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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To throw a cup of tea at the floor (my DH feet) after telling me I didn't do anything during my MAT leave

138 replies

Lieveke77 · 11/08/2014 23:00

I'm fuming fuming fuming I have done nothing but nappies, laundry, cleaning, ironing and all the rest of it... Not to mention that when MIL was over 2 weeks pp I was cleaning, feeding and ironing all day while they just sat on the couch and chatted. 2 more weeks and MAT leave is over TG!!! I think (wish I could) just do nothing from now on...

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 14/08/2014 19:48

TheRealAmandaClarke
"I bet op thinks she was in the wrong to throw the cup (true) but that her DP, deep down thinks what he said was true. Why else say it? Very insulting, demeaning and shitty thing to say to the mother of your child."

Why this way round?

Why is the OP the one that knows she was wrong but is honest in her apology? Why are you portraying the DP as someone that hasn't honestly apologised?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/08/2014 21:35

Because the view that a woman on maternity leave is lounging about spending her husband's money in costa coffee while he slogs away to keep the family is commonly held and contributes to the domination of women by belittling the contribution made by mothers.
Because he said she had not done anything while on mat leave. That came from him. She threw the cup of tea in response to this, not because she or anyone else believes that throwing cups of tea is a good thing to do.
I don't doubt he is sorry for saying what he said. He might well be a wonderful man. But that doesn't mean he doesn't believe she's had an easy ride of it while he has been working hard.
Given the number of men i hear saying similar things and the number of women who tell me they are upset about this very issue, i think the Op is more likely to believe she was in the wrong for her actions than he is to not believe what he said.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/08/2014 21:44

"She threw the cup of tea in response to this"

So we are back to justifying a violent response, as for the rest it is your opinion.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/08/2014 22:05

No. It doesn't justify it.
It just means that he has a view/ opinion about what she does at home and he voiced it.
She was upset by that and threw the tea.
So i think its more likely, given the other issues i mentioned, that he holds a belief that women on ml have it easy than she believes that it was reasonable to throw the tea.

And of course its just my opinion. That is what i was offering, given the nature of the forum.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/08/2014 22:07

Although the points about what ppl say about mothering and ml etc. no that is not just my opinion. That is a commonly held opinion that ppl speak of.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/08/2014 22:08

Anyway. I only elaborated because you asked me a direct question.

mathanxiety · 14/08/2014 22:48

More on the subject of the framework in which abuse occurs in relationships:

  • It is very likely to begin during pregnancy and in the early days of parenting.
  • It starts with a testing of the waters, by way of a remark or a put down. The abuser tries to see what he can get away with. Overwhelmingly, it is 'he' who is the abuser.
Aradia · 14/08/2014 22:48

Oh ffs some of you get a fucking grip will you! Do you have ANY idea what actually constitutes an abusive relationship? Did the OP throw the tea in an attempt to gain power and control over her DH? Does she belittle and frighten him? Did her actions cause him to feel intimidated or afraid of her? Does she believe that she is superior to him and that his needs are less important than hers? Does she say hurtful things that are designed to damage her DH's self esteem? Etc etc etc Hmm

Maybe actually find out what an abusive relationship actually IS before wading in with all the 'poor menz' bollocks on this thread. Tip - it's more than throwing a cup of tea in a tired hormonal haze when someone says something that is incredibly insulting that implies that what you do is meaningless or of lesser importance.

Throwing tea - obviously not the best course of action. That does NOT make it fucking abusive!

mathanxiety · 14/08/2014 22:49

I agree with your points TheRealAmandaClarke.

mathanxiety · 14/08/2014 22:50

And with everything you said Aradia.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/08/2014 23:09

I haven't said that she was abusive, those that keep bringing it up are those that are defending and excusing her actions.

Aradia

I haven't defended his actions, I haven't called either abusive, I have said that the excuses/reasons people have made for the violent actions are reminiscent of those that are abusive.

"Maybe actually find out what an abusive relationship actually IS before wading in with all the 'poor menz' bollocks on this thread"

been there survived it. As for "poor menz" that really says all most posters need to know.

TheRealAmandaClarke

"That is a commonly held opinion that ppl speak of."

So its an opinion.

ADHDNoodles · 15/08/2014 00:02

Do you have ANY idea what actually constitutes an abusive relationship?

You're asking MN this? You really should know better by now. Grin

Problem with comparing reasons people give to excuse abusive relationships is that it can be applied to anything trivial.

"I didn't mean to spill the milk"
"It was just a little milk"
"If the milk wasn't there, I wouldn't have spilt it"
"I'm sorry, I won't do it again"

People minimize and make excuses for mistakes all the time. Excuses in and of themselves are just that. That's why abusers are so insidious, they use the same excuses that they would use on something trivial to make their abuse look trivial.

Therefore trying to draw a comparison between an excuse that can be used on just about anything to claim people are being abuse apologists is rather disingenuous. You need to look at the action and the intent behind it.

There was no abusive intent behind throwing a mug. There was no abusive intent behind the DP insulting the OP. It was an immature tiff. No more, no less.

Fairenuff · 15/08/2014 10:20

Does she belittle and frighten him? Did her actions cause him to feel intimidated or afraid of her? Does she believe that she is superior to him and that his needs are less important than hers? Does she say hurtful things that are designed to damage her DH's self esteem

Well, to be fair we don't really know, based on what the OP has said, whether she said hurtful things before she threw the cup, or on other occasions. And of course it is possible for a man to feel intimidated or afraid of a woman but, again, we can't know how he felt at the time.

And whilst I get the point about how he must really hold those views or else he wouldn't have said them in the first place, equally OP must hold the view that throwing something at him in anger, although unreasonable, is something that she is entitled to do. There is no way on earth I would throw anything at anyone in anger because it wouldn't enter my head to do so, any more than it would to hit or kick them.

I might want to but adults have to learn restraint. Would she do that to someone else? What if her boss or a stranger on the street really pissed her off when she was tired and hormonal? I think OP really needs to find a different way to deal with her anger.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/08/2014 10:26

ADHDNoodles and others

A quick bullet point list

I do not think that this was abusive.
I do not think that he was abusive.
I do not think that she was abusive.

What I would really like to know is
how/why posters can accept, excuse and justify an act of violence?

CultureSucksDownWords · 15/08/2014 10:45

I would also like to point out to the OP that my DP and I have never had any "fireworks" after 12 years plus of being together. I think that this is normal and completely achievable. I don't think that it is inevitable and usual to get to the point of shouting matches and throwing things. Even if it is only once or twice a year.

YWBU to throw things to make your point, no matter how unreasonable what he was saying to you was.

hoobypickypicky · 15/08/2014 11:09

Man throws cup of tea = abusive
Woman throws cup of tea = understandable

Hmm

One of these days I'll post this scenario in reverse and prove how many double standards there are on MN.

For my part, if anyone threw cups of tea in my house, regardless of whether it was at my feet, head or at the wall, they'd be leaving with no further discussion necessary.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 15/08/2014 11:34

One of these days I'll post this scenario in reverse and prove how many double standards there are on MN

YY to the double standards and inconsistent arguments. On MN the consensus is that maternity leave and SAHP is for childcare and that looking after young children is a (more than) full time job and any menother adults in the house must do a share of housework/cooking etc.

However, on this thread, there were lots of posters saying that it was reasonable to combine working from home with looking after young DCs. Hmm

RonaldMcDonald · 15/08/2014 15:47

I am asking this not to be facetious...odd that I have to caveat that

Who asks men if they are being abused during pregnancy?

I know that I was asked but no one ever asked my H

The statistics that we quote about domestic abuse during pregnancy are populated from the questions asked of women during that period.
Perhaps just as many men put up with periods of abuse and with frightening explosive violent incidents

Ponders

mathanxiety · 15/08/2014 16:02

So women are wrong then, Hoobypicky, abuse is something we are far too sensitive about, and we judge men unfairly?

In my house, my biggest regret is that I let exH get away with the sort of statement this woman's husband made, because he was testing the water with his put downs, and it was the start of bigger things. I let things pass because I thought talking reasonably to someone who would make a blatantly irrational and insulting and patently untrue accusation like that against me was the way to go.

mathanxiety · 15/08/2014 16:05

Weeping into my cup of tea here at the plight of the poor menz and what they have to put up with in silence, Ronald, while their pregnant wives get away with their heinous wickedness.

itsnormalforbridgwater · 15/08/2014 16:17

YABU.... You should throw a frying pan at him as well. Kidding.

RonaldMcDonald · 15/08/2014 17:56

math

I have no idea why you feel the need to be deliberately rude or baiting

Men are victims of domestic abuse. I am offended by what you have said and the way in which you have minimised what they go through

YouTheCat · 15/08/2014 18:03

Math, my situation sounds like it started in a similar way to yours.

Tbh if someone had suggested that my throwing a mug was abusive towards my ex after all the shite I endured for years, I think it would have made me question whether I was the one who was so awful and needed to change. It was bad enough anyway without that kind of crap.

We don't know exactly the OP's circumstances, though the fact that they've both apologised is good. What if she's at the start of the kind of journey that Math and I have been on? Some people on this thread need to look at how they word things and what might be behind a post.

RonaldMcDonald · 15/08/2014 18:04

What if he is at the start of what you and math went on?

YouTheCat · 15/08/2014 18:10

Tbh he is the one who sat on his bum for 2 weeks with his mother and was no help when the OP had a small baby. He is the one who told the OP she did nothing on her ML.

OP threw a mug.

We will never know unless the OP comes back but there probably isn't any more for her to say and it has been dealt with.