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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people do this

140 replies

Skychangesky · 12/08/2014 23:00

I've no family - well apart from DD. So naturally, she's only got me.

This is obviously painful.

So why do people make you repeat the statement - honest question?

'Have you any family who can help?'
'No.'
'No-one?'

It's as if they want further details or you must be lying ... I don't understand it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 11:07

Nick, I had a thread on this yesterday but I will come back to - I can't conjure people up out of thin air. It isn't morbid, but I genuinely do not know what to do about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 11:08

I don't have anyone I'd feel totally confident leaving DD with, no.

I imagine if that did happen I would have to have her in some sort of foster care.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 13/08/2014 11:14

I'm not trying to annoy you. And I'm sorry that you are indeed annoyed.

I don't think you're wrong in your feelings. They are what they are, and that's never wrong.

I'm very, very saddened that you feel the way you do. Because I am projecting my own feelings - I would be devastated if any of my friends preferred their DD to go into foster care than come to me because they felt they couldn't ask me. Particularly something short term and finite like a stay in hospital.

I would never push myself forward, because I wouldn't want to intrude, but I would always, always be there for you and your DD.

Nicknacky · 13/08/2014 11:21

I don't expect you to conjure someone out of thin air, but there should be some provision made for your daughter should the worst happen.

I get that there may be aspects of your friends parenting you don't agree with but weighing all that up, it may be more in your daughters interest than long term foster care. I have my kids going to my mum but I don't even have her babysit at her house as her smoking, lack of interaction and junk mail gets on my nerves! But long term it's the best option.

It is something that will need some serious thought.

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 13/08/2014 11:24

Just as another alternative. My grandmother used to be in and out of hospital. used to call ambulances in the middle of the night that kind of thing.

When the ambulance people would pick her up they would ask her if she had anyone to call. She would say no, say no at the hospital to the nurses, the doctors, tell her bed neighbour she had no one.

And then the nurses would look in wonder and confusion when her 4 daughter, 11 grandchildren and their children would visit.

She just loved everyone feeling sorry for her. I wonder if this has now become more common place, that this is just an instinctive question for HCP to ask.

Mind you, people should be more sensitive. Ive asked people that question before in homeless services, trying to set up support. If I asked the q and was told no, Ive no one, I would say I was sorry to hear it, they had me now and hopefully we can work together to get support in place/get issue resolved etc

Original poster
Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 11:35

TakeMeUp - maybe, but I still think a bit of sensitivity rather than incredulity might be nice :)

Yes, we have established I need to find someone to take DD, and quite honestly I am flummoxed.

If I died, if, dd would lose everybody in her life.

I need to consider that when considering provision for her. Do I want my traumatised little girl to go to people who might smack her? Do I think she needs her own bedroom and space? Do I think she needs people who will understand she's sad?

With foster care at least there are laws and procedures which she wouldn't have if I named people. Cinnabar, I'm sorry YOU would feel devastated but with the greatest of respect my friends' potential devastation is nothing compared to what DD would feel, if something happened to me - it isn't about them, or you, or even me. It's about her.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 13/08/2014 11:39

If you did pass away then your dd would be devastated regardless of where she then went to live. But having a working knowledge of the foster system (whilst it is the best it can be)! It is not somewhere I would choose for my child to to live if there was any possible alternative.

She wouldn't necessarily have a bedroom to herself, or someone to notice when she would be sad if she was in foster are. They would be strangers to her whereas a long term family friend would know her and if they were a good enough friend they would respect your parenting beliefs.

CinnabarRed · 13/08/2014 11:40

And that's why I will disagree with you forever that foster carers - complete strangers to her - would be better for her than your loving friends.

Assuming your friends are decent, kind people then they, and their children, will naturally build their own relationship with your DD. You may find, perhaps among baby groups, people you spend hours with per week. I certainly did. Two of those people spent as much time each week with the boys and I as DH did, given he was working FT.

And, I'm sorry to ask this, but do you have any experience of foster care? Many foster carers are wonderful, but some (hopefully a minority) are appalling.

Original poster
Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 11:42

Yes, but it's damage limitation isn't it? I'm not expecting to go somewhere any time soon, but I do not have anybody in my life at the moment who I would trust to have my daughter if I died.

I would actually be grateful if people could respect that this is a measured judgement and not one made on a whim because I don't like their hair or something. The only suitable people are not in a position to because of existing demands on their life and their time: this leaves me with those people who I don't think realise the implications of what they'd be agreeing to do.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 13/08/2014 11:43

If you have life assurance then you can arrange for any pay out to be used to DD's welfare and upkeep; taking her on would not necessarily need to break your friends financially.

Original poster
Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 11:44

Cinnabar I have said twice now you are upsetting me.

No, I don't have experience of foster care, but i do not have anybody who could take my daughter

Do people NOW understand that I face this on a daily basis - I answer a question and people keep on, and on and on, rephrasing it, pointing out I need support or people I can leave DD with, with no suggestions as to how I can do this but insisting that I must nonetheless.

I feel enormous guilt as it is. I know I should never have had her, but what can I do, now?

OP posts:
FrenchJunebug · 13/08/2014 11:46

I have no family nearby either but I have friends. Not so strange in this day and age.

CinnabarRed · 13/08/2014 11:46

Is it possible that you have adjusted your mindset so firmly - for good and understandable reasons given your losses - to "it's me and her against all odds" to the point where you can't see viable alternatives?

Because I'm coming round to the view that you are wrong to leave your DD so vulnerable to something happening to you.

Nicknacky · 13/08/2014 11:47

Well no one expects to die, but I do think it's important to sort something out soon even if it is that your wish is for your daughter goes to foster care. You realise your daughter could end up out of the area she has grown up in, have to move schools are leave friendships? That's also something you would need to consider.

I think in your position as a single mother then you need to do it soon as your options are limited.

CinnabarRed · 13/08/2014 11:47

And of course you should have had her.

I am pushing you, because I am worried. Not for you, for her.

LisaMed · 13/08/2014 11:47

Hugs.

I hear you. I believe you.

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 11:48

I do not have anybody who could take my daughter.

I am not listing all the people I know and explaining why a) they can't take her or why b) they are not people I would leave DD with.

i do not have anybody who could take my daughter

Grandfather1 died before I was born. Grandfather2 died when I was nine. Grandmother1 died when I was seven, grandmother2 died when I was thirteen.

Mum died when I was fifteen. Dad died last year. Brother died when I was twenty-four.

i do not have anybody who could take my daughter

My dad has one sister who moved abroad when he was forty seven ? She fell out with him anyway (horrible woman to be fair.) my mum was an only child.

i do not have anybody who could take my daughter

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 13/08/2014 11:48

And only worried in the sense of what would happen to her if something happened to you.

I have no concerns about you as a mother or the two of you as a family unit.

Original poster
Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 11:50

Thank you lisa Flowers

Cinnabar obviously I don't give a toss about her.

But I do not have anybody who could take my daughter

The people who are suitable have said thank you for asking but they do not feel they can make such a commitment. That leaves me with people who are NOT suitable.

I do not have anybody who could take my daughter

No, I haven't closed my mindset, I'm explaining what my life is.

I do not have anybody who could take my daughter

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 13/08/2014 11:51

I will ask the question that I don't expect you to answer as it is none of my business.

But in the worst case scenario, what about your daughters father? Or his relatives? I obviously have no idea what the relationship but it's worth exploring for your daughters future if you aren't about?

Original poster
Skychangesky · 13/08/2014 11:54

Nicky, I don't mind questions but with respect I obviously have thought about these things myself.

DDs father is not contactable: he is not a UK national and went back to his native country within weeks of her conception. Given his response when I explained in fluent language of his mother tongue I was newly pregnant was to ask about laws relating to termination, I think it is safe to say he would be no help!

His country is a big place I don't know where he is, where to find him ... I just don't know.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 13/08/2014 11:57

Like I say, I didn't mean to pry and I'm sure you have considered it. My thinking was that a relationship that breaks down is a complete different ball game than a offspring being supported in times of need iyswim? But obviously that's not an option.

Like we have also said it need serious thought. But don't think foster care is the best option until you have investigated it. A child may not always be placed with parents but could spend time in a care home facility. Perhaps speak with your HV for some guidance about your options?

parallax80 · 13/08/2014 11:58

If you are adamant that there is no-one else appropriate to take your daughter if you die, and you have decided foster care is the best option, just write that down in a will and move on.

You don't have to justify yourself to the interweb. People are trying to offer suggestions instead of sympathy and I totally get how irritating that can be. ( do you have twins in the family? I don't know, my dad is long dead, my mum is adopted.) But really, it's not worth the upset it seems to be causing you.

parallax80 · 13/08/2014 11:59

strikethrough fail

Nicknacky · 13/08/2014 12:02

I think that's quite rude, parallax. I have offered advice as it is a subject that no one likes talking about but should be. The op isn't "justifying" herself but we are all trying to help her. And given that we are strangers on the web with possibly experience or knowledge in the area then that could help guide her.

I have also said if foster care is her request then she needs to put that in her will. No one is trying to upset her but given how peoples lives can be changed upside down in a millisecond it's important for provisions to be made for children.

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