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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed off at DPs constant 'she must be the milkman's' "jokes" regarding our 1 YO DD?

571 replies

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 09/08/2014 21:07

Our DD is 1YO with blonde hair and blue eyes. Both me and my DP have brown hair and green eyes.

Over the last year I have gotten increasingly sick of the 'she looks nothing like me she must be the milkmans/postmans/undertakers etc etc' jokes which I think are in pretty bad taste.

We were at a BBQ tonight and he mentioned it at least three times to different people. If I'm quite honest, I wanted to keep my DD inside and away from people as when they mentioned her 'beautiful blue eyes' or 'blonde curls' they were met with some stupid remark by my DP. They looked genuinely shocked when he said it and I feel as though it portrays me in a bad light, almost as though I have a penchant for sleeping around!

I know its a joke and there is no truth in it but she is the spitting image of him when he was a baby. I dont want her to pick up on what he's saying either especially as he has another DD from a previous relationship who he reckons Is the spitting image of him, although I think she looks a lot more like her mum than him.

It's just really starting to upset me. I just want to burst into tears as I feel so humiliated when he says it

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 12/08/2014 17:19

What with the contents of your latest posts and what you said upthread about your "D"P saying he felt guilty that DSD has had her family broken up through no fault of her own, my piece of ill-informed armchair psychology for the day is as follows:

Your "D"P has not moved on from his relationship with his ex. In his mind, it's not over with them. This is why he pays her so much money, lets her take the piss with how much DSD stays at your house and that YOU mainly feed, clothe and entertain her, and mentally distances himself from your own DD by calling her the milkman's child.

I think if he could get back with his ex and have him, her and DSD be a family again, he would drop you and your DD (possibly denying paternity, as others have said) and do it.

Sorry, I know you don't want to think about exit plans, but I think you need one. In case something happens with them and the situation is taken out of your hands.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/08/2014 17:28

Yy puntastic i would concur with that view.

Darkesteyes · 12/08/2014 17:30

Agree with puntastic.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2014 17:36

yup, it is certainly a viable and possible outcome to this sorry mess

OP, you need to take control. You haven't made any inroads with him at all, I am afraid.

Darkesteyes · 12/08/2014 17:58

Yup he has successfully deflected any responsibility from himself by seemingly getting worked up about his ex.

Hes a manipulative shit!

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2014 18:54

Mummytoagorgeouschops

So, you've had a talk.

What's changed?

Whereisegg · 12/08/2014 19:08

NannyOgg I think what's changed is that op now feels sorry for him as he has such a lot to deal with and is obly trying to do his (his-ha!) best with dsd Sad

Op, it is heartbreaking to read that he seems to have done nothing except appear to take you seriously.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 12/08/2014 19:13

I've had it now. I've gone for a drive with DD. I've looke after both kids all day and tonight I was trying to explain to DP about DSDs teeth. DSD kept interrupting so I finally got sick of it and told her to stop interrupting me.

DP told me not to talk to his DD like that a she is 5 and is going to interrupt. I told him to take the reigns and discipline her if he's going to leave her with me all of the time. I also said that yes DSD is 5 and she's got fucking rotten teeth which is the issue I'm trying to address!! Twunt. Contemplating whether to go and stay with my gran (mum is on holiday)

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 12/08/2014 19:17

Don't contemplate it, do it!

After less than 24 hours after being so upset at how you feel, he is showing you that you have no rights, no authority, just the ability to cook and wipe arses.

scottishmummy · 12/08/2014 19:23

No it's not about putting your dd first as suggested.its about treat both girls equally
You are effectively step parent to his daughter,as yiure in relationshio with the dad
If there are issues,the parents need to address.he and ex need to discuss their dd needs,clothing,and finances

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 12/08/2014 19:28

It's funny how things can come to ahead over something so seemingly trivial. I don't think I was out of order to ask her to be quiet whilst I was talking. It's basic manners and she should be reminded every time she does it. It's so bloody rude!!

You're not wrong there he's demeaning me in front of both kids instead of backing me up. We aren't reading from the same page

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 12/08/2014 19:33

Im not minimising but to put in context,a 5yo will interrupt.they dint have same impulse or control as adult
The 5yo isnt rude,the behaviour was rude.can you see the difference
Dint make this wee lassie collateral when you two argue

Like it or not,you're step parent to this wee lassie.you cannot openly have a preference
Id hope you think and reflect,shes nothust a visitor to your house shes his daughter,you are a significant adult to get.given you spend time when he at work. You are the step- mum

doziedoozie · 12/08/2014 19:39

To me it appears you are trying to take on the problems your DSD has when, at the same time, her actual parents are doing the complete opposite, and on top of that denying there is a problem.

You cannot fix this poor childs situation, better move away and let social services sort her or the parents out which would be better for her in the long run. Your sticking plasters will just prolong the misery.

scottishmummy · 12/08/2014 19:42

Person I feel sad for in this adult chaos is his daughter.
5yo,dad left,new girlfriend resents watching her,and passed between 3 adults
Please consider the child in all this

Whereisegg · 12/08/2014 19:48

ScottishMummy, I can't see op resenting dsd, I see her resenting the situation.
She is stepmother enough to oay out her limited wages on clothes and activities, she is stepmother enough to take dsd to the dentist, she is stepmother enough to do pick ups and drop offs, she is stepmother enough to care for the child for weeks, she is stepmother enough to be expected to put her and her dds plans on hold with no notice or even being asked, but she is not stepmother enough to say "please wait a minute and don't interrupt"?

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 12/08/2014 19:51

scottish oh no but its fine fo my DP to have a preference over his own bio DDs! At the end of the day DD is my responsibility, DSD isn't! She has two parent too.

We weren't arguing when I pulled her up on her constant interrupting I was telling DP that DSDs teeth are rotting and discussing what we could do differently and what we were going to tell DSDs (D)M, please bear in mind I've had a full week of her tantrums (which are perfectly normal for a 5 year old I understand that much) and another week to go or maybe not now
I don't think I was being unfair pulling her up on it, it won't be long before my own DD is copying her behaviours

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/08/2014 20:16

No its not fine for him to show a preference.
Nobody has said that and it must be hurtful for you if he does show a preference for his dd by his ex over his dd by, as it were.

You have to do what is right for you and your daughter. That might be to not be in this relationship. If you have supportive family you are already streets ahead of many others and that is great.

But i agree with scottishmummy. Your dsd looks very vulnerable here. You dont have to stay. If you leave she will not be your responsibility.
But if you are with him, you are her stepmother and she absolutely will notice your negative feelings about her even if you choose not to recognise them. And as she grows and becomes increasingly manding, those difficult feelings you have will grow too.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/08/2014 20:17

And im not sure that a discussion about her poor dental hygiene should have taken place on her presence. It is clearly a loaded issue.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/08/2014 20:22

Sorry. By you. I meant to say it would piss me off if i the father of my child favoured his other dd over ours iyswim.

Whereisegg · 12/08/2014 20:26

I agree things like this shouldn't be discussed in front of dsd, but as op says she kept interrupting, it's possible that they were in another room and she kept coming in despite being asked to give them 5 minutes...?

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 12/08/2014 20:34

Yes we were in the kitchen whilst DSD and DD were playing in the other room. DSD was stood at the door interrupting us. And we weren't arguing. I just explained that her teeth are rotting and we need to get it under control or her adult teeth will be affectes

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 12/08/2014 20:40

Where are you now op?

Pico2 · 12/08/2014 20:47

He can't have it both ways. Either you look after her and get to tell her not to interrupt, or you don't have sole charge of her and don't have to discipline her.

doziedoozie · 12/08/2014 20:48

Ah, well, looks like your the bad guy now OP.

The only one who is trying to do anything for the DSD.

But that's what happens to SMs - you'd better get used to it.

Original poster
Mummytoagorgeouschops · 12/08/2014 20:50

I'm at my friends now. DD is fast asleep. DP is texting and ringing asking me to come back but its obvious I count for shit. I'm just here to baby sit an do all of his washing and cleaning etc.

OP posts:
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