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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why people do this

140 replies

Skychangesky · 12/08/2014 23:00

I've no family - well apart from DD. So naturally, she's only got me.

This is obviously painful.

So why do people make you repeat the statement - honest question?

'Have you any family who can help?'
'No.'
'No-one?'

It's as if they want further details or you must be lying ... I don't understand it?

OP posts:

noddingoff · 13/08/2014 00:11

It is rude and tactless, so you have no obligation to be sugar-coaty and explain-y when they have asked the second time.
Just "No" and a stare.
Or - if you can bear to - a curt "No. They're all dead." and a stare to shame them
Or, if they're particularly annoying and preoccupied with getting all the little boxes on the form filled in, "I refer you to my previous answer".
Or...."Hang on a minute....." ...."No".

MrsWinnibago · 13/08/2014 00:13

People can't envisage it and it's very common. I know a few people who have no family or are estranged.

GarlicAugustus · 13/08/2014 00:22

Having absolutely no family to help out is a bit... for lack of better word... strange. Most people have some family nearby.

... Exactly illustrates OP's point, ADHD. I'm trying to get much-needed support atm, which is a Sisyphean task in itself. One of the first questions: Do you have family nearby, who could help?
I'm not sure you can imagine how lovely it si to have to elaborate that I have family nearby and they will not help, I have asked several times and they laughed, then to try & summarise my family's attitude to people needing help so as to make my questioner feel better!
FFS, if I had anyone to help they'd be helping!

ADHDNoodles · 13/08/2014 00:44

Strange. What a horrible way of putting it. I wonder if people now see what I'm constantly dealing with?

You asked why people ask that question. I was telling you why some people might find it surprising and prod again.

I told you it wasn't a bad thing to have no family.

If you wanted to know if you were being unreasonable to be upset that they double checked like that, you should have put that instead.

Brabra · 13/08/2014 02:58

I don't think of family as only being blood relations. I have friends who I think of as being like family. I think that is why it is unusual to not have anyone, because the people I know who have no blood relations have forged new family ties with friends, etc.

temporaryusername · 13/08/2014 03:23

YANBU! I think it is rude to say 'no-one?' incredulously. Sometimes, if someone was in a situation where they needed help soon and I was trying to find out if anyone could help, I might probe just in case by 'no' they meant 'no-one I want to contact'. They might be cutting themselves off from help. Clearly you are not though.

I experienced a very rude response once from a teacher when I had to get a day off school to look after my mum - she kept saying 'Is there no-one else who could do it?' as if I was just trying to get out of school. People need to realise that your answers could be accurate and could be painful, and proceed with more tact.

HicDraconis · 13/08/2014 04:35

YANBU! It's not strange to have no family nearby if that's your situation, it's normal for you. Why on earth would someone prod or demand more details, do they think you're lying? Or you're going to suddenly conjure up a long lost cousin from nowhere living 2 doors down?

Happyringo · 13/08/2014 06:36

We have no family anywhere near us (my parents dead, DHs 250 miles away, our siblings living different places around UK).

It's not 'strange'. It is what it is. It winds me up when people seem incredulous that we can't just call on someone for childcare etc.

I wouldn't engage with the HV at all anyway unless you find it beneficial, it isn't compulsory

AggressiveBunting · 13/08/2014 07:00

I think how normal it is to live away from extended family depends a lot on certain factors such as education ( still typical in the UK to move away for Uni and many don't move back to their home towns) and job, as some people do jobs they can only do in certain locations. Therefore how typical it is amongst your own social circle also varies enormously. However, I also read that most people in the UK live within 10 miles of where they were born, so possibly having a geographically close family network is still the norm nationally.

That said, Probably a more polite clarification would be ' any close friends?' or something.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 13/08/2014 07:06

Totally agree with you op. I have siblings and cousins but not nearby, and they all have busy lives with work and children.

Original poster

Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 07:23

The thing is if somebody says do you have any family and I did but they lived in Germany or something I'd say yes, they live abroad.

As it is I say no - which surely should indicate they are either dead or we are estranged. In my case it is the former but either situation is going to be painful to be probed about.

It isn't just the HV - as some responses here have shown! "Strange" "odd" "shocked" - over something I can't help and didn't choose!

OP posts:

HKat · 13/08/2014 07:24

I don't think it's strange either - both our sets of parents live 200 miles away from us in opposite directions, my one db is overseas and DP is an only. All aunts/uncles on both sides live in same home towns as our folks. So no, we have no family for childcare and never have! Not at the drop of a hat at least. Most of our friends are on the same boat, having moved to London for uni/work, settled and then not returned to home towns. So not strange to me and my friends, but I do appreciate others will live and work in same place they grew up. Horses for courses and all that,but not strange.

Op yanbu - you've answered the specific question (about help) you were asked!

hackmum · 13/08/2014 07:29

I feel for you, OP, because it's painful enough not having any family without someone rubbing it in. The ideal response would be "I'm sorry, that must be hard," wouldn't it?

You often see it on Mumsnet - that assumption that there's always someone you can leave your child with if you have to go somewhere on your own (the childfree wedding being a case in point, but obv there are loads of other examples). It's really tough not having family around.

tobeabat · 13/08/2014 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowTeapot · 13/08/2014 07:39

No family to help out and yes it was horrid being in intensive care but my husband having to nstay at home with other child.

similar for a recent hospital visit.

asking huge favoura when I need a dr appointment where 2 small children isnt appropriate... from friends who never have to think about these things as family step in.

seeing people who go out once a week on complete shock my husband and I have never seen a film out rogether or gone for a meal the two of us.

and yes I get the tone of voice that makes it out to be somehow my fault, or even as a poster above, just wanting to remjnd me how unusual my position is!

CinnabarRed · 13/08/2014 07:40

YANBU.

I don't think it's strange; I do think it remains less common than having at least one person (blood family or friend) you could call on in an emergency, but definitely not strange.

My answer would be specific to the situation, actually.

Do I have anyone else other than me who could pick up DS1 from school if he starts vomiting? No. I may need to leave work and commute 1.5 hours home from the city, but I'm still closer than any of our blood relatives, including DH, and all our local friends have DC so couldn't take him.

But if I fell ill then my DH would be with me in 2.5 hours and my PIL would move heaven and earth to be with us and helping within 6 hours.

I wonder, OP, if it's the context of the question that makes people ask twice?

RainbowTeapot · 13/08/2014 07:40

Accusing us of being strange is beyond rude and insensiive.

Original poster

Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 07:46

Cinnabar my DD is only 2 months - well 2 months and 1 day :) so to be honest I've mostly had it during the pregnancy, birth and in the context of immediate emotional support. I'm keenly aware that if something happened to me DD would be in a massively vulnerable situation - but there genuinely isn't a thing I can do about that. Tutting and calling me strange doesn't change the situation but it does upset me a lot.

Yes I can see why people ask twice but I do think it is so tactless and insensitive. I guess I just wish people would think about how they phrased things.

OP posts:

Original poster

Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 07:47

Yy Rainbow

I don't have a husband or partner so I do live in fear of dying or needing to stay in hospital but the thing is I can't suddenly conjure living relations!

OP posts:

DepressedMom · 13/08/2014 07:48

People think those without family close by or without friends who can provide support are strange. I have neither family or friends close by, the nearest family are the other side of the world apart from one who I never see. It's how it is, unfortunately it seems to make people assume that you don't need anybody.

Georgina1975 · 13/08/2014 07:50

Yeah. It is annoying. My parents are overseas; my DB is overseas; DP's parents are dead and there is no extended family on either side.

But far from being "strange" it is quite usual in my circle. People have moved a long way away from family for University, work etc...

doziedoozie · 13/08/2014 07:52

Perhaps it depends which part of the country you are in.

We moved to the SE and most people had no family nearby as they had moved there. Perhaps in some part of the country families still live near each other.

IcecreamWhatSandwich · 13/08/2014 07:53

YABU

Original poster

Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 07:54

I do think though there's a difference between no LOCAL family and no family - if I had them but they lived abroad I would say 'yes but my mum lives in Thailand' or whatever.

All my family died in my teens (separately - it wasn't a big accident or anything) apart from dad who died when I was 7 months pregnant and by that time dd wasn't going anywhere but I am increasingly made to feel I am weird - someone even said on here they were shocked I had a child in my situation. That upset me a lot in fact.

Can people not accept crappy things happen?

OP posts:

Preciousbane · 13/08/2014 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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