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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

571 replies

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:07

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/08/2014 20:37

Well i just wondered what his "official position" on it was tbh.

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 20:40

I find it gobsmackingly awful that he hasnt even asked about the little girl he has with you OP He really has no idea how lucky he is Sad

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 13/08/2014 20:45

It just shows his selfish he is

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 13/08/2014 20:48

Mummygorgeouschops,please no need to apologise you've got enough on your plate.you're very gracious
Its a fluid and changing situation.pivotal will be ensure good diet and dental hygiene
If the girl presents at school, inadequately clothed,poor dental health it will become issue

Difficult conversations need to be had.The 5yo child has needs that are unmet
Your partner is verbally unkind to you and often absents himself.that need to stop
Id at all possible the 3 adults need to get a plan

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 21:00

scottish The OP has already told you that she is doing all she can at her end. Shame the actual parents arent Including the father.

scottishmummy · 13/08/2014 21:23

Op,is clearly stating the unfolding situation.it needs no paraphrasing or summary

Cheeky76890 · 14/08/2014 06:32

Scottish mummy why haven't you raised the subject of DSDs mum taking on responsibilities? Another poster was right when she said something about OP doing the lions share while both parents don't take responsibility.

scottishmummy · 14/08/2014 06:34

Keep up
Why havent you read my posts.

doziedoozie · 14/08/2014 06:57

But scottishmummy your aim, from your posts, is for OP to stay in the relationship and sort out the other adults.

IMv that isn't real life, she can do everything for her DD and DSD including using her earnings to clothe them both, what she can't do is change the personalities of two other adults.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/08/2014 07:02

dozie you cannot have been reading the same thread as me if you think scottish has been advising the op to stay and sort it out.
Have a read back and check.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 14/08/2014 07:30

She's pin pointing what needs to change if I were to stay in this relationship.

She's also saying that both DCs need equal and adequate care and attention of both parents.

There's no way I could sort both DP and his ex out. DP is willing to have DSD but can't without me, unless his mother decides she wants to look after her but that's very unlikely. DSDs mum really values her 'free time'. She gets a lot of free time, funnily enough she still hasn't got a job though.
(She said she would get one when DSD started school, that was a year ago and still no job!'

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 14/08/2014 07:49

She's pin pointing what needs to change if I were to stay in this relationship.

Yes, SM is doing this very clearly, but my worry is that what needs to change is beyond your remit and capabilities.

Bouttimeforwine · 14/08/2014 08:35

Do you think he only wants you because that is the only way he can see and have dsd stay over so much? If she were not on the scene, would you actually have a good relationship with him, or even any relationship? Would you be together still?

It seems to me that he doesn't want you, just your childminding abilities. I do hope I am wrong.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 14/08/2014 08:53

IDK. I do know that neither he or her mother are particularly capable parents. Funnily enough I've just remembered a conversation I was having with DSD over breakfast. DP was absent.
She has porridge for breakfast if she's here with banana. She always takes ages to eat this small bowl of porridge - I think over an hour some mornings but she eats it so that's the main thing. Anyway I just mentioned to he that I hoped she ate a little faster when she has school in the morning. She replied 'I don't eat breakfast at mummy's house - I have a packet of crisps instead.' She then went in to describe her packed lunch 'I have a ham sandwich, a bag of crisps, a mars bar and chocolate roll.' I asked her of she had any fruit and she said 'mummy says I won't eat it so she doesn't pack me any.'

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 14/08/2014 10:11

Has he bothered to ask about his youngest dd yet?

Cheeky76890 · 14/08/2014 10:20

Sounds like they might struggle to turn her diet around to sort her teeth out.

How are you feeling this morning? Have you heard anything from him?

Darkesteyes · 14/08/2014 15:05

." DP is willing to have DSD but can't without me, unless his mother decides she wants to look after her but that's very unlikely"

So is he basically saying he is unwilling to do the hands on care? Because it seems to me that he sees childcare as womens work!

I realise he has to work but there are many NRPs in the same position who are single and living alone and working and THEY have to do the childcare on access days.

So him using "cant" is a load of crap.

Darkesteyes · 14/08/2014 15:06

Yes Has he asked about his youngest little girl yet?

Darkesteyes · 14/08/2014 15:10

Agree with dozie. OP cant control what other adults do. And i would especially like to know how thats even possible when she is not even allowed to discipline a 5 year old child!

scottishmummy · 14/08/2014 19:45

He needs to meet with ex,plan good nutrition,adequate clothing,and parenting strategy
It needs to be consistent,and break the poor established habits
And with good diet,routine likely she'll be better behaved,concentrate well

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 14/08/2014 20:38

Agree with you there scottish. He still hasn't asked about DD. I'm not going to mention it but I will mention it eventually just to remind him that its obvious he doesn't give a shit.

She's had her jabs today as well and he knew about that. SIL has been in touch to ask how I am and said that DSD is at grand parents as DP is too busy and her mum 'has things go

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 14/08/2014 20:40

Her mum has 'things going on'

That poor child is being passed from pillar to post, being treated as though she is DPs 'property', being fed shit at her mums and not being taught basic life skills

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/08/2014 20:48

It's a real shame, but you cannot make up for how shit other people are.

wheresthebeach · 14/08/2014 20:51

Hmmmm....wonder what will happen if grandparents step in and offer to look after DSD on a regular basis??

Sorry you're going through this Mummy. Being a step mum without the right to discipline is a miserable existence.They soon figure out they can walk all over you I'm afraid.

Whereisegg · 14/08/2014 21:02

What are you going to do op? Sad