To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

[Mummytoagorgeouschops]

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

Whereisegg i agree with your posts too. Theyve been spot on.

Ooh ooh ooh it's wine o'clock for OP! About fucking time

what darkesteyes and whereisegg said

I echo Egg, Darkest and Anyfucker as I have throughout :)

Echo echo echo them... I'm being the Greek chorus and repeating the important bits

Drink wine and remember who you are for a while, a lovely person trying to be the responsible and caring grown up in a dysfunctional situation.

Enjoy your wine.When you've all done high 5-ing.Think,reflect and decide what to do
Either this is fixable,in which case,great.or its insurmountable,unfortunate

Sorry, Scottishmummy I generally think your posts are very valid, but in this case, and probably because I'm in a similar situation but only with the 'other child' scenario, I'm with the OP. She's being taken for granted, and her dp is flapping his chicken head off over all the wrong things. Frankly, he doesn't know how to juggle his relationships, and why should he know how? I don't think I could do it either. I do definitely feel something for the DSD, she's 5 years old for christ's sake, she's reacting to her situation and it's a bit heart breaking, but OP took her on as a shared responsibility between herself AND dp, and his ex, but is taking the lion's share from both her dp and his ex, and she's not even hers!

If I sat down and really thought about it, however, I think I'd decide that the person who is still standing by me and supporting me should take priority. I do not mean to the detriment of the DSD, but definitely to the detriment of the ex.

Imagine, if OP removed herself and her daughter from him. He will have one daughter and an ex, and he will pay maintenance to a daughter he cannot look after, plus maintenance to a daughter who doesn't live at home. Two exes as well, so, what, a third woman starts up?

Soz for bad grammar, few beers and that.

Listen, please, OP, you are being taken massively for granted. Please keep the high ground, treat DSD as perfectly as you treat your own daughter, none of this is her fault. Try to see how you'd react if your own daughter was displaying this behaviour. You WOULD try to understand and figure out a solution. You resent the girl because she represents the shitty part of your life.

However, do NOT be a doormat any more. You've tried so damn hard to accommodate your dp's relationship with his daughter and his ex, and it is not your place. IMO you shouldn't take any responsibility over his DSD at least until he proves he could cope all by himself. If he can do that, then he's earnt his father's badge.

Keep the bond with your daughter strong, because if all else fails, you will still have each other.

Read my posts.carefully.
Im not disputing he's behaving abominably.his comments are crass
He needs to treat both daughters equally. Sort out adequate finances for activities
And im pointing out the obvious,this isn't just him,op,and baby.theres 4 to consider

Bollarks I meant two daughters and two exes.

Yes scottishmummy there are four to consider apart from dp, and they are not considered equally. Isn't that the problem?

Yes,its not looking great.two kids by two different women in 5years
Split from ex,and other woman choosing to be apart due to disagreements

Very much a problem of perception and treatment
Op resents watching his daughter.she feels he shows his older child preference
And the finances are all over the shop

...other woman choosing to stop living like a doormat. yep.

I reckon it's also harder to enforce one child's boundaries when the other has more relaxed ones.

OP needs to come together with her dp over this. They are not united at all.

Is this why there are so many single parent families? Being unable to agree on how to raise their child together?

From the posts I have read, the p admits to treating his daughters differently, firstly through guilt that his eldest has a split family and more recently says it's because the eldest is, well, the eldest.

I also haven't read that op resents spending time with dsd, but is told at the last minute that dsd is staying over a week longer than previously agreed and op will be doing the care despite having made plans.

Despite being dsd's 'carer' she is not allowed to discipline, or complain that her life is arranged behind her back.

Fuck that

Darkesteyes you said something really stupid there. Now anything you say won't be taken seriously.

Whereisegg I think you've summed up the most recent and demanding of the problems nicely.

The only change the op needs to make now, is her postcode.

She tried to discuss the childs teeth with him.

What is really meant by coming together is for the OP to switch the washing machine on and wipe noses like a good little stepmum and not voice an opinion.

Boomerwang Tue 12-Aug-14 23:29:50
Darkesteyes you said something really stupid there. Now anything you say won't be taken seriously

Can other posters please confirm whether i will be taken seriously please? Thankyou.

Darkest, tbh I'm not sure I can get past the random capital 'w' in your post, no.

I find the opinion that op needs to do more very sad, and very scary.

She posted after repeated pleas for her p to stop 'joking' that their dd isn't his.

Then follows a heartbreaking tale from a young woman that is used as unpaid childcare for weeks, without being asked, without sufficient funds to do the caring, and who is expected to treat the dc exactly the same until daddy walks back through the door.
At this point, op is expected to quietly entertain her dd while dsd gets all of daddys time and attention.

Any complaint about extra days or weeks are met with "but you'll be looking after dd anyway".

He has been begged to change by the sound of it, but yeah, really op should do more.

Sorry darkest, was meant to be lighthearted.
I am totally on your page.