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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To throw a cup of tea at the floor (my DH feet) after telling me I didn't do anything during my MAT leave

138 replies

Lieveke77 · 11/08/2014 23:00

I'm fuming fuming fuming I have done nothing but nappies, laundry, cleaning, ironing and all the rest of it... Not to mention that when MIL was over 2 weeks pp I was cleaning, feeding and ironing all day while they just sat on the couch and chatted. 2 more weeks and MAT leave is over TG!!! I think (wish I could) just do nothing from now on...

OP posts:
TheTerribleBaroness · 11/08/2014 23:03

YABU because now you'll have to clean it up.
Stop doing anything for your husband. And stop cleaning. Three days should do it. He'll start noticing.

cazzybabs · 11/08/2014 23:06

oh my husband is the same.... yestereday he moaned I hadn't put the dishwasher on...when he rarely has the dc the house is in a far worse state! I now just ignore it.

wheresthebeach · 11/08/2014 23:06

And leave him with baby as well. Maybe this weekend take yourself off for the day and treat yourself to some pampering. Leave him to shop for food, cook, clean up, look after baby etc etc for the day. Leave the fridge EMPTY so he has to go out. Then discuss the concept of 'nothing'. Oh and make sure you haven't done any laundry either...

DifferentNow · 11/08/2014 23:09

They don't get it. No matter how many different ways you try and explain it to him, he won't get it.

iK8 · 11/08/2014 23:17

Yabu. You should have thrown it at the fucker's head. Then buggered off and left him for a day to see the reality of life at home with a baby.

VeryLittleGravitasIndeed · 11/08/2014 23:24

I wouldn't engage in the discussion to be honest. I'd go with the "how dare you" line of defence, also known as the "don't tell me what to do as if I'm your minion" approach. He's not in charge.

OohQuack · 11/08/2014 23:40

My dp wouldn't have dared say That, he'd of had his balls chopped offend slapped round hisface. 9m later after being the one to look after ds while I work and on his days off he finally realises how hard everything is. Good luck.

BackforGood · 11/08/2014 23:57

Of course YABU. Throwing a drink on the floor is hardly a mature response.
If you've just recently had your baby, then combination of hormones and exhaustion might be an excuse, but you both really need to have a look at how you communicate with each other.

fawltydoge · 12/08/2014 07:47

YABU. lost the high ground there!

mathanxiety · 12/08/2014 07:58

I think throwing the cup on the floor leaves him in no doubt exactly what she thinks of his remark, so a nice bit of highly effective communication right there.

He is the one who needs to come to his senses and adopt a better standard of dealing with the mother of his child.
The first words out of his mouth, heartfelt and sincere and with every intention of never having to say them ever again should be: 'I am sorry from the bottom of my heart for being a huge tit and disparaging the enormous effort you have been putting in ever since the baby was born. What can I do to make up for the incredibly hurtful thing I said?'

That would be excellent communication.

DownByTheRiverside · 12/08/2014 07:59

Was he shocked by your response? Did he realise what a thoughtless arese he was being?
Would making a long list of everything you do in a day and stapling it to his groin help him understand more clearly?

SanityClause · 12/08/2014 08:10

Once he's cleaned up the tea, and swept up the pieces of cup, I think you should say, now that I'm going back to work, I think we need to plan how all this "nothing" is going to be done in the future.

Sit down with him and make a list of all the "nothing" you have been doing, and work out how it can be evenly shared out, now that you will both be working full time. Keep the list for future reference.

Eva50 · 12/08/2014 08:14

He needs to take a weeks holiday so that he can relax and do "nothing" for your first week back at work. If he keeps a wee eye on the baby and does all the nothing you normally do he will be nice and fresh when you come in..

You can tire yourself out doing what he normally does. It will be nice for you to have a couple of drinks with your friends after work or a haircut or massage on the way home and roll in as he puts dinner on the table. Perhaps you could have the weekend away with friends so that he can have a weekend of doing nothing too.

Otherwise, stop doing nothing and just do your own thing. He will soon notice.

mindthegap79 · 12/08/2014 08:31

It depends really. If it was a cup of strong tea, or perhaps Earl Grey (with just a dash of milk) then YABU. If however there was any sugar in it then no, YANBU to chuck it on the floor.

And hell yes, he should clean it up. What a rude, ignorant tit.

DaisyFlowerChain · 12/08/2014 08:36

If my spouse threw a hot drink onto the floor aimed towards me he'd be sleeping elsewhere until he could control his temper.

Unless your house is enormous, then household jobs don't take that long to do each day. DH had to work during my maternity as there was no shared leave but I had the far easier job as could do what I liked each day with no deadlines, manager etc.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 12/08/2014 08:40

YABU if you hurt him but otherwise, what a knob end he's being.

Just stop doing anything that's not looking after the baby and you, he obviously doesn't appreciate anything you're doing for him so it'll be not loss to him if you stop.
I give him 3 days and you'll have a new model DH :)

ouryve · 12/08/2014 08:49

Aren't you the hero, then Daisy? Hmm

OP, yes, throwing your cup on the floor was unreasonable, but I understand why you feel pushed that far if your DH is showing so little respect for you and minimising the importance of what you actually do.

You need to have a serious, non crockery hurling, conversation with him about what things need to look like from now on (ie not just him appreciating your role is as valid as his, but pulling his weight when he's around, particularly if baby is having a needy phase), before it really does descend irreversibly into resentment.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 12/08/2014 08:56

I've posted this before but I found it really worked.
Write down everything you do that is housework/baby related from waking up to going to bed. Everything. Include when he gets up and goes to bed as well.
Put it in a handy flow chart form: every nappy change and feed, what you cleaned, when you managed to eat etc, then hand it to him at the end of the day and ask him which bit of 'nothing' he has issues with.
I did this to DH once, a long time ago when he was being an arse and it worked.

AllHailTheBigPurpleOne · 12/08/2014 08:57

Yanbu.
I'd have followed it up with a few plates for good measure.
And stopped doing his washing, ironing etc. If i was accused of doing nothing then that's what I would do.

But then I have a nasty temper.

AllHailTheBigPurpleOne · 12/08/2014 08:57

Yanbu.
I'd have followed it up with a few plates for good measure.
And stopped doing his washing, ironing etc. If i was accused of doing nothing then that's what I would do.

But then I have a nasty temper.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 09:01

Think SanityClause has it.

Make that jobs list to split for when you go back to work.

whatever5 · 12/08/2014 09:07

YANBU but the problem is that although he probably won't tell you you are doing nothing in the future, he will still think it (to himself). He will only see the light when/if he has a "nice relaxing break" at home with your baby while you go away somewhere.

VeryLittleGravitasIndeed · 12/08/2014 09:09

Daisy it's not about who has the harder job, it's about mutual respect and valuing all contributions to the family. In OP's case she isn't getting that respect.

deakymom · 12/08/2014 09:15

they never get it anyway just twist it to being your fault again i refused to wash my husbands clothing once as he snarled at me i was doing nothing he then had to wear dirty clothing to his job he couldn't buy any more as i had hidden the cash cards and claimed i had no cash Grin he apologised first

possibly the only argument i ever won and he even tried to get his mom to do the washing for him she came waddling in full of determination to find me in a sparkling house and ironed clothing she told me he said i "couldn't cope" with the housework and the children i told her i coped fine but i was not putting up with her son giving me shit just because he had a job he did nothing around the house nothing to help with the kids and could wash dry and iron his own clothes from now on she demanded to know where (the clothes) were i showed her my empty washing baskets and said damned if i know he never puts them in the basket! she waddled off

Notso · 12/08/2014 09:29

You need to get him to take over for a few days. DH only 'got' it when I went away to my sisters for two nights.
I had a migraine on Sunday so DH got up with the DC, did the dishes he forgot to do on Saturday night, got the kids fed and out, prepped all the veg for dinner, made lunch took DC to a party then washed up after the roast. He came in with a cup of tea after doing the pots in the evening and said "bloody hell notso, how do you manage to get out the kitchen everyday?"