

Why can't people believe Sky? Sometimes that is just how it is. If there is no-one, then there is no-one.

This summer I have been a slightly different situation in that my father and uncle both need visiting, both are poorly and I have no-one to leave my seven year old with when both father and uncle are in a distressing state. No-one. Nobody. No a soul. I had to wait until DH got home from work before getting needed medical treatment because that is how it is

It's like the OP has said that they have had a leg amputated and people are saying, no you haven't, are you sure, I'm sure you still have your leg really - go on!

Sky - sending hugs. I believe you.

I do think though, when people have explained (repeatedly ) optionC does not exist, repeating to them that optionA is Very Very Bad is unhelpful.

I really have explained so many times on this thread my circumstances, and DDs circumstances ... I know they're not ideal but I can't change them. Hopefully, it won't be an issue. I accept that if it is, poor DD will have an awful time and don't think I don't feel rubbish about that as I do.

But I can't do a thing about it.

Haha Lisa the weird thing is, I saw my dad's body, organised his funeral, saw him buried with my mum, I still don't quite believe it either! I guess that will come.

It's like the OP has said that they have had a leg amputated and people are saying, no you haven't, are you sure, I'm sure you still have your leg really - go on!

To me it comes across more as the OP saying she has had a leg amputated and can't get to work. And people aren't questioning the amputation itself, but are trying to explore alternative methods of getting to work if walking isn't an option. Perhaps OP hasn't considered them yet. Perhaps she has considered them but rejected them based on false information or assumptions.

Assuming that people are offering suggestions to make themselves feel superior - in fact for any reason other than to help - is pretty low.

Oh love, you're in a situation I understand all too well, and I'm sorry this thread has got so upsetting.

People think they're being helpful, but sometimes pick the wrong thing to be challenging about, as they hear things according to their world view, and would rather assume someone is being deliberately negative or should be doing something different, rather than be open to understanding that life is indeed perilous and tragic sometimes.

Your dad only passed away a few months ago, and you only just had your baby. Be gentle on yourself, give yourself time

We have no family nearby to help. And know a lot of people who don't, either. Hardly unusual in this day and age.

Thank you so much micscellaneous

ADHDNoodles Tue 12-Aug-14 23:23:39

Having absolutely no family to help out is a bit... for lack of better word... strange. Most people have some family nearby.

___

I can very, very occasionally, at a pinch, have my 72yo MIL take time away from my disabled 80yo FIL to watch my youngest for an hour or give us a lift to somewhere. She needs to make other arrangements for him, though. And that would still leave us with another boy to deal with.

SIL works nights and that's not the only reason she couldn't help us out with anything.

Neither close enough to drop by and request a favour.

My own family are 100 miles away.

I'm not that strange.

YANBU

I'm a single parent and my family all live overseas.

There is literally no one except me and ds. Mostly it's fine but when people press you for information it can bring it home to you how fundamentally alone you are.

It's hard.

Assuming that people are offering suggestions to make themselves feel superior - in fact for any reason other than to help - is pretty low.

I don't think it's quite that. People generally are very frightened of having their world view challenged, especially if they experience the world as comfortable, safe & reasonable. You see it when, for instance, someone has late-stage cancer. While what they need is friends who accept their condition - and help in ways appropriate to the situation - more than half will make chirpy suggestions on how they can improve their health (like the victim hasn't been through them all and is, in fact, having counselling to accept the truth), and a fair few will actually comment positively on how much weight they've lost!

They don't 'mean' to be cruel. They're just protecting their own fluffiness, as it were. Can't face uncomfortable facts.

I get this from both sides: members of my dysfunctional family can't accept that they're actually very selfish, and 'normal' people can't accept that some families are like this. I have to mentally shrug, but it's a burden I could do without.

sky I think that saying 'Really? No I e?' With utter dusbuef is just very very rude. It's as dime and as complicated as that.

It is probably partly because a lot if people have enough extended famy to see immediately that yes they have aunty x, cousin y and mum wo even thinking. But I'm sure they should be aware of people who don't have a lot of family and that yes sometimes you can find yoursf on your own.

Fwiw I am a single child too. I have two dcs and in case if my and DH death, I round have no one who I am comfortable to leave the dcs with. My parents are still alive but too old to look after young children. FIL is terminally ill and my SIL is struggling to cope with her own dcs wo adding two to the mix.
Apart from that, no other family members around. That's part if the parcel with having moved countries (and the rest of the famy having done the same ...).

I don't think it's unusual, strange or anything. I know there are plenty of people around in that situation, even where I live and people just stay put (they normally all know each other from primary school...) and showing disbelief like this isn't on.

sky can I point out that the fact you have no family around isn't a reason for you to think that the environment you provide for your dd isn't good enough.

I might be reading it all wrong but you have repeatly said that 'it's not ideal but that's the situation I am in and I have to make do with it'.

Do not ever think that having no family around is lesser than. It dies make things harder (I know that by experience) but it's never 'not as good as'

Thank you so much for understanding 'where I am coming from' as they say and I think the cancer analogy works.

People like to focus on what they see as the positives but if they don't exist, they don't!

I have some amazing friends and tbh I would trust them to take my DC if something was to happen to DH and I.

How ever These are friends who hasn't had children themselves and are never planning to have children themselves.

I would rather they went to someone who is willing to have them