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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH's surname as his ex wife still has it?

130 replies

ShellBeach · 12/08/2014 17:34

My DP has an ex wife they divorced ten years ago. She kept his surname and the title of Mrs. They have kids and apparently she kept it for their sake. We are now engaged and basically I don't feel comfortable in being another "Mrs X".
DP would like me to have his name, and said he'd ask her to revert to maiden name, I said no way, as I do understand it's her name her choice and I don't want to rock the boat and cause an atmosphere. If she chose to change it that'd be up to her. I just don't want to have the same name as her, it's like I am second best or something, second in line, or that I'm trying to compete with her in some way. And would seem weird he has "two" Mrs X's around. I would rather just keep my own name to avoid feeling like that. He said ultimately he is happy whatever name I decide to have. I love this man and want to be his wife but I don't want his name when he has his first wife still using it. Reading my post back I do sound a bit U (and insecure) am I?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 13:14

it is an absolute PITA to change your name, especially if you have been known by your married surname professionally for many years

if I got divorced I would keep the name I have been using for the last 20+ years, I simply could not be arsed with the kerfuffle of changing it

Stratter5 · 13/08/2014 13:19

Exactly, it's a huge pain in the arse, and I married for over 20 years, it's my name now.

OP would have a tough time if she was dating my XH, we still have a joint bank account too

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 13:24

Ha !

spanieleyes · 13/08/2014 13:25

I had had my married name longer than my maiden name when we split up, my children had the same name so I kept it. My ex's new wife has the same name-as does his mother and his brother's THREE wives, there are plenty of us around!!
My ex and I still have a joint bank account ( after 15 years divorced) and I have his current wife's bank card so I can access her account .

Stratter5 · 13/08/2014 13:26

I think you could be the first person who hasn't reacted with a 'what the actual fuck, you still have a joint account?'

squoosh · 13/08/2014 13:26

'My ex and I still have a joint bank account ( after 15 years divorced) and I have his current wife's bank card so I can access her account'

You definitely win!

OwlCapone · 13/08/2014 13:28

I think all women should keep their own name

Really? I think all women (and men) should choose whatever name they damn well want to.

Stratter5 · 13/08/2014 13:28

You do win, I can't compete with current wife's bank card

VanitasVanitatum · 13/08/2014 13:32

Keep your name and double barrel the dc if you have them?

spanieleyes · 13/08/2014 13:32

There is a good reason! They live abroad, she is a citizen of the country they live in so can run a bank account there more easily than he can. He puts money in her account and I can take it out here, easier than bank transfers!!

grocklebox · 13/08/2014 14:53

funny how there are women here who want to be able to choose their own name AND the name of any previous spouse. Controlling and greedy much? Grow up.

Davsmum · 13/08/2014 15:28

No one has to change their name.
You can keep your own but it is daft to not change if you normally would just because his ex has that name - His mother would also have the name too!
My ex husbands new wife took his name, so it is the same as mine. I kept it because of the children even though I have a new partner.
My DP is not bothered i use my exes name because he is with ME not my name!
I don't understand why people get so wound up about such unimportant issues. You are his new wife,..not 2nd best, otherwise he would not be marrying you.

19lottie82 · 13/08/2014 15:52

can he take your name? ROFL!!!!! How many guys do you know that would actually agree to that??? Seriously???!

Back to the OP......I got married last month and had this problem. However I just got on with it. It's not ideal (in my world!), but I understand she wants to have the same name as her kids.

Original poster

ShellBeach · 13/08/2014 15:59

To whoever asked upthread whether I would take his name if the ex was removed from the situation, and the answer is yes I would, in a heartbeat. Therefore I think this is something I need to just get over, I knew I was being immature and greedy it helps to have others give u kick up the arse to make you realise it.

OP posts:

Sicaq · 13/08/2014 16:32

Would he think about taking your name, OP? His reaction if you suggested it could be quite telling about his motives here.

Sicaq · 13/08/2014 16:33

19Lottie, I personally know three men who have.

5toocoolforschool · 13/08/2014 16:56

my husband uses my name generally but officially he never changed it,like others said,too much kerfuffle.

Original poster

ShellBeach · 13/08/2014 20:21

He has actually said in a separate conversation that he would consider taking my surname...! Might give that some more thought!!
Personally not keen on double-barrelling.

OP posts:

comingintomyown · 13/08/2014 20:54

He would like his former wife to take her maiden name again ? So that you are exclusively Mrs Lucky Bastard ? And then what if you divorce the mantle then gets passed on to the next Mrs Lucky Bastard and you return to your current name ?

Someone somewhere is being unreasonable

Original poster

ShellBeach · 13/08/2014 21:22

He doesn't care less what surname his ex has - he only suggested that he could ask her to change it when he saw that it clearly bothered me. Since then he hasn't mentioned it at all. If anyone's being U it's definitely me.

OP posts:

ThatBloodyWoman · 13/08/2014 21:26

I've had the same name as dh's ex for the best part of fwo decades.
And, it tickles me to think I've never thought anything of it before this thread.

I think you're overthinking just a tad, op.

Preciousbane · 13/08/2014 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sassyb0703 · 13/08/2014 21:41

I've had my dh surname for eighteen years, I love him and love having his name. There is an ex Mrs Sassy0703 who still uses his name but I simply don't care

ICanSeeTheShardFromHere · 13/08/2014 22:43

I know a guy who took his wife's name.

He was one of four brothers so no worries about 'continuing the family line'.

And his wife's name was way better than his name anyway.

Sicaq · 13/08/2014 23:55

Of the three blokes I know, one did it because he is Polish and he got sick of having to spell his very lengthy surname out So took her very popular five letter British name.

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