To throw a cup of tea at the floor (my DH feet) after telling me I didn't do anything during my MAT leave

[Lieveke77]

I'm fuming fuming fuming I have done nothing but nappies, laundry, cleaning, ironing and all the rest of it... Not to mention that when MIL was over 2 weeks pp I was cleaning, feeding and ironing all day while they just sat on the couch and chatted. 2 more weeks and MAT leave is over TG!!! I think (wish I could) just do nothing from now on...

I sympathise op. My dh thinks I sit on my arse all day too. Really looking forward to the conference I have to go to. Think I may extend it a day.
I think the problem for me is that as soon as you do one load of laundry another is made. Same with washing up, vacuuming etc.
Add childcare on top.

Sometimes it is a harder job though. The days can be looooong.

my maternity leave is almost over and I am due to g back to my (fairly hard and tiring job - more so that DH's, not that he would have that) and I feel terrified abut how all the 'nothing' I do will get done. Being off on maternity leave meant i took over most of the house hold jobs and am not sure that will be quite so easy yo reverse...

Last year I went away for 3 days with DC3 (then 8mo).
DH was left at home with a 6yo and a 3yo.
When came back, the house was tidy and the surfaces clean, and he has been using it ever since to tell me "see, it's easy - nothing gets done because you sit on your arse all day".

Except that he didn't have the high needs, breastfed baby.
That he didn't do a single load of laundry or any ironing. Or cleaned the bathroom or the loo.
And that our homeschooled DCs didn't do a single exercise.

But he cannot see the difference.

I can't believe how little respect some partners have for their other halves! If DH told me that I sit on my arse all day (even if this were true, which sometimes on mat leave it may have been) it would cause a serious argument because that's just incredibly rude and disrespectful. And he knows this, so we keep the dialogue to a constructive level and try to recognise each other's contributions.

Sanity and Eva have good advice I think. The most hands on Dad I ever met had taken two months of his wife's 12 month mat leave. There was a rare level of harmony and job sharing [of household responsibilities] when they were both back at work

YABU

You might need to do some work on learning to control your anger.

Speak to you partner, do not act in an abusive way

OP what happened immediately after you threw the cup? How did he react, what did you do?

As you are doing nothing at all, I would suggest to leave him with the baby and go away on your own.
Then come back and ask him if he enjoyed his holiday with the baby.

Going away for a few days won't necessarily illustrate the point, because it is perfectly possible to do little or no cleaning for a few days without the house becoming obviously dirty.

Similarly, cooking can be done at a much more basic level, or not at all and takeaways eaten instead.

Even childcare can be much less intense/hands on if you want it to be.

Unless he is given a list of tasks to work though and actually does them, he may still think doing 'everything' at home is quick and easy.

Can you imagine the response on here, if someone came on and posted that their dh/dp had thrown a cup of tea towards them, it landing at their feet?

Can't believe how many people seem to think it's OK that the OP has done this, whatever it was that her dh said.

Your right BackforGood there would be a resounding LTB I think.

I think the response would be proportionate to and in the context of what was done to provoke the tea-throwing, TBH.

Daisy, are you from Stepford?

OP, it's simple. Make him do a day or two in your shoes: nappies, laundry, cleaning, ironing, everything you do plus looking after the baby. Then remind him of his use of the word 'nothing' and see if his perspective has changed.

There's always (at least) one person on these threads who claims they can clean their house from top to bottom and simultaneously bake 60 cakes in an hour.

I like to think of them as liars.

Running a house, keeping it properly clean, and looking after at least one baby or small child is hard work! And no, most DPs don't get it until they've had to experience it...

I don't think it matters what was said, it's very wrong to throw a filled cup at another person. Can you imagine if the OP made a comment re him not working hard enough and he threw it at her, can't imagine anybody saying she deserved it.

I would say that I'm amazed at the flippancy of the remarks and attitudes not to mention the victim-blaming, but I am no longer amazed after viewing previous threads like this. Clearly throwing anything at/near someone is a massive no-no/potential deal breaker.

Well, she threw it to the floor at his feet, which I wouldn't interpret as an attempt to burn or injure him. Throwing it in his face would be different, obviously.

I'm not saying it's right to throw a cup to the floor, but if I were tired from looking after a baby, and possibly hormonal, and even more tired from housekeeping for my DP, and he accused me of doing nothing, I can imagine feeling strongly enough about it to do the same.

It doesn't necessarily mean the OP has ongoing anger issues or a deeper problem than simply being exhausted, and feeling that her work was unappreciated and taken for granted.

Your right BackforGood there would be a resounding LTB I think.

Yeah, but MN loves to do the LTB bandwagon over any mistake without looking at the bigger picture.

It's just tea. It didn't hit him. You can clean it up.

I think I'd be tempted to throw something too if DH claimed I did no work at home while watching baby DD all day.

Not a mature response, but I would venture to say we've all done something stupid we weren't proud of when we lost our tempers. If this sort of problem solving is the norm, you might want to consider anger management or therapy. You don't want to raise a child in that sort of unstable home environment.

In any case, if you're this overwhelmed that you're too frustrated for words, it's time to take a break. Leave the baby with him. Get out for a day, even if it's just going down to your parents or a friends house to vent and get away.

I feel your pain, OP. I am prone to outbursts like this, under provocation. The trouble is that it isn't a good thing to throw cups of tea - but I think you know that. Unfortunately it makes it into a thing about you having thrown the tea and detracts from the conversation about how he undervalues you. Good luck with that though - I've yet to get a man to value me by asking him to value me. This is very complicated and calls for a long hard look at how you communicate, how you manage your feelings and whether your DH sufficiently values you.

I know ADHDNoodles I didn't say they would be right to say it.

The tea could have been stone cold and the DH wearing steel toe capped boots or the tea could have been boiling hot and him barefoot, or something in between.We don't know.
There is a difference between throwing something at the floor in a rage and throwing something at someone, their feet, head or anywhere else in a rage.
I think this should be a wake up call for both OP and her husband.

I feel your pain, OP. I am prone to outbursts like this, under provocation. The trouble is that it isn't a good thing to throw cups of tea - but I think you know that. Unfortunately it makes it into a thing about you having thrown the tea and detracts from the conversation about how he undervalues you. Good luck with that though - I've yet to get a man to value me by asking him to value me. This is very complicated and calls for a long hard look at how you communicate, how you manage your feelings and whether your DH sufficiently values you.

Ha may have been a dick, but violence is never the answer.

Can't say that I am shocked that so many posters think that it is.

I'm not sure anyone thinks that violence is actually the answer . More like a violent response coming out of provocation.

Seeing as we don't know whether or not the OP has ongoing anger issues and/or a volatile relationship with her DH in which she has previously aggressive towards him, I'm viewing it as a one-off, until or unless anything else comes to light.

OnlyLovers

"More like a violent response coming out of provocation."

Think about where you have seen this excuse before.

Boney, thank you for the patronising suggestion.

The pertinent words in my post were 'a one-off'.

Man or woman, I would not see one incident of throwing a cup at the floor at someone's feet as anything other than an extreme and isolated reaction in extreme and isolated circumstances, UNLESS I knew that there was a context/background.

Believe me, I would join the chorus of disapproval at the OP if there were anything else about her post that suggested bigger anger or abuse issues.

"Onlylovers*

Not Patronising at all.

"The pertinent words in my post were 'a one-off'."

How many times has this been used in an apology?
i.e. "I won't do it again it was just a one off"
Or an apology for the aggressor "s/he won't do it again it was a one off"

Its normally followed by

"but it wouldn't have happened if you/s/he hadn't provoked me"