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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH's surname as his ex wife still has it?

130 replies

ShellBeach · 12/08/2014 17:34

My DP has an ex wife they divorced ten years ago. She kept his surname and the title of Mrs. They have kids and apparently she kept it for their sake. We are now engaged and basically I don't feel comfortable in being another "Mrs X".
DP would like me to have his name, and said he'd ask her to revert to maiden name, I said no way, as I do understand it's her name her choice and I don't want to rock the boat and cause an atmosphere. If she chose to change it that'd be up to her. I just don't want to have the same name as her, it's like I am second best or something, second in line, or that I'm trying to compete with her in some way. And would seem weird he has "two" Mrs X's around. I would rather just keep my own name to avoid feeling like that. He said ultimately he is happy whatever name I decide to have. I love this man and want to be his wife but I don't want his name when he has his first wife still using it. Reading my post back I do sound a bit U (and insecure) am I?

OP posts:

coalscuttle · 12/08/2014 19:03

Unless he is the only man on the planet with his surname, there are provably already thousands of mrs x...

KnackeredMuchly · 12/08/2014 19:06

I took my DHs name, from your view point I say YANBU

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/08/2014 19:07

I think yabu.

If you want to take his name, then do so.

WooWooOwl · 12/08/2014 19:12

It's your name, so how you feel about it is up to you. Take his name or don't, but I'm shocked your DP suggested he could ask his ex to stop using a name that is 100% her own.

You're probably better off keeping your own name if that's the way he thinks.

Itsfab · 12/08/2014 19:17

I have only read the OP but while I understand your feelings he is divorced from her and wants to marry you so no need to feel insecure or whatever negative feeling it is you are feeling. You would be out of order asking her to change her own name because you want to be the only Mrs X. Even if she did there would be other Mrs X's but only one married to Mr X. If you want his name, take it and stop being so daft.

Maybe one day she will marry and take her new husband's name or maybe she will also not want to be called the same as you and change it then but don't marry him and take his name on that basis.

5toocoolforschool · 12/08/2014 19:28

While i dont agree its the ops fiancees place to ask the ex to change her name,i wouldnt agree that its 100 per cent her name.She changed it when she was married to him,shes not married to him anymore,so surely it makes sense to use her own name?

Maybe i just have a strange view of these things (there were 2 surnames between me my mum,stepdad and half brother and i dont really get the whole name thing) but to me,YOUR Name,is the one that YOU were born with.Im not trying to be offensive,im just wondering if anyone else sees it like that or is it just me?

JaceLancs · 12/08/2014 19:28

I changed my name on marriage - many years ago when it was more traditional to do so, but also I wasn't that keen on my maiden name and did prefer his which is quite unusual - we had 2 children both with this surname

When we moved to this county we were the only ones with this surname, in fact in other counties all who share name are related.

Sadly he ended our marriage when children were quite young, I kept name because it seemed sensible to re school etc also as I said I preferred it and had got used to it - also a faff to change bank, passport, driving licence etc

ExH is currently on wife no3 - so MrsJL is not as exclusive as it once was! Tough if subsequent wives have a problem with this, if I was married to him I'd be insecure too, but not because of the name

My adult children jokingly refer to me as MrsJL the original and best

I am unlikely to remarry but if I did would depend on their name as to whether I could be bothered to change, I would also consider how much it mattered to them

As it happens I don't particularly like my first name either - so perhaps I could change that too! I'm still the same person and don't really get why people bother so much

Medibeagle · 12/08/2014 19:46

Would it be possible to combine you surnames? It would be something new for him as well as you.

oneearedrabbit · 12/08/2014 19:51

I have to say, if my ex H asked me to change back to my previous name, because his new wife- to- be wanted to be the only Mrs Rabbit, I would tell him to stick his request where the sun don't shine.
Honestly I feel I have heard everything now.

OwlCapone · 12/08/2014 19:53

Maybe i just have a strange view of these things

Or maybe you simply see things differently. There's really no right or wrong. For me, it is my first name that is important as it was chosen and given with love, not just circumstance.

Regardless, it is irrelevant as it is how the XW feels about her name that is important.

WooWooOwl · 12/08/2014 19:54

5toocool, we probably all see it differently, it's one of those personal thing where there isn't a right or wrong.

Personally I feel that when I got married and changed my name, that name became mine to keep forever. It was freely given by my husband, and while he could always choose to divorce me, he doesn't have the right to change anything about me, including my name. Just as it wasn't his choice when I changed my name, it wouldn't be his choice whether I changed it back or not in the event of a divorce. My name isn't just about my marriage.

As I said, I have a different surname to my children anyway, but I can imagine that for some people having the same surname as their children is quiet important. Once children are born, it kind of reinforces the right of a married women who chose to take her husbands name to have the right to keep it forever.

SignYourName · 12/08/2014 20:00

I understand how you feel. I kept my name in similar circs as DH's ex-wife not only kept her married name, but has the same first name as me too!

Happyringo · 12/08/2014 20:09

When I split from exH I couldn't wait to go back to my maiden name - always hated my old married name, and regretted ever taking it. Yes it meant I then had a different surname to dd1, but really this didn't matter to me or her.

When I remarried though, I was more than happy to take DHs name...his exW still uses it too, but it would never have occurred to me to ask her not to, or to ask DH to ask her not to. Equally it never occurred to me not to use it just because she still does. My exH is about to get remarried, and given how outraged he was when I dropped his name before we even divorced, I'm glad he is now able to inflict it on someone else!

Do what you feel is right for you OP, and try not to factor his exW into it at all. Her decision to keep the name is maybe due to convenience, not a deliberate attempt to remain the original Mrs ....

Original poster

ShellBeach · 12/08/2014 20:15

Blimey signyourname, can't imagine how awkward to have same first name as the ex as well?!

I didn't ask DP to ask his ex to change it, but when I mentioned how I felt about it he said "oh I am sure XW won't mind going back to having Y as her surname, I could ask her?" I immediately said no. Think he offered to try and placate me somehow.

OP posts:

SanityClause · 12/08/2014 20:19

I just asked DD2 and DS if it concerned them that I have a different name to them. DD2 said sometimes if she was picking up the dry cleaning, sometimes she wasn't sure which name it would be under, and she would have to say both.

I have obviously ruined their lives.

fedupbutfine · 12/08/2014 20:24

kids dont give a shit what their parents surnames are

really? you speak for all children? I never used my married name for reasons I won't go into here but now I'm divorced, my children actually care very much about us having different names. It wasn't something I had anticipated as it really doesn't bother me!

chaseface · 12/08/2014 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 12/08/2014 20:27

YABU. Do what feels right, but a name is not borrowed, to be handed back because the marriage is over. If my ex asked me to change mine back, I'd tell him to get knotted.

carlywurly · 12/08/2014 20:33

Wind chime - me too!

I had a brief wonder if op was ow but we weren't quite 10 yrs ago - to my knowledge anyway..

Inertia · 12/08/2014 20:42

He can't ask Ex wife to change her name! Well, he can, but she'd be entirely right to refuse.

You can keep your name, take his, both take yours, both keep your own name, combine them - up to you. If you have children then I'd give them both surnames.

Original poster

ShellBeach · 12/08/2014 20:46

Nope I was definitely not an OW he had been divorced a good while before we even met.....

OP posts:

BuggersMuddle · 12/08/2014 21:04

YANBU to not want to change you name and you don't need to have any reason IMO other than 'I don't want to'.

That said, I do think your reasoning is a little odd, because they divorced and you 'chose' each other.

I don't know how long he and ex were married, but with DC I can understand wanting to retain same name. Even if not, if you spend a significant proportion of your adult life with one name (potentially longer than you went by your maiden name) I can understand not reverting, particularly if the split is not acrimonious.

Any children (if that's the plan) could be double-barrelled. In the unlikely circumstance that we have any, that would be our plan.

You can also 'go by' whatever name you like. I will answer to 'Mrs DPsName' and he has equally answers to 'Mr Muddle', even though to his mind, that's my dad.

carlywurly · 12/08/2014 21:20

Sorry op, my post read like it was accusing you of being an ow - really didn't mean that at all!

Perfectly timed post though as xh remarries very soon and she could have this very situation. It hadn't crossed my mind about the names until now.

Original poster

ShellBeach · 12/08/2014 21:30

That's ok Carly no offence taken just didn't want anyone sitting there reading thinking unnecessarily that I was someone else... I still think I am in a minority for feeling this way, I assume most "second" wives don't give two figs about what name the ex wife has and do as they please.... Not me, I let too many things niggle....

OP posts:

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 12/08/2014 21:53

Why are so many things niggling? There has to be more than meets the eye here.

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