To throw a cup of tea at the floor (my DH feet) after telling me I didn't do anything during my MAT leave

[Lieveke77]

I'm fuming fuming fuming I have done nothing but nappies, laundry, cleaning, ironing and all the rest of it... Not to mention that when MIL was over 2 weeks pp I was cleaning, feeding and ironing all day while they just sat on the couch and chatted. 2 more weeks and MAT leave is over TG!!! I think (wish I could) just do nothing from now on...

To veer back, my DH wouldn't have dared say this to me, as he took over the second part of the shared parental leave. Gave him useful perspective - particular considering DS finally started to nap reliably at 7 months and DH had an extra 2 hours a day to get things done.

He agrees that the parent at home often has the tougher job.

For heaven's sake.

I repeat: we know no background or context. If the OP comes back and says OK, she has in the past felt overwhelming anger at her DH for something trivial, or she has found herself throwing things or raising her hand to him, or anything similar, then I will change my opinion.

Until then I cannot see this as part of a bigger picture of abuse. I really don't think that's a scandalous or stupid opinion to hold.

I can imagine a relationship and a life in which there have been no previous cases of violence/abuse, and in which there will in future be none, where in one moment, if one member of the couple is exhausted, and overworked, and quite possibly over-emotional due to post-baby hormones, and has had their work consistently taken for granted, a comment like the one the DH makes here would make that person feel angry and upset enough to throw a small item at the floor and to the DH's feet.

Heck, I can imagine that happening with me and my DP, in circumstances like the one the OP describes, and I can assure you that there is no lurking violence, or abuse in our relationship.

At the moment I'm much more fucked off with the OP's DH for his comment and his attitude than I am with her reaction.

I hope that's clear and exhaustive (and boring) enough for you, because frankly I've now bored myself with trying to explain my position.

onlyLovers

I haven't said that she was an abuser, nor have I said that your opinion is "scandalous or stupid opinion to hold."

I (originally) just said that violence is never the answer and that is the opinion that I will hold to.

Boney, that's rather disingenuous. Your comment ''Think about where you have seen this excuse before' heavily implies that you think there is abuse here; it is, as we both know, a classic excuse used by abusers.

Your next post ('How many times has this been used in an apology?') also heavily implies this; the conversation you sketch in this post is a kind of template of a conversation between abuser and abused.

I myself said violence was never the answer (or rather, I said no one, including myself, was saying that violence was the answer, which you seemed to be saying they were). We do not disagree on that.

My point and my opinion (which does not make me an apologist for abuse) is that, going on the account of the incident we have at the moment, which is all we can go on without starting to leap to assumptions, the OP's DH behaved badly in taking her and her hard work for granted, and she responded in a way of which she is not proud, but which (again in the absence of any further context), I can and do find understandable.

Right, I have really bored myself now so I'm hiding the thread.

OnlyLovers

"Your comment ''Think about where you have seen this excuse before' heavily implies that you think there is abuse here; it is, as we both know, a classic excuse used by abusers.

Your next post ('How many times has this been used in an apology?') also heavily implies this; the conversation you sketch in this post is a kind of template of a conversation between abuser and abused."

Both of these where use to illustrate that your posts have been used as excuses.

"I myself said violence was never the answer (or rather, I said no one, including myself, was saying that violence was the answer, which you seemed to be saying they were). We do not disagree on that."

Several posters have advocated throwing plates and chopping balls off or going much further.

"My point and my opinion (which does not make me an apologist for abuse) is that, going on the account of the incident we have at the moment, which is all we can go on without starting to leap to assumptions, the OP's DH behaved badly in taking her and her hard work for granted, and she responded in a way of which she is not proud, but which (again in the absence of any further context), I can and do find understandable."

I have never called you an apologist for abuse, I have posted that the OP's DH was a dick, I also think that she crossed a boundary when she threw something at him, I have never said that she was an abuser.
You are the one reading this in to my posts.

Why would anyone have to ask if they were being unreasonable to throw a cup of tea at someone's feet?

Of course it's unreasonable!

I'm afraid you'd be out on your arse until you learned how to communicate in a civilised manner if you'd thrown a cup of tea at me!

What's next? Waving a knife in his face to make a point, how about a little slap to make sure he's listening...

YABU

Throwing something at another person (even their feet) is a deliberate act of aggression. It is a violent act that also has impact as a threat of what more the person might be capable of.

I have sympathy for the OP in terms of what her partner said - it's crappy and is be livid. But this response isn't OK.

Anyone seen Boyhood? How about the scene when the glass is thrown at dinner. There is no intention to hurt anyone. It's terrifying though and absolutely an act of aggression.

Something can be unreasonable but at the same time understandable.

I think it's important to distinguish between a general pattern and a one off. If there's a general pattern of the OP responding with violent gestures (two or more incidents = a pattern in my book) then there is something to worry about. Gestures add up and an abusive pattern is established.

OTOH, if this isn't the first time the H has said something to the effect that the OP answers to him (hence his assumption that he has a right to pass judgement on her performance at home on mat leave) or that he is somehow The Boss in this relationship, then that is something to worry about.

I think it is worth remembering that the ultimate aim of abuse is to make a victim believe they have no options.

"OTOH, if this isn't the first time the H has said something to the effect that the OP answers to him (hence his assumption that he has a right to pass judgement on her performance at home on mat leave) or that he is somehow The Boss in this relationship, then that is something to worry about."

As we are going down that route, know we have the assumption that the DH may be abusive?

NoTeaAtMe, I completely agree with your post

But did you really name change just to say that?

Not that it's any of my business of course...just curious

I think we are well along the route to the accusation that the OP is abusive. Why not consider all the possible angles, that being the case?

I think OP has run away...

In what circumstances is it ever OK to throw something at your partner ?

Have been reading all your responses some of them in 'slight amazement' ... Abuse really?! No one was hurt, nor was the action meant to hurt anyone. Nobody ever hurts anyone in our house hold. We yelled at each other for a while than made up and both apologised and no DH will never think about saying something like that to me EVER again. DH came home with flowers the next day. There is no such thing as a relationship where there is no 'firework' once or twice a year. You must be able to tell each other what you think and feel. And ok the cup of warm tea breaking was probably not the most mature action but it certainly made a point. And no I don't do this on a regular basis ie this was a one off. DH knows he was absolutely wrong to say and think such a thing plus he is also fully aware now that there is nothing that makes me more angry than the assumption that I don't do anything during Mat leave and being pregnant and bringing a child in the world is 'a walk in the park'! Anyway thanks for all your comments it has been insightful:)

I can tell my DH what I feel or think without resorting to throwing cups at him like the majority on MN I would imagine

Still, you got what you wanted so it's ok in your mind.

I am sure the next time a women posts that her husband through something at her, the replies will be to apologise to him unreservedly and bring him flowers.

Fireworks? OP it's not normal for an adult to throw something at another in anger, you need to learn some restraint so that this doesn't happen again.

still trying to justify violence, nice.

Is there a parallel thread started by the husband asking if he was unreasonable to tell his wife she didn't do anything during maternity leave?

What possible motivation could a spouse have for saying something like that?

I reckon there's a parallel universe, never mind a parallel thread.

I am very happy to hear your update OP and glad your H has apologised to you.

Seriously though, what motivation could someone have for saying something like that? And what response was he hoping for from his wife -- an apology for sitting on her (sore) arse while recovering from the physical equivalent of running a marathon and at the same time being deprived of the opportunity to get a decent sleep at night?

Because the universe where that's acceptable, justifiable, or in any deserving of a respectful response is indeed parallel.

If OP has been on mat leave runnning herself ragged while partner (and his mum?) have made no contribution then I'm not surprised she snapped after being told she had 'done nothing'

No, throwing tea is not 'reasonable' but in the circumstances I can completely understand why it happened.

That's what I thought too, math.

Not that it's a good thing to fling crockery about terribly messy but his comment was pretty bloody awful to start with.