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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still no thank you letter from friend for wedding present after 3 months...

304 replies

carolineannabel22 · 09/08/2014 09:12

For some random reason I realised last night that we still haven't had a thank you card from a good friend for her wedding present. She got married in May.

AIBU in that I think that's totally unacceptable? I wrote ours the week after we got back from honeymoon... I know that was keen but I knew if i didn't do it then, I'd never do it!!

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/08/2014 10:52

I didnt do thank you cards and wouldnt expect one tbh.

Think what you like of me but I sat two days after the wedding with all the cards and text everyone an individual message of thanks. Those who I omly have landlines for I called and thanked.

hmc · 09/08/2014 10:52

I hate the thank you card rigmarole (for presents in general - wedding gifts, kids birthdays etc) - a thank you at the time should suffice. Did you send the happy couple a thank you card for hosting a lovely reception and having you as their guest ?!?

Pancakeflipper · 09/08/2014 10:55

But you thanked people Thinks, the OP has had no acknowledgement at all. It does not matter how you thank, it's still a thank you. She's not had a text, call etc..

cogitosum · 09/08/2014 10:55

We had a big problem with our cards resulting in some people getting 3-4 and some not getting one. It was caused by me trying to write personal notes and getting confused with my list so the thought was there but half my guests probably think we're really rude!

PrincessOfChina · 09/08/2014 10:58

I just found a pile of thank you'd that is left to DH to complete (his friends so he could write more personal notes or add to what I'd written). We got married in November.

He got a right bollocking and has now re-written with explanation.

MarchEliza · 09/08/2014 11:03

I find receiving a thank you card is very much the exception rather than the norm. In the last couple of years I gave been to about 6 weddings and only received thank you'd for 2 of them (presents from the gift list or money as requested to all). I think it's a bit rude to be honest but it just seems to be the way it is.

Redhead11 · 09/08/2014 11:03

ThinkIvBeenHacked i think that's the lazy way out. I would be offended at receiving a text message or phone call. It wouldn't have taken that much longer to write the cards. It says to me that you really didn't like the gifts that much, and whether you did or not, you should be grateful that people thought enough of you to give you a gift.

flyingtrue · 09/08/2014 11:11

But we don't know that the OP hasn't had a thank you over the phone or to her face, she's just said about a thank you card- she hasn't said about anything else.

Even if she's had nothing, she's still fine etiquette wise. If OP has been given a verbal thank you, then that just makes me think she's more unreasonable for the upset of no card yet.

GoblinLittleOwl · 09/08/2014 11:13

I gather from my daughter (30 something) that is most unusual for couples to send thank you letters/cards nowadays; I know this because she was astonished to receive one recently; first one ever.
Extremely bad manners.

mmmuffins · 09/08/2014 11:18

I got married in May and we just sent out our thank you cards.

SIL did our wedding invitations and the plan was for her to do the thank you cards as well, but she became pregnant shortly after our wedding and was suffering from morning sickness and fatigue. She did make the cards in the end but was slow about it (understandably).

Life happens, people are busy. You may still get a thank you card.

PetulaGordino · 09/08/2014 11:19

I am in my late 20s and have received a thank you card every time. I also send a note of thanks for the lovely party

I don't expect the thank you card though and wouldn't notice if they didn't send one - it just registers as a nice thing hen it pops through the door

RonaldMcDonald · 09/08/2014 11:27

So what?
Never send them, never get them

I send flowers after dinners/drinks parties and a quick text

YABU

isabellnecessary · 09/08/2014 11:30

We got married in the September and didn't manage to send thank you cards until the December. We moved cities/jobs and had a young baby on our hands - I don't think anyone minded. Got nice ones printed with a photo and wrote individual short letters with thank you and an update in each.

She might just be organising something lovely rather than wanting to send out generic ones.

Artandco · 09/08/2014 11:32

It wouldn't bother me at all. I would rather not have one tbh, it's just clutter!

At our wedding we specifies no gifts and still people brought them.. We just said thanks personally as we saw / spoke to them no written notes. It's just not us, I don't send birthday cards either and find them a bit pointless when received.

cardibach · 09/08/2014 11:34

I don't like cards - they are a waste of money and resources (paper and ink, energy in making them, petrol getting them to the shop, then my house, then in the post to whoever I might send them to). I don't send Christmas cards and only send a few birthday cards to very traditional people who mind that sort of thing. Ones I get don't really mean much - I'm grateful to be thought of but would be equally grateful for a text or phone call or someone dropping in. I have always made sure DD thanks people for gifts, but only rarely by card if we can't contact the people directly for some reason. I wouldn't expect or miss a thank you card after a wedding, and I don't think it is bad manners of the couple have thanked me in some other way. Etiquette does change over time, we live in a less formal age now - I think the card thing was appropriate when most people didn't have a land line, never mind a mobile - and I really don't see the point in someone wasting time and money writing a card which will just go in the bin.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2014 11:34

If you've not thanked people or acknowledged the gift by other means, not to send a thank you card is rude IMO.

Artandco · 09/08/2014 11:37

Ie : we received lots of gifts from people when children were born. Obv thanked at the time face to face, but then would just text whenever say ' x has grown so much and wore the lovely jumper you brought today', attach a picture. Rather than just sitting down and writing generic thank you notes. So it might take months for everyone to get messaged

CarryOnDancing · 09/08/2014 11:43

You shouldn't have gone to her wedding if there was a chance she would do something that wasn't up to your standards that you might hold against her.

She's your friend, give her a break. Wouldn't you rather they saved their money and put it towards something useful rather than spending an extra £100 plus on cards?

I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest at not receiving one. I attend weddings because I want to be part of the special occasion and share the event, not so I can enforce some etiquette on the bride and groom.

If people might let you down and spoil your friendship then maybe decline future invites?

hmc · 09/08/2014 12:03

It always makes me smile a little when resolute card senders (for whom the earth would stop turning if etiquette is breached) talk about lack of manners and courtesy when merely a verbal thank you is given. Sometimes those most inflexible about this sort of thing can be the least considerate people in other respects. They are often (not always) nit picky fault finders

NoodleOodle · 09/08/2014 12:08

I've never received one.

Mrsjayy · 09/08/2014 12:10

What are you going to do with the card after it comes open it display it yhen bin it or shove it in a drawer maybe the bride thinks they are a waste of money I think you are getting over offended about this infact I think a lot of people get offended when they arenot formally thanked I baffles me.

Chottie · 09/08/2014 12:11

I think it is rude too.

However I would not be holding my breath, I can't see a thank you note arriving for you.

I wrote personal notes to everyone who had been kind enough to give me a wedding present. I was really grateful as we didn't have much when we started out.

NightFallsFast · 09/08/2014 12:38

I'm waiting on a thanks (text/email/phone/in person/written would all be acceptable) for wedding gift given in March. Other family members also haven't received any acknowledgement. We traveled 10,000 miles to be there so a short note or email would have been nice.

I don't write thank you letters all the time, but always make sure I've thanked people for gifts and hospitality. Not to is pretty poor manners.

Original poster
carolineannabel22 · 09/08/2014 12:45

There have been no thanks at all.

I am seriously shocked at how many of you don't think its common courtesy to thank someone for giving you a gift. To me, not saying thank you makes you seem very ungrateful - whether it is by card/text/phonecall etc...

If someone has gone to the trouble of getting you a nice present or done something kind for you then surely the least you can do is acknowledge that by saying thank you.

OP posts:
Badvoc123 · 09/08/2014 12:52

I got married 15 years ago.
I sent thank yous to everyone.
I have been to many wedding since then and have only received about 2 thank yous for gifts/money.
This includes sending a gift all the way to bloody Bali!!
I must admit I have given up.
I only send written thank yous those that will appreciate them...tends to be older people.
I send thanks by text and e mail now (which is a sort of electronic letter I suppose!)

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