To not want DH's surname as his ex wife still has it?

[ShellBeach]

My DP has an ex wife they divorced ten years ago. She kept his surname and the title of Mrs. They have kids and apparently she kept it for their sake. We are now engaged and basically I don't feel comfortable in being another "Mrs X".
DP would like me to have his name, and said he'd ask her to revert to maiden name, I said no way, as I do understand it's her name her choice and I don't want to rock the boat and cause an atmosphere. If she chose to change it that'd be up to her. I just don't want to have the same name as her, it's like I am second best or something, second in line, or that I'm trying to compete with her in some way. And would seem weird he has "two" Mrs X's around. I would rather just keep my own name to avoid feeling like that. He said ultimately he is happy whatever name I decide to have. I love this man and want to be his wife but I don't want his name when he has his first wife still using it. Reading my post back I do sound a bit U (and insecure) am I?

I know someone who took his wife's name too. It does happen.

Im 'the second mrs violet', but it has never occurred to me that this is the case till reading this thread, ive never met her and it makes zero difference what she is called.

Obviously his ex will be present in his life to some extent as they have kids but that in itself is far more the issue imo, than what she calls herself.

Sorry not v clear, second para refers to your fiance, not my dh.

Don't change your name at all then.

For my step-mum, she thought taking my dad's surname more precious to her than taking offence at the fact my mum didn't revert to her maiden name. Mum had been a Mrs far longer than she had had her maiden name so her maiden name wasn't who she felt she was.

Personally I get sick of all the feminists who think they have the right to dictate and ridicule the rights of other to make their own choices about their lives.

Feminism expressed in this was is worse than the misogeny they claim to be fighting against. Both oppress the choices of women but feminism is worse because it claims to be the good of the woman!

Glad to see replies from people who are also the 'second' Mrs Hubby's-Surname and hadn't even had the thought bother them, or even occur to them.... There is hope for me to come round I think.