To throw a cup of tea at the floor (my DH feet) after telling me I didn't do anything during my MAT leave

[Lieveke77]

I'm fuming fuming fuming I have done nothing but nappies, laundry, cleaning, ironing and all the rest of it... Not to mention that when MIL was over 2 weeks pp I was cleaning, feeding and ironing all day while they just sat on the couch and chatted. 2 more weeks and MAT leave is over TG!!! I think (wish I could) just do nothing from now on...

Throwing things in the house is violence , not a good environment for a child however provoked you were.

Verbal abuse of your wife is horrible for a child to have to live with too.

math

We don't know if it was "abuse" we do know that the OP threw an object at her partner.

I'm glad it worked out and your DH apologised - he had certainly done something wrong and has put it right.

I'm going to have to challenge what you say about fireworks though. I think you are brushing something off with that comment. Not all relationships have confrontations of this type. There will always be disagreements - yes. But things thrown in anger? Nope.

If what she did constituted abuse then what he said did too.

Tbh that was something my exh would often say to me when I'd been at home all day with twins. And I mean often as in almost every day.

As a one off neither are abuse.

We know he said something that was completely hurtful and couldn't have been meant any other way, Boney.

Herein lies the value of paternity leave. It's almost impossible for anyone to understand how much work goes into running a house and raising a family, until they do it themselves for a while. Hence the deep guilt/thanks we feel to our own parents when we become parents ourselves.

YABU to throw tea at your husband...but YANBU to leave him with the baby for a full day ;)

math

I shall now repeat your (and others) point, Its not abuse if its a one off (paraphrased) or are you changing your POV?

But his actions do not justify hers.

There is no such thing as a relationship where there is no 'firework' once or twice a year.

Yes there is. Me and DH have never gotten to this point in 8 years of living together because we communicate and talk about problems as they arise instead of bottling them up.

There are plenty who don't have huge blow ups like this. The only people I've seen with explosive fights like this are dysfunctional relationships.

There's a lack of respect for each other on both ends. Him for what he said, you for throwing things at him.

The only fireworks couples should have, are in the bedroom. And it should be more than once or twice a year.

I'm glad you and your husband made up, but if this is a regular occurrence and it obviously is at once or twice a year (though I suspect you're minimizing so it's likely more), you might want to both look into better communication and problem solving skills.

You owe it to your child to give them a good home life. You don't want them on the stately homes thread in 20 years or so when they become parents themselves.

Our two ds's are 2 years 3 months apart. With ds2, dh took 2 weeks paternity, I took extended maternity leave so was off for 15 months.

Ds's are now 4 and 6, and it's a lovely gap, fairly easy to 'manage'. But the first few months was a nightmare with a newborn and toddler. I did all the nightfeeds (out of necessity as bf, but still) and dh was out of the house 8-8 for 5 days a week. I was pretty much zombified with trying to do it all. He always pulled his weight on weekends, but experienced no where near the same as I did.

I always thought he recognised this until a few weeks back. Friends of ours are expecting number 2 imminently, with the sameish gap. He came out with 'No you'll be fine! It wasn't really that hard was it, past the first few days?' [looks at me]. Then continues (to female friend who works for same company as me) 'See if you can do what Emerald did and put all your holidays on the end. She was off for over a year, had a lovely little break!' [looks at me indulgently]

I thought at first he was just glossing over it for friends sake, then I realised the cheeky fucker was actually serious! We talked about it that night and he was genuinely baffled, he seemed to think maternity leave was all daytime telly, cups of tea and strolls to the park. He has a completely different memory to me of the first few months after ds2 was born. All I think of is endless nappy changes of two babies, vomit, poo, no sleep and night feeds, purees and being on my feet for 20 hours out of 24. He remembers the cuddles in the sofa for ten minutes when he got home from work! How sweet

Boney, you're being obtuse.

No, throwing something in temper isn't the most mature way of dealing with something like this. Much better to have made a list of all she was doing/coping with and then made him eat it .I don't think she planned it. I doubt she even aimed well. And I wouldn't call it abuse as a one off incident. I wouldn't call his comment abuse either unless he makes a habit of belittling his dp.

I threw a mug (my favourite one) at my ex once after much vile abuse from him. He laughed in my face and left me to deal with 2 teething babies and buggered off to get drunk. I don't think he was abused in that situation.

youthecat

I haven't posted that either is abuse, I have posted that he was wrong and she was wrong. I have posted that he was a dick and that she had a violent reaction.

I have posted in response to other posters that the excuses that are being made by posters are the same excuses that abusive people make for their actions.

Both the OP and her DP have apologised and made up because the realise that they should take responsibility for their actions, but some posters are adamant that one action should absolve the other of responsibility.

It IMO doesn't.

It may not absolve her from responsibility but I can completely understand where she was coming from when she did it.

It's not like it was premeditated.

You are not my boss

You are not my boss

You are not my boss

Repeat until message gets through

Abuse really?! No one was hurt, nor was the action meant to hurt anyone.

But it absolutely could have done. I'm just amazed you can't see that.

I'm glad he's accepted he was wrong and apologised.

I think you should do the same but as you came back to try to minimise/justify your actions, I won't hold my breath.

The last time I saw someone throw a cup at the floor, it bounced up and bruised someone's shin.

The action wasn't intended to hurt, but it clearly did.

Sorry I see you have apologised.

But I still think you're trying to minimise/justify your actions.

Cat

and I doubt that his was either.

But on this thread there seems to be a sense of anyone that says she was violent is also saying that she is abusive.

Yes posters can see where she was coming from but it doesn't make her response right, some posters are also (IMO) pushing for all of the blame to be pushed on to the DH. Yes he was wrong, yes what he said hurt, but when the same points are made in his defence it is being obtuse. Why?

I don't think anything needs defending, not in this case anyway. They have both apologised.

I have no idea how much mat leave the OP took and how far post partum she is, but it seems to me if the baby is under a year old and she has been run ragged dealing with the house including entertaining his mother while she and H sat on the couch being waited upon, and the never ending feeding and nappies and the sleepless nights that a baby brings, then maybe there is an element of pnd to the response?

Throwing a cup of tea in this way in this context is not abusive.
That is really a ridiculous thing to say and shows a total disregard for and ignorance of the framework in which abusive relationships occur.

Besides, You should have taken a jack hammer to the back of his slumbering head

Isn't throwing objects (according to the MN majority) meant to lead inevitably to domestic violence? Isn't it cause to immediately call the police and LTB? Or is that only when the man is doing the throwing?

Personally it sounds like a silly domestic squabble. OP, what your partner said was insensitive but would have been better dealt with by using choice words, or leaving him for a weekend with the baby.

YABU for throwing, YANBU to give him a piece of your mind.

"Personally it sounds like a silly domestic squabble."

I think that this is exactly it, but a "line has been crossed" ( to coin a popular MN phrase) and its a shame that so many posters don't appear to see this or are ignoring it.

Too right a line was crossed.
He is lucky shes still talking to him.

well ignored Amanda,
Lets ignore an act of violence.
Lets justify and minimise it.
At least if she had stopped talking to him she would still have the higher ground.

Meh. Sardonic humour.

It was not a good thing to do. I assume (??) the baby wasn't in the room?

But his comments were beyond thoughtless. I would be enormously fucked off if i were her.
I bet op thinks she was in the wrong to throw the cup (true) but that her DP, deep down thinks what he said was true. Why else say it? Very insulting, demeaning and shitty thing to say to the mother of your child.