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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

571 replies

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:07

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 12/08/2014 23:44

Darkest I'm still taking you seriously, though I wouldn't have gone quite as far as you did with your last remark to scottishmummy

puntasticusername · 12/08/2014 23:45

Bah, totally missed the lightheartedness :p

Boomerwang · 12/08/2014 23:47

Do you need other posters to validate your comments, Darkesteyes?

Just for the record, this is the comment I was referring to:

You are coming across as a domestic abusers wet dream!

That was a fucking stupid thing to say.

Whereisegg · 12/08/2014 23:49

I thought it was quite apt.

The implication seems to be that op should try harder, complain less, and presumably, shit money.

Darkesteyes · 12/08/2014 23:55

Sorry Egg Thanks Thanks

Ok fair enough Boomer. But you shouldnt really be speaking for other posters by saying that none of them will take me seriously.

Darkesteyes · 12/08/2014 23:59

The implication seems to be that op should try harder, complain less, and presumably, shit money.

THIS exactly THIS is the attitude im fed up with too. I would have love to have known what certain posters would have said if the genders had been reversed.

We keep hearing that the OP chose to be with someone who already has a child and we keep hearing that ad infinitum.

But the two people who chose to have that child in the first place. .....nah not so much.

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 00:01

Its almost as if there is an agenda against stepmums. But no that couldnt be right could it!

Whereisegg · 13/08/2014 00:02

Course not, we all know what we're getting into.

EverythingCounts · 13/08/2014 00:14

How are you doing today OP?

Have just read the thread. I really hope you've left him to sort your DSD out today. If not then it's not too late. The option of going to stay at your gran's or mum's is definitely one to consider for the next few weeks. Sadly it seems that your partner has only taken notice of you when you've taken a drastic step, but you should go forward with that now as it'll be the way to improve things whatever the outcome.

Whatever's going on, if you update the thread you will get support. there are bound to be differences of opinion but there are lots of posters here saying you are fully justified in being upset and angry about all this.

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2014 00:35

Look im sorry if ive upset anyone on this thread This is something i find very emotive.

DB was "let off" a lot of responsibility with his DD so ive seen these attitudes firsthand and it is harmful.

doziedoozie · 13/08/2014 06:50

Times have changed, the parents are responsible for the DSD, not any random female who pops up in her life.

Fathers for justice etc are fighting this attitude constantly.

The parents are not caring for the DSD properly. At this early stage it is not the OP's place to fix this, she couldn't anyway without the parents cooperation.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/08/2014 07:21

I feel for mummy
From what she has to,d us her dp is treating her badly and he and his ex p is taking advantage of OP and not meeting the needs of their DD.

But there's nothing scottishmummy has said here (that ive seen) that is untrue or irrelevant. If mummy stays with her dp then the needs of the dsd will be as important as the dd. They ^will be a family and i agree that there is very likely to be (understandable yet unreasonable) resentment from mummy* towards her dsd.

Of course HE should be making changes. But he aint here is he. The points can only be addressed to the Op who seems to have directed her displeasure at the ex, the dsd and scottish

I think the "parrot -squawking-cracker" comments were unkind and uncalled for.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/08/2014 07:24

And "fathers for justice" and the contradictions therein do raise some anger in me for all the reasons that i would imagine dozie would consider.
Step parents have a difficult role.
But an important one. And nowhere near as difficult as step children.

HumblePieMonster · 13/08/2014 07:42

Read about half the thread and I'd had enough.
1 - your partner humiliates you
2 - you are resentful of his five year old daughter
3 - your daughter gets less attention from her father
4 - re sudocreme, I'd be glad of that
5 - get out, get your daughter out, call social services out.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/08/2014 07:48

Sudocreme?
But yy humblepie

Deckmyballs · 13/08/2014 08:11

I have 3 kids, 2 of them are each other's double and DH's spitting image, the other is so different! People always make reference to how different she is. This bugs me!!

KEGirlOnFire · 13/08/2014 08:16

I think being a nasty cow I would say, God I hope you're right and she is someone elses!! Wink

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 13/08/2014 09:00

Well I don't appreciate her posting in her over and over again basically repeating what she's already said. It's a bit patronising if I'm honest - her points were completely valid
I get that those are the attitudes I will come up against/have come up against.

DP texted me this morning to say that DSD was crying for me last night - an obvious 'pulling at my heart strings' attempt. Nursing a sore head this morning but I have a very happy DD and that's the most important thing

OP posts:
Whitenosugarplease · 13/08/2014 09:08

He was crying for you as he will have to sort out childcare today! Stay away for a few days and think things through. The relationship has to be in your terms and don't be dictated to by other people.

Bouttimeforwine · 13/08/2014 09:46

But there's nothing scottishmummy has said here (that ive seen) that is untrue or irrelevant. If mummy stays with her dp then the needs of the dsd will be as important as the dd. They ^will be a family and i agree that there is very likely to be (understandable yet unreasonable) resentment from mummy towards her dsd. Of course HE should be making changes. But he aint here is he. The points can only be addressed to the Op who seems to have directed her displeasure at the ex, the dsd and scottish. I think the "parrot -squawking-cracker" comments were unkind and uncalled for.*

I agree with the above. I have a lot of sympathy for the op and feel that she does need to change the situation as she is being taken for a mug and her dd is being short changed by her father by being treated unequally, however I don't like the bitchy comments to scottish who is taking the time to post and is actually sympathetic and has valid points.

Op. You should have an equal say in this relationship. The interests of both children should be paramount. If you are expected to care for dsd then you should have equal authority. Like wise dp should equally care for dd in exactly the same way as dsd.

Yes it seems that the majority of care will fall to you, as that is practical, but you need to feel appreciated, you shouldn't be out of pocket and the time you do this should be equally agreed and talked about- not demanded. If he wants the relationship to continue, he needs to respect you more, including cutting jokes that he has been told are not funny.

Treating the two girls differently would be a deal breaker for me - from either ops or DPs perspective.

Do what you need to op, to make this relationship equal and fair. A few days apart to make him realise that he can't dictate to you and treat dd differently, is probably a wise move. From what you have posted, I don't think you have shown any of your frustration, in your behaviour towards dsd. Good for you. You do need to sort out your relationship with dp so that you are both on the same page though.

Good luck.

doziedoozie · 13/08/2014 11:25

you should have equal authority

Hmm, touchy subject! This is absolutely not what many step parenting guides say, the DSD has two parents who have authority. The SM doesn't have equal authority.

doziedoozie · 13/08/2014 11:31

I hope you find the courage for a decent break from DP to sort out what you actually want, not what is best for DSD, or what is best for DP, or any guilting to make you feel you should go back to the previous status quo.

Many, many single DMs work full time, I have to take issue with the attitude from posters who feel the DP can shirk his duties because he is a man (I presume) and also that, as the DM is being a poor mother, you must take over her duties.

Wrong and asking for very long term unhappiness all round imv.

Bouttimeforwine · 13/08/2014 11:44

Ok I see what you mean about equal authority, especially when it is occasional contact, but a step parent shouldn't be in a position where she has to let a step child get away with things that are unreasonable. If that is the case, they should not be doing much of the care. It was not unreasonable to ask any child to stop interrupting, although there are good and bad ways if doing this.

You can't have it all ways. If a step parent is doing much of the care then they need to have the freedom to parent in their own way in day to day matters. Obviously bigger decisions are none of their business. If it is expected that they get no say whatsoever, then they should not be asked to do the caring. It is much like sending them to a childminders but saying the childminder has no right to discipline them in any way. It's never going to work.

The boundaries blur the more time a child spends with a step parent on their own.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/08/2014 12:39

Bouttimeforwine good posts.
Also, excellent username.

Whitenosugarplease · 13/08/2014 12:48

Yes excellent post. That may be the crux of the matter the OP is being used as an unpaid childminder with no authority. A thankless task.

Focus on your needs OP because if you are unhappy nobody will be happy (apart from partner and his ex)