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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

571 replies

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:07

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 11/08/2014 21:23

If he kicks off remind him that HE is the one who says HE wants to spend more time with his daughter and its time for him to put his money where his mouth is.

Itsfab · 11/08/2014 22:01

Please let us know after you have spoken to him that you are okay. No need to post what has happened, just that you are okay and preferably at your mother's with your baby.

Whereisegg · 11/08/2014 22:03

Oh yes, please just let us know that you're ok when you can.
I keep refreshing, I'm worried.

scottishmummy · 11/08/2014 22:15

Ok couple issues

  1. Tell him straight,ease up with the wisecracks youre upsetting me
  2. He must pay maintenance.non-negotiable.you need to be mature and accept he has 2kids
  3. No dna test.no way
4 i dont think this about your dd appearance,i think there are underlying issues
Darkesteyes · 11/08/2014 22:18

scottish HE is the one who needs to accept he has two kids.

Boomerwang · 11/08/2014 22:19

I'm dying to see if you actually go through with it. It's hard to watch, but you've had so much good advice here. I know what it's like because I've had my own threads about my dp and even after overwhelming calls to LTB I still haven't done so, but I did take the advice of those who didn't think it would all work out for the best if I left him.

I personally think if you go through with this last part you'll have a hell of a fall out over it and everybody will blame you. Hold fast for yourself and your daughter. If he truly doesn't care enough about her it will show, and it's better to have a completely committed mother she can talk to and share her time with than a fragmented family, in my opinion.

Boomerwang · 11/08/2014 22:22

I also know what it's like to struggle with yourself over another person's child. You know she's just a kid, you know she's only acting a certain way because she's been shaped that way so far, but your mind still wants to 'attack' because she's right there at that time. It's been two years for me with the child I have in mind and I still cannot warm to her, despite having easily identified that it's not her I have the real problem with, it's the way she's been brought up.

scottishmummy · 11/08/2014 22:22

Op knew when they got together that he had a daughter,the father must pay maintenance
He sounds boorish and insensitive
And a quick mover to have two kids 5 and under by different women

LittleBearPad · 11/08/2014 22:24

Boomerwang she has a completely committed mother. She will have one regardless of whether her parents are together. Staying with this man on these terms isn't going to be good for the OP. She's treated as a babysitter not as this man's partner.

Darkesteyes · 11/08/2014 22:26

Perhaps the OP assumed that as he had a daughter he would actually act like a father scottish.
And if you read the thread properly a PP poster said that the rules on maintenance have changed when care is 50/50 and OP has the eldest child more than 50% of the time.

scottishmummy · 11/08/2014 22:30

I have read the thread.she got together knowing hed a child,and financial responsibility
His behaviour to his partner and dd is appalling.it needs addressed
I feel sad for step daughter,absent dad,his new girlfriend resents her doesnt bode well

Pico2 · 11/08/2014 22:47

She did get together with him knowing that he had another child. She didn't know that the child would be left in her care as much as it is, while the maintenance he provides isn't spent on the child. Was she really to expect that she would have to clothe her DSD out of her own pocket and pay for all of her holiday activities?

I don't think that the OP resents the maintenance, so much as that the maintenance is not being spent on the DSD. I know that maintenance has to cover things like rent and heating, so you can't expect it to all appear as clothes on the child. But this seems to be beyond a joke.

AnyFucker · 11/08/2014 22:52

I think it is unfair to expect a 21 yo to be able to predict just how shitty this bloke has turned out to be. I am sure Op had very romantic ideas of how this lovely blended family was going to be and the harsh relaity has crept up on her somewhat.

I am a jaded old bag, but I at least do kinda remember how it felt to be young, in love and foolish and almost wilfully overlooking warning signs because I hoped things would get better

Now I know they don't, they just get worse

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 11/08/2014 23:14

I'm fine!! We've had a talk, can't go into length but he's gotten very upset - not angry just upset at how I was feeling about things.

I walked into this with my eyes open. I knew he had another child I didn't know I would be the main carer for this child. I didn't think any decent person would jut expect this so you can't fault me for that.

The extortionate maintenance obviously isn't being spend on DSD. That makes me mad as there's no excuse for her to be in tight clothes or to wear shoes with holes in!!? T

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 11/08/2014 23:27

So what's happening this weekend? Are you still having to look after his daughter or will you do anything you planned.

Will he stop with the cracks about the milkman?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 11/08/2014 23:47

Okay. He's been upset. You need to look carefully at his actions now to see whether he will actually change his behaviour.

Darkesteyes · 12/08/2014 00:06

Or whether his upset is just an act of emotional blackmail to shut you up.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/08/2014 00:57

Spundxlike he's got you refocused excactly where he wants it - firmly angered at the ex. He's smart.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2014 02:21

He is upset and you are even more incensed at the ex

Nice one

Darkesteyes · 12/08/2014 02:37

Hes putting it on as a little distraction and for emotional blackmail so it serves two purposes

Upset or not whats his excuse for leaving it all for you to do OP His actions do NOT match his words.

doziedoozie · 12/08/2014 06:39

Will you be back on MN in a couple of years asking how to LTB when you have no money and nowhere to go?

Whereisegg · 12/08/2014 07:13

He got upset, but what is he doing?

Is dsd still staying til next Wednesday with you as her main carer without being asked?
Is he still paying over the odds for dsd while she lives with you, and you and dd go without?
Is he still going to crack jokes about you having slept with the milkman?
Will he be arranging his days off today?
Will he be calling the csa?
When will he start treating his dc the same?

What has his being upset finally achieved?
I really hope it's not that you ended up comforting him and agreeing to have dsd as he is just in such a hard position.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/08/2014 07:30

I am not going to tell you what to do.
But i agree with pp that he is being manipulative.
He has managed to divert your attention from him and his unacceptable treatment of you, to his ex.
He may well be upset, but my guess is that he is frightened that his arrangement (which involves treating you like shit) is threatened by your demands for change. In this situation tears are not much different from shouting/ anger/ threats; all designed to exert and maintain control.
You might find Women's Aid helpful.
Brew

Chippednailvarnish · 12/08/2014 07:35

He's treating you like a doormat and you are letting him...

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 08:12

Tell you what op he's good at what he does isn't he?

He's got you, his ex, and his dds nicely quarrelling amongst themselves and all feeling neglected and used.

Granted his ex sounds flaky but do you a truly know exactly how much maintenance he pays her? You don't have. Cess to his account do you?

Does he offer to have dsd so much as he knows it makes his ex look bad to you and then you end up doing all the caring anyway but to outsiders he looks like a loving dad.

Does he secretly tell his mates he's not sure if he is your dds father as he makes so many comments About this which also makes him the good guy to stay with you but makes you look dodgy.

He plays his dds off against each other.

Does he tell his ex you criticise her parenting?

You see I think he has all the women in his life just where he wants them.

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