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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH's surname as his ex wife still has it?

130 replies

ShellBeach · 12/08/2014 17:34

My DP has an ex wife they divorced ten years ago. She kept his surname and the title of Mrs. They have kids and apparently she kept it for their sake. We are now engaged and basically I don't feel comfortable in being another "Mrs X".
DP would like me to have his name, and said he'd ask her to revert to maiden name, I said no way, as I do understand it's her name her choice and I don't want to rock the boat and cause an atmosphere. If she chose to change it that'd be up to her. I just don't want to have the same name as her, it's like I am second best or something, second in line, or that I'm trying to compete with her in some way. And would seem weird he has "two" Mrs X's around. I would rather just keep my own name to avoid feeling like that. He said ultimately he is happy whatever name I decide to have. I love this man and want to be his wife but I don't want his name when he has his first wife still using it. Reading my post back I do sound a bit U (and insecure) am I?

OP posts:
Lweji · 12/08/2014 18:02

And would seem weird he has "two" Mrs X's around

Surely that would only make sense if he was the only man on earth with the surname. I'm sure there will be other Mrs X around.

And why shouldn't she have it? She was married to the guy and you are his second.

Having said that, I'd actually tell you to keep your own name instead. No such problems for his 3rd. :) And no need for you to change back either.

Pregnantberry · 12/08/2014 18:03

I understand, I would probably feel the same. I would have conflicting feelings in that scenario though because while not wanting to be another Mrs. X, it would grate with me that she would have the name that I would want for myself, IYSWIM, so would be put off from staying Ms. Y. Of course none of this really matters, but it's just one of those niggly little things.

You can't change her mind, and I can understand why she would want to keep the same last name as her DC (although still using Mrs. is a bit weird, when the 'Mr.' has totally moved on with someone else).

Are you and your stbDH considering having children? If so especially I would try and ignore what she is doing because it's not worth dwelling on if it would affect your DC.

Or, would you and your OH consider double barreling? Then you can both be Mr and Mrs XY, and exW can keep her connection to her children without making you two feel weird.

RidgyTipper · 12/08/2014 18:04

Easiest solution is for him to take your name.

OwlCapone · 12/08/2014 18:06

Easiest solution is for him to take your name.

No, the easiest solution is for no one to change their name.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2014 18:06

The way you talk about being the "second Mrs X" makes me think that there are going to be more issues than just the issue of a name.

AnneBilton · 12/08/2014 18:07

It's the family name - take it and be proud of it! 'Ms' winds me up considerably!

squoosh · 12/08/2014 18:09

Why does Ms wind you up?? Confused

maddy68 · 12/08/2014 18:09

I think you are being over sensitive. Keep your own name if you want. But the ex will still be known as mrs xxxxx whereas you won't. Will you be ok with that?

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2014 18:09

Easiest solution is for him to take your name

Like his ex wife, he might not want a different surname to his children

windchime · 12/08/2014 18:10

I kept my exH's name. We divorced 10 years ago. It cheers me greatly that his fiancée may be at all vexed by this Grin

5toocoolforschool · 12/08/2014 18:12

I wouldnt like it either,but then i havnt changed my name and my kids have my name too,dh doesnt mind(not that it would make any difference.did offer to double barrel kids but hes not keen db names)

ICanSeeTheSun · 12/08/2014 18:13

If I got divorced then no way would I change it, it a PITA to change every thing.

Just keep your name

5toocoolforschool · 12/08/2014 18:13

why would anyone keep their exs name?I wouldnt want it?I dont even understand it to be the same as the kids,its stupid,you know they are yours!

OwlCapone · 12/08/2014 18:28

why would anyone keep their exs name?

Perhaps because it is now their name?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 12/08/2014 18:32

Yabu precious and insecure. You're not second best. He wants you! This is all built up in your head. You're not competing with her. They split years ago.

Lots of people keep their married name on divorce.

Do what you want here, if you want his surname, have it, if you don't keep yours but kick these feelings to the kurb imo as they're not rational.

Is there a backstory with his ex perhaps? Do you dislike her? You shouldn't have anything to feel inferior about and congratulations on getting married.

It wouldn't bother me if ExH got married again and they took his surname btw.

AnneBilton · 12/08/2014 18:43

If you are a family you are Mr and Mrs, or Mr and Mr, or Mrs and Mrs - if titles grate then don't use them - be Elizabeth Windsor. Just don't faff around pretending you don't care.

jackydanny · 12/08/2014 18:45

It's nobody's business if I am married or not.
MS affords me the same discretion as a man.

Pregnantberry · 12/08/2014 18:54

Ms doesn't exist because people just don't like titles, it exists because some women resent having to declare their marital status to do anything vaguely official when men don't. If that doesn't bother you then you don't have to use it, but it seems closed minded to reject or complain about other people's use of Ms just because you don't have a personal use for it.
Also, there is usually not an option to just be 'Elizabeth Windsor' because most forms are automated and require you to give a title to proceed. If you refused to use a title then you wouldn't be able to book dentist appointments, get a library card, get a bank account, etc.

StrawberryMouse · 12/08/2014 18:54

What happens when the ex wife meets someone and wants to get married? Would she still keep the name then?

OwlCapone · 12/08/2014 18:54

If you are a family you are Mr and Mrs, or Mr and Mr, or Mrs and Mrs

Nonsense. If you are a family you are a family whichever name and title you choose to use. There are no rights and wrongs.

whatever5 · 12/08/2014 18:54

Like his ex wife, he might not want a different surname to his children

He obviously doesn't think it important for a parent to have the same surname as their children if he was going to ask his ex wife to change her name though. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Branleuse · 12/08/2014 18:57

or choose a new name for you both

Branleuse · 12/08/2014 18:57

kids dont give a shit what their parents surnames are

grocklebox · 12/08/2014 18:58

his mother is mrs x too, and his granny, and possibly his sils, aunts, and a long line of women stretching back.

its herself you have a problem with, or yourself. take it, dont, but yes yabu.

whatever5 · 12/08/2014 18:59

If you are a family you are Mr and Mrs, or Mr and Mr, or Mrs and Mrs - if titles grate then don't use them - be Elizabeth Windsor. Just don't faff around pretending you don't care.

Ha Ha. You have obviously never tried not using a title. In the UK, the computer will always say no if you don't agree to be either miss/ms/mrs/dr/mr etc.

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