To wonder why people do this

[Skychangesky]

I've no family - well apart from DD. So naturally, she's only got me.

This is obviously painful.

So why do people make you repeat the statement - honest question?

'Have you any family who can help?'
'No.'
'No-one?'

It's as if they want further details or you must be lying ... I don't understand it?

As a student HV with 2 young children and no family less than 2 hours away I can see both sides of this! Your HV is just establishing what local support you have in place, if you don't have any family locally my next question would be along the lines of 'do you have any support nearby from non family members?', because having a baby can be extremely isolating, and I can recommend local groups or invite you to postnatal group, or offer extra visits if that would help.

We don't have any emergency childcare, or babysitters, nearby. Dh and I only go out as a couple a few times a year when his parents visit. The only times my parents have looked after dd1 was when I had a mc and needed to go into hospital and when I was in labour with dd2 (not for any reason other than the distance). What I have done is built up my own support network of other parents who I can call on in an emergency or share childcare with, there are times when that isn't suitable though (picking up ill children from school), it's hard sometimes but we manage

SkyChangeSky yes, I agree it is a big difference.
Where I live most people have their siblings, cousins, parents etc all in the same place.

Oh, and my answer to that question is 'yes, but not nearby, it's just us!'

Flip flop I understand this but it's the way it is done -
I wouldn't object at all to someone like one lovely midwife who said when I said I had no family 'sorry to hear that, I'll keep a special eye out for you sweetheart, okay?' She was so lovely and I didn't feel patronised at all!

But unfortunately most people just start GRILLING me!

One of the worst things that happened to me was opening up about abuse I suffered as a child to a friend, I found myself dropped like a hot potato. It's like people think tragedy is catching. Also found myself avoided like the plague when I had a mc.

That has been my experience too.

Have you thought about home start? I found it really helpful to have a weekly visit from someone supportive. I intend to volunteer with them too. I think in some situations they can help by coming along to appointments to hold the baby.

Also when I thought I was going to have to take my older child into hospital with me when I went into labour... I read a fab post on here about how social services do have people that would look after a child in the situation mum has to go into hospital and they do realise it doesn't mean you cant care for a child but that sometimes you just dont have anyone.

I was still terrified of it happening but it helped to see it was viewed differently to abuse/neglect and that there would be someone to care.

in the mean time I'd really recommend home start. They may be able to help you find some other mums through groups etc for support. Childrens centres can be good too... although there's been a lot of cut backs.

Flip flop I understand this but it's the way it is done -
I wouldn't object at all to someone like one lovely midwife who said when I said I had no family 'sorry to hear that, I'll keep a special eye out for you sweetheart, okay?' She was so lovely and I didn't feel patronised at all!

But unfortunately most people just start GRILLING me!

It is not 'strange'. In London a good percentage of the population we are from another country which means we have no family help at all.

OP YANBU.

YANBU, can't you just find a babysitter? NO!

DPIL are dead, my parents are disabled and both DH and I's DSISs stayed in our distant rural home towns.

And if you engage your one brain cell you will realise any friend I could ask is coming to the same sodding school/village event I need a babysitter for!

sky so sorry you're in this situation and that your dad didn't get to meet his granddaughter. I hope you manage to forge some good friendships through mother and baby groups or something so that you will have someone to call on to help out in the future. Did you go to ante-natal classes? I know a lot of people make good friends there.

Yes, I do have friends :)

But, you just can't expect them to replace family (I know that isn't what you're saying!) I mean, I am okay - other people seem to think I must not be - but I am. But I do know this if I died I don't know who'd have dd whereas if I had my dad still he'd obviously have her.

Congratulations on your new DD!

In terms of support networks, mine have changed beyond recognition since having children - I guess because the support I need has changed beyond recognition too.

I second baby groups and post natal groups. I have made some of my best friends through them, including people I could call in the middle of the night if I had an emergency.

And, FWIW, I would do anything within my power to give emergency help to someone in your position if she needed it.

On the if-you-died point: I'm in my best friend's will as being the person she would want her children to come to if the worst ever happened.

Thanks :)

I know some people would give help, it's whether I'd want them too

Cinnar, I had a thread about this yesterday funnily enough but I don't really have anybody suitable I could ask. My best friend has two children of her own and she and her husband work full time. Others either have full lives with their own kids or they are nomadic/live abroad etc.

Hopefully I won't die but I do need to have a think obviously, as I could.

So what?!

DH and I both work full time and have three children of our own. We'd still take best friend's two in, in a heartbeat, if the worst happened.

So what?

So they wouldn't have room,for a start. Or time. Or money. Or the emotional resources to help support a little girl who would have lost everything.

I am sure you didn't intend to sound dismissive cinnabar but this is the sort of thing I am talking about and to be honest it isn't helpful. I have explained my friends wouldn't be in a position to take DD - maybe just take my word for it? :)

OK.

(Have you actually asked her?)

(Sorry.)

I don't mean to be morbid but have you got a will? And who would you put down as having your child if the worst happens?

It's not nice to think about but as a parent it is important to have these things in black and white.

Cinnabar - I'm genuinely thinking you are misunderstanding me on purpose, whether to annoy me or because you genuinely feel I'm in the wrong, I don't know, I won't pretend to know.

I am sure my friends (plural) would be delighted to be named as guardians on my will, but that isn't the point - the point is, I would be unhappy knowing that DD would live with them if I died.

They are lovely people but for a variety of reasons are unsuitable. I won't list them: if I could merge them all together they'd be perfect but I obviously can't do that! One good friend lives on a boat. Another good friend is very authoratative with her kids, using methods like smacking, shouting which I feel would be unhealthy for DD.

You know, the soil on my Dad's grave has barely settled and I have a very new baby and I am managing pretty well all things considered. I just wish a bit of kindness rather than grilling would follow my explanations.

I also don't know why you've apologised here, as clearly you're not sorry, as you felt the need to carry on making me explain and justify myself.

Sky I'm really sorry for your losses and for the way the HV posed her question.

Do you have a support system of friends at all? Someone earlier mentioned what would happen if you had to have a short stay in hospital, do you have anyone who you would trust to look after your daughter? If the answer is no then I would be trying to discuss this with your HV as i would want to ensure my DD was totally safe if anything unexpected were to happen.