To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

[Mummytoagorgeouschops]

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

Well it's a very tangled web - with your DM and Dex childminding while you work. And do you feel happy leaving DD with DP when you work, does he complain about broken nights and tiredness because if he doesn't is he getting up to her at all?

And if the Dex is now 30 miles away obviously DsD should be at a school near her as DSD's DF works and isn't around to look after her.

And 50:50 care for DSD is surely the norm, you seem to be having her 5 days of the week, crazy.

You sound very young OP or perhaps you wouldn't have agreed to this setup. Get some books to read up on step parenting, or just look online at how things should be as this is a mess.

Your money should be pooled for housekeeping food etc. You shouldn't be looking after DSD if her mother is around (or is she working?). DSD should be spending time with her DF rather than you. No point wearing yourself out providing for DSD, this will not help in the long run, her parents need to step up but won't if you do it.

Perhaps a relationship counselor can untangle all this, if you can afford it.

I thought that under new rules, 50/50 care meant no maintenance?

He's an arse and you need to call him on it and his ex-wife too.

I would stop buying your DSD clothes. Her mum or dad can buy them. I know you feel sorry for her but both of them will continue to use you if you carry on going above and beyond.

I'm sorry but I can't see her dressed in the Scruffs she comes here in, I just can't. She send her in trainers last week which had a massive hole in the bottom and its only when a NAIL stuck in her foot and we had to go to A&E that we realised there was a hole bigger than a 2pence piece on the bottom!

His ex doesn't work so there's no reason she can look after. She'd been complaining to DP that she gets no 'free time' anymore.

Surely when you become a mother you kind of give up your right to free time lookin after your child shouldn't feel like a chore, it should be something she enjoys and wants to do! I know thu all push us and test is for various reasons but its so rewarding most of the time

I completely agree, money shouldn't be crossing hands anywhere!!

So what are you going to do?

I just don't know :(

Get a DNA test done. Send the results to him copying in everyone and then move in with your mum?

I can see that it is hard for you to have time to talk to your partner if he's at work or upstairs with dsd every evening.

Would your dm sit one evening so you can talk?
You have said you have nowhere to go if you left, but he doesn't know that.

You must absolutely lay out your issues and that you consider each one of them to be serious enough to end the relationship.

-His repeated 'jokes' about dds parentage.
-You being used as unpaid childcare long term without being asked.
-Paying over the odds to the ex, he goes through csa, with full disclosure about how much she's at yours.
-The different ways he treats his children.

Do some sums on how much you have spent of your own money for dsd, how much childcare would cost him without you, how much maintenance he will be giving you if he doesn't change.

*and point these figures out to him.

You're obviously deeply unhappy and you need to tell DP it's the case. Set out what needs to change or else you're off.

DP and I don't pool our money either. We were on roughly the same until now as I'm on maternity leave. It's not financial abuse to not hand over money. It is if you can't afford to feed/clothe yourself when your DP is living the life of Riley. It doesn't sound as if that's the case.

Personally, I'd be asking DP to either gain residence of his DD or at least joint residence. That would eliminate the maintenance and you have her the majority if the time anyway.

Wrt treating the children differently, maybe it's just as she's older? In my experience, men much prefer older children they can kick a ball round with, converse with etc than a toddler or baby that gives little back IYSWIM. Things will in likelihood change over time but if it's really getting to you, tell him it's a dealbreaker unless he steps up his efforts with your DD.

I think when you become a step parent you take the worlds most unrewarded job. You have the responsibilities, sacrifices etc of a parent and a lot less of the affection, control and other aspects. However, it's a job you signed up for. You aren't an unpaid childminder, you're her stepmum (even if not in name). I'm sure if you came on here saying you don't want to be involved with her you'd have been told you knew he had kids when you got together and to suck it up.

You say about him sleeping in her bed, babyfying her and how you wouldn't do that with your DD. That's a difference of parenting style and one of those things you don't get to dictate in the thankless stepmum role.

Do you love him? Does he have redeeming features? If yes, work on it, talk, find a compromise you're both happy with.

If you don't. Why are you still there?

I've bought these point up with him in the past and all he does is get very defensive and say that he feels guilty because he and DSDs mum split up when she was tiny and she doesn't have a proper family. He says he doesn't fuss over DD much as he doesn't want DSD to feel pushed out.
He also accuses me of calling him a shit father and says I want to see my daughter as much as I can.

Regarding the childminding an cost etc he would tell me not to be so ridiculous as I am lookin after DD anyway

Well then you can either leave or stay knowing that nothing will change

Could you just leave for a week or two, and let him take care of his DD by himself? I think you should just leave permanently.

Mummytoagorgeouschops Mon 11-Aug-14 14:44:33
I'm sorry but I can't see her dressed in the Scruffs she comes here in, I just can't. She send her in trainers last week which had a massive hole in the bottom and its only when a NAIL stuck in her foot and we had to go to A&E that we realised there was a hole bigger than a 2pence piece on the bottom!

Jesus wept

OP, I truly believe that you and your daughter are best off out of the whole situation

This man is shit

If and when you leave him (and if you are not quite at that point right now, if he carries on like this it will be only a matter of time) then he will have two broken relationships containing children behind him

Did he learn nothing from his previous mistakes ?

Stop carrying him. Seriously.

Are you the poster whose car your partner was using to drive miles to collect his child from his ex?

You can not waste your life with this prick. You need to call your mum and ask her if you can stay with her for a bit. Let him look after his older child on his own and get a reality check.

And he IS a shit father. Treating his baby's mother like shit and denying his child his love and respect = bad father imo.

Poor you :( what stands out to me most of all in this is that you have told him all of these things before and he carries on regardless. He doesn't seem to value you or your opinions, or care about how you feel. How many times do you have to talk to him about a problem before he takes notice, five, twenty, never?

But why are you paying for the new clothes, shoes etc. Why isn't he?

Why is he letting his ex get away with this too. I don't get it. If he feels so guilty/loves his elder daughter so much why doesn't he tell her mother to pull up her socks.

What size shoe does your SD take?

No itsfab but I do remember the seeing the post. I have been on here for quite a while but never really posted until recently.

I've just completed an application form for a home care worker. Fingers crossed

She takes a small size 10

I have looked but don't have any size 10 child's shoes. Would have liked to have helped.

I think you said you were 21 op?

Pack your things and your dd and go to stay at your moms.

Get financial advice,it's out there got free and start living for you and dd.

Possibly because of your age you feel responsible for fixing this. If you were older you might realize that you can't fix the probs with DP's ex, your poor DSD, your DP.

You can fix your own probs though.

Yet he is happy to push your dd out so dad doesn't feel pushed out... Hmm, yes because that's being a good parent isn't it!