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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

571 replies

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:07

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 12/08/2014 08:28

He lends you money after you have spent yours looking after his daughter?

I think you need to draw a line, and tell him he is taking the piss. And then on top of all the crap to accuse you of having an affair.

You need to sit him down and tell him how it is going to be. And that includes not paying maintenance if she is with you guys 50/50. And before he arranges for her to come, if he isn't looking after her, he needs to check that you are ok to look after her.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 08:34

I am not convinced he pays his ex as much maintenance as he claims to be honest.

I think he's a huge liar.

IDontDoIroning · 12/08/2014 08:51

As him if he really cares as much about his older dd as he says why after paying £60 per week she is wearing clothes that are too small and shoes with holes in them.

Itsfab · 12/08/2014 09:15

He's upset you aren't shutting up and putting up any more.

Best thing you could do is to get your stuff and take your baby to your mother's today. I know you won't leave him so it doesn't have to be forever but it does need to be long enough to get your point across and hopefully you will realise that you can manage without him, you don't need him and it is better for your baby not to be brought up by a wanker.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 12/08/2014 09:27

I've seen his bank statements. He pays out £240 per month to his ex. I know he isn't lying on that score as in the past I have had to hand the cheques to his ex when dropping off/picking up DSD. I know he isn't lying on that score.

To be fair he never mentioned his ex. I mentioned the maintenance and said I thought the fact that she was still expecting the money despite hardly having her was discusting! He that she needs money for uniforms etc which is fair enough but even so we can't feed her for free.

He doesn't have a bad word to say about his ex even though it is blatantly obvious that she's neglectful of her own DD and sees her as more of I burden. You see I don't want to get so resentful that DSD feels as though she is being a burden a none of this is her fault. It's a mixture of the way she's been bought up etc etc.

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 12/08/2014 09:31

And the other issues?

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 09:34

Ok understood but then he's putting his ex needs over yours.

I totally get you are fond of your dsd but at the end of the day you either stay where you are so put up/shut up or you decide you and dd are worth more and leave him.

You are catching the slack over your dsd but if you weren't there her own parents will step up and if not then social services will kick in.

This situation is toxic for your dd and you need to put her first.

doziedoozie · 12/08/2014 09:43

It's a mixture of the way she's been bought up etc etc

Yes, and the way she will be brought up in the future by her selfish parents, and you believe you can compensate for all this but it is probably more likely her behavior and treatment will get worse over the years as she costs more to keep and starts answering back. A difficult and demanding sibling for your ignored DD. But then that is your choice. It wouldn't be mine.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 09:45

Yep you need to put your own dd first.

That's your responsibility to her and you shouldn't let her down or be second best.

financialwizard · 12/08/2014 10:20

See my exh's partner and I used to be played like this until my exh told me something that got me so incensed that I called her fully expecting an argument over her treatment of my son. Making that call was the best thing I ever did. Both of us learnt a huge amount of information that day that made a whole lot of sense as to his behaviour. He lied over nearly 7 years to make sure that his current partner and I never spoke. Now the only discussions about contact, etc is between my exh's partner and I because neither if us trust him not to accuse one of us if one thing or the other.

financialwizard · 12/08/2014 10:21

and btw he will never change. You do need to LTB because otherwise your dd will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2014 10:38

So, what's the plan then ?

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 12/08/2014 12:13

I totally agree with everyone who's said you either need to put up or shut up because I can't see anything changing for the better.

This is not a happy situation, you're not being shown any respect whatsoever and you're not a team parenting your child together.
What on earth do you get out of this relationship? what positive things I mean? What are this man's good points because I'm struggling to understand why you'd be with him to be honest.
I certainly wouldn't want to live like this and would be making plans for a different life for me and my DD.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/08/2014 13:17

Yes, i think its all the ex's fault. Hmm

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/08/2014 13:21

And whatever you want to happen, you will end up resenting your DSD. And that will be to her detriment, and to your DD.

Itsfab · 12/08/2014 13:28

This is very similar to the car situation thread. Maybe you should read that one.

pinkpotatoe · 12/08/2014 13:59

My children all had/have blonde curly hair and blue eyes.

Im half Italian and dark hair dark eyes and olive skin. Dh has dark brown hair.

I often look like the foreign nanny out with my kids :)

I often joke that they swapped mine at birth because they don't look anything like me.

But its a joke and everyone knows that. Of course there my babies. But I completely understand how upset you must feel.

I wouldn't like it one bit if my dh did this. His parents always say they look nothing like my dh (wish ful thinking on there part)

As my eldest has grown he is getting darker.

Darkesteyes · 12/08/2014 15:37

If i were you OP i would be speaking to Social Services anyway because neither of DSDs parents give a shit, Its as clear as day.

He is taking the piss. And "lending" you money after you have spent yours on his child IS financial abuse.

And what i think is that the reason he is humiliating you in public with these "milkman jokes" is just in case you DO have the sense to leave. Hes laying the ground work so he can say to people "see i never thought she (DD) was mine." And then he can stall paying Child Support.

These bastards are so transparent.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 15:40

financialwizard very interesting, could well have parallels here.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 12/08/2014 16:31

Sorry I haven't replied. I've been particularly busy today. Taken both DC for their dentist appointments and dentist said that DSDs top milk teeth are rotting!

We don't feed kids sweets ad lib they are an occasional treat and we don't let them have fruit juices or cola pop either.

There has been many an occasion where DSD has come back to us from her mums with cartons of orange juice. Her mum was told last year about the state of DSDs teeth.
Grrrrrrrrr

Anyway DP has promised me that he's going to make much more of an effort with DD. He said that he does more with DSD and gives her more attention because she's older and more vocal which makes a bit of sense.
He said that he knows DD is his and he's never doubted it he just says it because he feels like people must be looking at her and thinking 'she looks nothing like her dad' so he makes a joke out of it.

I've told him that it humiliates me and DD and this is his last warning as he sounds like a complete prick when he says it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 12/08/2014 16:33

I've always seen DPs ex regularly as I often drop her off and pick her up and she is a twat.

She has whined at me before chuntering that DP should be paying more maintainence. We've had some ding dongs and I've got her weighed yp

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/08/2014 16:35

So, he's taking time off work to care for dsd while you do the things you had planned to do. Or he's making other arrangements, yes ?

Darkesteyes · 12/08/2014 16:40

Why am i not surprised you are doing the drop offs and pick ups as well. Angry

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 16:58

Words are cheap. See how he acts op.

Itsfab · 12/08/2014 17:14

What does he actual do with his eldest child?

Giving her more because she is more vocal = a very spoilt child and a very unhappy baby.

You are so going to stay with him and your life will be like this -

hassle and moaning from the ex
Bullying and abuse from your boyfriend
Attitude and demands from his eldest child
Neglected baby
Empty bank account

No one seriously looks at a child and registers they look nothing like the father and actually thinks anything of it so he is a twat.