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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH's surname as his ex wife still has it?

130 replies

ShellBeach · 12/08/2014 17:34

My DP has an ex wife they divorced ten years ago. She kept his surname and the title of Mrs. They have kids and apparently she kept it for their sake. We are now engaged and basically I don't feel comfortable in being another "Mrs X".
DP would like me to have his name, and said he'd ask her to revert to maiden name, I said no way, as I do understand it's her name her choice and I don't want to rock the boat and cause an atmosphere. If she chose to change it that'd be up to her. I just don't want to have the same name as her, it's like I am second best or something, second in line, or that I'm trying to compete with her in some way. And would seem weird he has "two" Mrs X's around. I would rather just keep my own name to avoid feeling like that. He said ultimately he is happy whatever name I decide to have. I love this man and want to be his wife but I don't want his name when he has his first wife still using it. Reading my post back I do sound a bit U (and insecure) am I?

OP posts:
KissMyFatArse · 12/08/2014 17:36

Id say yabu and a bit precious.

jackydanny · 12/08/2014 17:37

Just keep your name.
As they have DC she probably wanted to keep unity ( of name ) for that.

I wouldn't want to be a Mrs. Anything.
I'm MS.

AlleyCat11 · 12/08/2014 17:37

Can see what you're saying. Keep your own name. You are also being sensitive to ex-wife, by doing so. She will appreciate that.

ICanSeeTheShardFromHere · 12/08/2014 17:39

It's irrational but I completely understand why you feel like that and I think I'd feel the same.

Don't change your name if you don't want to. If he's that bothered he can change his name to yours.

But think on this: If you keep your name, any kids you have with him will have his name (presumably?) and therefore her name, but not yours.

MummyBeerest · 12/08/2014 17:39

Yanbu.

I wish my Dad's wife did that. We call her "current Mrs."

Bowlersarm · 12/08/2014 17:40

Keep your name for now, change it over when/if it feels right.

Namechangearoonie123 · 12/08/2014 17:41

I think it's bonkers to change your name anyway

Grin
BloodyClarey · 12/08/2014 17:42

Why would her kids not have his name not hers? Mine have mine.

whatever5 · 12/08/2014 17:45

I can't see the point in changing your name anyway but if your DH feels it's important for you to have the same name why doesn't he change his to yours. Then you will both have a different surname to his x.

Needadvice5 · 12/08/2014 17:45

I would feel exactly the same!
Keep your name....

needaholidaynow · 12/08/2014 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notagainmun · 12/08/2014 17:46

Double barrelled seems to be the in thing at the moment, suppose you could do that.

Mitzimaybe · 12/08/2014 17:50

Having posted a recent name-change AIBU myself, I'd say: do whatever feels right to you. If name-changing feels wrong then don't do it. Don't let him pressure you into it and definitely don't get him to pressure the ex into dropping his name. Makes sense that if their children have his name, she wants to keep it too.

See, if all women kept their names, none of these problems would arise!

diddl · 12/08/2014 17:52

I can't believe that he would ask his ex to change her name tbh!

Why shouldn't she have the same name as her kids?

He has!!

nemno · 12/08/2014 17:53

I'd keep my own name in your circumstances.

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2014 17:54

Well either way, the fact is you'll be his second wife.

Of course you shouldn't change your name if you don't want to, but I do think (from the reasons you've given) you might need to accept that he had a life/wife before you.

OwlCapone · 12/08/2014 17:55

I assume his mother is also MrsX.

Just do whatever you want wrt your name and leave the XW out of it.

squoosh · 12/08/2014 17:55

Are you quite sure you aren't actually marrying into a polygamous Mormon sect?

If you're sure you aren't well then just keep your own name.

OwlCapone · 12/08/2014 17:55

Also, the XW doesn't have "his" name. It is also hers.

InanimateCarbonRod · 12/08/2014 17:56

I kept my own name. Could not be bothered to change it. DH doesn't care as long as he can call me his wife.

StrawberryMouse · 12/08/2014 17:56

I wouldn't like that either op, I don't think it's insecure. Suppose that's what happens on the second time around though. Are you happy to keep your name?

ajandjjmum · 12/08/2014 17:57

I didn't want to change my name - felt quite emotional about it (and that was 30 years ago), so stayed Ms A. When the children came along I was referred to at doctors/schools etc. as Mrs. B (DH's surname which the children have) which was fine. On passport/driving licence etc. I'm Ms A B.

But I haven't changed at all, and if anyone asks my name I always answer Christian Name A, and it works for me.

Your reasons to stay with your maiden name at the moment make sense, but just be open to being flexible in the future, if ex-W re-marries for instance, or you have children, you might feel differently.

littlewhitebag · 12/08/2014 17:58

My brothers ex and his current wife both have the same surname as they both took his on marriage. His ex didn't change hers as she wanted to have the same name as their DD. DB has another DD with his new wife so both half sisters share the same name. There appears to be no issue with any parties involved.

Branleuse · 12/08/2014 17:58

can he take your name?

Floralnomad · 12/08/2014 17:59

YAB a little bit ridiculous.

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