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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

571 replies

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:07

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 13:35

Bitchy ......check.

Unkind .......check.

Hang on though theres one missing. Now which is it.........ah yes
aggressive. Thats what women usually get called when pointing out sexism Of which there is a lot of on this thread!

Itsfab · 13/08/2014 13:39

What are you doing today, OP? Are you staying away longer? I think the longer you can stay at your friend's the better. The DSD may have been crying for you last night but that just shows you area more than a parent to her than her own or else he is making it up to try and control you. I am sure you know which is correct.

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 13:54

Agree with itsfab.

The childs own father needs to learn about responsibility and what caring for HIS OWN CHILD actually entails.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 13/08/2014 13:58

the OP is being used as an unpaid childminder with no authority

This.

The OP is expected by her partner to rearrange her plans so that she can actually parent DSD e.g. taking her to the dentist, replacing ill-fitting and worn clothes and shoes and she's also expected to partially finance these things too. She is being used as more than an unpaid childminder, but she has none of the benefits of a more personal relationship. If she tries to act in loco parentis e.g. correcting the little girl interrupting, then the OP is slapped back down.
That alone must be very frustrating let alone seeing her own DD slip down the paternal ranking when DSD is around.

I think any perceived resentment is because of the situation rather than the child herself albeit that the little girl might be challenging because she's not being fully supported at what's a difficult time in her life.
I feel for both DSD and the OP and think a break away is just the thing for now.

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 14:08

Unfortunately i think that if the OP is told by her partner that things will change i think they will just be empty promises and things will slip back to what they were.

I have a feeling the only thing that will make the biological parents buck their ideas up is a visit from Social Services.

I fully agree with the poster who said that the milkman comments are about him distancing himself from his DD. I think the younger child is not wanted by him quite frankly.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 14:19

OP, how's things with you today ?

scottishmummy · 13/08/2014 17:39

You are a family of 4, he is an absent dad,one shouldn't show preference

Op I get your stressed,undervalued,so of course I'll disregard the quips
In all this,there's a 5yo child,and your dd.its ghastly

The 5yo diet needs to be adequate,balanced,she need adequate clothing - that needs addressed or it'll be an issue picked up elsewhere eg school

The adult man is creating upset,and turmoil in two families
You are the step parent for as long as you're his girlfriend
That not to say you're doormat.but you have responsibility to both the girls as a significant adult

I hope it resolves to amicable,safe,consistent parenting
If not,carefully consider your options

Regards the other posters piling in.i dismissed or.dodnt dwell on inane sniping

Good luck

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 13/08/2014 17:51

Sorry Scottish. I was rude and unkind I totally get what your say

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 13/08/2014 17:58

Sorry Scottish. I was rude and unkind I totally get what your saying though. DSD has a very balanced diet here. We don't eat any junk and the kids are only allowed water and milk as a drink.

I've been at work today and just got back to my friends house. She said that we could stay for as long as we need which is very good of her. Haven't spoken to DP much today but he's been texting/trying to ring etc. funnily enough he has never once mentioned our daughter or asked how she is. He just completely lacks the passion that he has for his eldest DD

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 13/08/2014 18:06
Sad
AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 18:11

That's it in a nutshell, OP Sad

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 13/08/2014 18:14

How sad for DD though. When she grows up and asks why her dad made such an effort with his eldest but hasn't made an effort with her.

:(

OP posts:
Itsfab · 13/08/2014 18:18

I have the opposite and as long as she has you she'll be fine. I had neither parent and I am relatively okay Confused.

Does he want his ex back? is all this bollocks to impress her?

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 18:19

Indeed. And that is why this situation is bad for you, but mostly bad for her

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 13/08/2014 18:21

I don't think he does as he left her in the first place. He's always been very keen on 'keeping her sweet' because he's scared that she will stop contact which she will never ever do because she's too bone idle to look after her anyway

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/08/2014 18:49

mummy you do t know how things will pan out
Give yourself some time and space. Your daughter has you. And you love her and you're a good mum. That is a blessing.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/08/2014 18:52

He might be trying to compensate for the DM's poor input.
He might feel guilty about leaving his dd's dm. That doesnt mean he will go back.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 13/08/2014 19:02

He said that he spent many unhappy years with her (he's a bit older than me) and they were on the verge of splitting up but then DH announced that he was 4 months pregnant so he decided to stand by her.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 13/08/2014 19:24

Seems like everyone is trying to control everyone else and there is two small children in the middle of it neither of which are getting what they need and deserve.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/08/2014 19:37

I dont understand all of it.
If dsd is so badly dressed/ cared for, why does he not buy her clothes etc?
If he favours her as you say, what does he make of her condition/ care?

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 13/08/2014 19:54

Because he expects me to take care of buying the children's clothes/food etc. it's her teeth I was more error about. She brushes them 2 times a day here but they are brown at the top and have huge gaps in them and dents where they have rotted. I have also noticed on occasion that she has bad breath

She relying on others to teach her how to take care of e self etc but apart from when I looked after her, she isn't being taught the basics by her own mother!!

DP upbringing wasnt the best and he is very hit and miss with brushing his own teeth. Before I met him, he was bathing once a week so terrible personal hygiene also. I soon changed that!! Yuck

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/08/2014 20:05

Oh. I misunderstood. I thought DSD was with you almost 50% of the time.

Anyway. Good luck.
Im off to try to get some work done [grump]

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 13/08/2014 20:32

She was with us 50/50 but now its the holidays we are having her more or less all of the time

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 20:36

Mummy the fact that he hasnt even asked about his youngest tells you all you need to know.

RealAmanda why would he buy things for DSD when he can guilt trip and financially abuse OP into doing it.

Im so sorry for the sniping OP But in the 90s my DNeice was in a similar position as your DSD. She is now 19 and it looks like she may have developed psychological problems as a result. I wish MN had been around in the mid to late 90s

However i stand by the fact that its the DSDs biological parents who need to get a grip.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/08/2014 20:36

He sounds like a catch though. Hmm