Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To not want DH's surname as his ex wife still has it?

130 replies

ShellBeach · 12/08/2014 17:34

My DP has an ex wife they divorced ten years ago. She kept his surname and the title of Mrs. They have kids and apparently she kept it for their sake. We are now engaged and basically I don't feel comfortable in being another "Mrs X".
DP would like me to have his name, and said he'd ask her to revert to maiden name, I said no way, as I do understand it's her name her choice and I don't want to rock the boat and cause an atmosphere. If she chose to change it that'd be up to her. I just don't want to have the same name as her, it's like I am second best or something, second in line, or that I'm trying to compete with her in some way. And would seem weird he has "two" Mrs X's around. I would rather just keep my own name to avoid feeling like that. He said ultimately he is happy whatever name I decide to have. I love this man and want to be his wife but I don't want his name when he has his first wife still using it. Reading my post back I do sound a bit U (and insecure) am I?

OP posts:

Sidge · 12/08/2014 21:54

I divorced 2 years ago and 'kept' my married name. I'd had it for over 15 years, it had become MY name. Going back to my maiden name would have been weird; I hadn't been that name since 1997. And changing my name for everything would have been a right ball ache. And my children share my surname.

So if my ex-Hs new woman now asked me to change my surname back to my maiden name so she didn't have to be the second Mrs X (though I use Ms now) I'd tell her to have a word with herself.

Unless you all live together with the ex-wife then sharing a name is no big deal. In the nicest possible way I'd like to tell the OP to get a grip; y'know even his mum might be Mrs Whatever too! She was the first one so you might be the third, not even the second

starlight1234 · 12/08/2014 22:10

I am divorced kept my exH surname. My 7 year old very much loves the fact we have the same name he tells me often.

If you don't want to change your name then don't but your reason I find odd. I am not sure what you think her keeping his name implies. I also wonder how you will feel with her despite not been married anymore will have his name yet you are married and don't?

I would love my Ex to ask me to change my name I would laugh in his face it is none of his business what I call myself

OwlCapone · 12/08/2014 22:11

OP, why "second" wives? No need for the inverted commas, the fact is that they aren't the first.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2014 22:23

I think the problem is that OP identifies not as "second" wife but as "current" wife

I see troubles ahead...

OwlCapone · 12/08/2014 22:26

It certainly sounds like the name is not the real or only issue.

coffeeslave · 12/08/2014 22:49

An issue I can see is that he wants you to change your name & suggested he ask his ex to change hers. Sounds like he thinks he has the right to tell women what they can call themselves. You don't have to change your name, even if it's what he wants. If he loves you he won't force you to change.

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 12/08/2014 23:07

OP - it sounds to me that you find it difficult that he has a history that you were not part of and that being a second wife is something to be ashamed of. This may be the case if you actively broke the marriage up but not if you came on the scene much later.

It is much easier to retain your own name. 5toocool if you did take on the married name, had kids and then divorced, keeping your married name esp when dealing with school, doctors, travelling etc is much, much simpler.

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 12/08/2014 23:18

OP I agree with you. I have been with my DH for 22 years and his ex wife (who he was with for 7 years) still calls herself Mrs DH. DH was her 3rd husband and I think she couldn't be bothered to change her name again.

My children and I are double barrelled so have different names from their Dad (my DH). It is a pain, particularly when filling in forms. In the past it has been very confusing. The school would become muddled and talk to me as if I was the mother of my Stepchildren. It was very embarrasing at times as it was usually in response to heated issues the ex wanted to discuss and nothing to do with me.

I don't like receiving letters addressed to me and DH where we have different surnames, particularly from school.

If I had chosen to have left someone I would not want their name either.

everydayaschoolday · 12/08/2014 23:32

I'm in this position. I have no problem with it. I cannot change history - I am the second wife and name-change/don't name-change, whatever, will not change the fact that DH had a wife before me. I feel no lesser a person for being the second wife, and no less valued for sharing the surname of his first wife. This sounds like a bigger issue than just a name.

My MIL and SIL are Mrs Everyday as well. That too, surprisingly, does not bother me!

deakymom · 12/08/2014 23:33

my husbands ex has no children by him but gets a perverse pleasure by being called mrs x till the solicitor pointed out she is no longer married and is technically a ms she would insist all letters were addressed to him with her full name whereas his replies were all your former husband it was the battle of the titles at one point

life is too short either take his name or have people forever believe she is his wife not you

everydayaschoolday · 12/08/2014 23:41

AnyFucker said it much better than I. Note to self: Must read all of thread before commenting

WhatTheFork · 12/08/2014 23:44

In this day and age it makes no odds.

One couple I know in a similar boat, he changed his name to hers.

YellowTulips · 12/08/2014 23:45

Personally I would not take my position based on his ex.

Remove this from the dilemma.

Would you take his name or not?

My first marriage I kept my maiden name, but we didn't have children - in hindsight I think it had a lot to do with how I felt about the relationship in general - though at the time I cited the fact my forename is unusual as was ex's surname so "I'd spend my life explaining and spelling my full name".

My second, I did take DH's name because I really felt it was right and wanted kids - which happened a year later - and I wanted us all to have the same name.

TBH I would have double barrelled or meshed but DH and my surnames would (in any combo) have been silly.

Upshot is do what feels right. Remember his ex might change her name in the future.

Also no reason not to keep your own name for now and revise in the future.

zipzap · 13/08/2014 00:01

I know someone who like you didn't want to become the 2nd Mrs xxx - not least as she shared the same first name as the first Mrs xxx so using first and second or ex and current really was the only way to differentiate...

They solved it thus: the dh changed his name by deed poll the day before the wedding to remove his surname so his middle name became his surname. Luckily it was one of those names that works as either. Then when they got married they read his new name out and his wife took his new name as her new name. Bit of a shock for those present at the registry office by all accounts as they did it as a surprise and hadn't announced it in advance - not that it was anybody else there's business what they decided to call themselves. however apparently his father was absolutely aghast and almost ruined the wedding as he took it as a personal affront to him and his family name. (sorry, no sympathy for the father at all, separate thread, but he doesn't deserve any!)

I also know somebody who was the second Mrs YYY. There is now a third Mrs YYY. They all work in the same sort of field and area so often get mixed up at work. Luckily they are all able to joke about it but it must be a nightmare if they didn't or they weren't able to be civilised!

diddl · 13/08/2014 07:25

"till the solicitor pointed out she is no longer married and is technically a ms"

How does that work then?

If she is legally married, her legal title is Mrs X, unless she changes back to her name before marriagemor chooses Miss or Ms Somethingelse?

backbystealth · 13/08/2014 07:33

My mother has kept my dad's surname for the last 25 years since their divorce - my stepmother has the same name and has done for 23 years.

Yabu

This is life with divorce/remarriage/kids involved.

Good god there are so many other really important consideration and challenges without being precious about this.

No I haven't read the whole thread. Life's too short

Simplesusan · 13/08/2014 08:06

Keep your name if it feels right.

As an aside I don't agree that a divorced woman should be ms- total bollocks.

coalscuttle · 13/08/2014 10:33

Deakymom, what rubbish! "Technically a ms"?! If she is no longer married then she is divorced, but most certainly still a mrs.

squoosh · 13/08/2014 10:35

'If you are a family you are Mr and Mrs, or Mr and Mr, or Mrs and Mrs - if titles grate then don't use them - be Elizabeth Windsor. Just don't faff around pretending you don't care.'

What a load of old rubbish. 'Ms' is a title dimwit.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 13/08/2014 10:36

Keep your name
Problem solved
This whole issue makes me feel icky. It's like being 'mrs X' is a marker of status and you're pissed off that people won't know you got the prize not her. Or you think she's wearing the wrong label. Just be you and keep your name.

squoosh · 13/08/2014 10:36

I know a woman who was married for approx 3 years, divorced at around 30 years of age, no kids. Still kept his name. I find that really strange.

Bouttimeforwine · 13/08/2014 10:57

I know a woman who was married for approx 3 years, divorced at around 30 years of age, no kids. Still kept his name. I find that really strange.

Maybe she likes it better than her maiden name I certainly wouldn't want to go back to my old common one maybe she can't be bothered to do the paperwork, maybe she can't be doing with the palaver of getting everyone used to another name change, maybe she's just used to it, it's her name and she bears no ill will or feelings either way about her ex.

DH's ex was about 30, had no kids and still kept his name. I didn't even think about it. It was her name then and it's a nice one and now. Why should I care? It's just a name.

Get over yourself op.

VodkaJelly · 13/08/2014 11:26

It wasnt until I joined Mumsnet that I found out that people consider it a crime to keep your married surname after divorce, and now it is a crime to call yourself Mrs after divorce.

I have been divorced for 15 years and I kept my married name, purely because I am lazy and really couldnt be arsed to change my name. For no other reason. I dont give a shit if my exh fiancee hates the fact I still call myself Mrs X, I really dont.

When I married my exh i was actually his second wife, his first marriage was brief and they had no kids, I dont know if she kept the name or not, we had no contact with her (I met him when he was in the middle of the divorce, the seperation was nothing to do with me) and it never once entered my head to be worried if she was still using it.

RonaldMcDonald · 13/08/2014 11:35

I think all women should keep their own name, especially given the nature of marriage today

Stratter5 · 13/08/2014 13:14

I have kept my married name. I kept it because it's my childrens' name, because I want to have the same name as them, and because I have every right to.

Unless it's a remarkably unusual name, you will be one of many thousands of Mrs X's, stop being so bloody precious. Why shouldn't she keep the name?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread