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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still no thank you letter from friend for wedding present after 3 months...

304 replies

carolineannabel22 · 09/08/2014 09:12

For some random reason I realised last night that we still haven't had a thank you card from a good friend for her wedding present. She got married in May.

AIBU in that I think that's totally unacceptable? I wrote ours the week after we got back from honeymoon... I know that was keen but I knew if i didn't do it then, I'd never do it!!

OP posts:
LondonRocks · 11/08/2014 00:12

Yep. Ok.

Goodnight

PrimalLass · 11/08/2014 00:16

Great post. Wink

ADHDNoodles · 11/08/2014 01:00

Mine took almost a year to get out. Blush

That said, I don't throw away thank you cards. But they are in a box of card that I'm not sure what to do with. I can't throw them away because they're cards, but I'm not going to display them in the house either. So what are you suppose to do with them?

melissa83 · 11/08/2014 06:08

I would love to break in your houses and clear stuff out. Sounds like a hoarders dream I just want to sort it all out.

Lweji · 11/08/2014 06:37

So what are you suppose to do with them?

Recycle. :)

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 11/08/2014 07:46

Why can't you throw away cards? I keep a few that are particularly treasured, eg handmade ones from the DCs, godchildren but the rest get recycled after a short period on display.

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 11/08/2014 07:46

Did the posters who didn't send some kind of thank you just ask for money from their guests?

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 11/08/2014 07:57

I suspect it's a lot easier to write "thank you for the beautiful wine glasses, looking forward to using them every time you come round" than "thanks for the cash bank manager is much happier" (obv friends would probably appreciate that more than an aged aunt)

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 11/08/2014 08:04

Nothing wrong with "thank you very much for your kind gift of cash which we will be putting towards a badly needed sofa, we look forward to our guests ginally being seated in comfort!" or similar though. I just don't get the objection to cash wedding gifts, we had quite a few and they went in things we wouldn't have bought normally and are just as treasured (more in some cases) than actual gift items. 14 years on I still remember who's cash/vouchers was spent on what.

Fairylea · 11/08/2014 08:17

I always read these threads feeling very amused.

It seems everyone seems to have a different feeling about what is acceptable and what isn't. I think the only course of action is to do whatever you like and not worry about it - it seems someone is always going to be horrified and offended so why worry?

My dc open their presents at their parties, look very excited about them and say thank you very much then and there.

When we got married we received money towards our honeymoon (shock horror! ) and thanked everyone then and there.

We don't send cards. I don't even send anyone except immediate family cards for birthdays (and when I say immediate family I literally just mean dc and mum and dad... Dh has siblings and none of them send each other cards, just a Facebook post).

We're not unusual at all in our circles. And we're fairly middle class in rural south norfolk so it is not a class or area thing.

Oh well. Social norms are so weird.

slithytove · 11/08/2014 09:58

With the cash gifts we received, we made a point of telling the giver what we had spent it on - Mainly holiday experiences. Telling them how pissed DH got at champagne brunch was fun to write about

Deverethemuzzler · 11/08/2014 10:04

I have a close relative who is very hot on sending cards and notes for every little thing. They like to make a big deal of it too. Always mentioning the card they sent to so and so because their cat is ill or they have been promoted.

This person is incredibly self centred. I can't even begin to tell you what they have done to prove that.

So being a card sender does not = thoughtful and polite.

It can be instead of being thoughtful ime.

Fairylea · 11/08/2014 10:09

Devere my ex mil was exactly like that.

Every single card she sent for whatever occasion she used to just sign her name and put the date and year - not even a warm message or a "to xxxx" or a "dear". It was all about her. She clearly thought we were going to keep every card forever as some sort of heirloom.

MorphineDreams · 11/08/2014 10:14

Oh for god's sake so we're actually supposed to keep them until year dot as well now?

I don't have room! already have a box of birthday cards that's full to bursting and I've stopped keeping those unless they're hand made or something.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 11/08/2014 10:15

Fairylea my husband comes from a culture where no-one gives cards. On Valentine's Day last year, I received a card with his full name printed and the date on it. Nothing else. Not quite the loved-up heartfelt message I was hoping to receive!

PetulaGordino · 11/08/2014 10:47

of course you don't have to keep them. i do keep some, but then i have space and things to do with them. i turn christmas cards into decorations for next year, but it's not like it's the law

i don't give a shit how or if people thank me for presents, though it's always nice when they do. i generally assume that people who send me cards aren't doing it to deliberately clutter my house up or make me think that i'm not important enough for a phone call or whatever

i try to thank people through the easiest and most appropriate means for that situation, it's not hard. i don't send thank you cards to make myself look good - it's just the easiest or most appropriate way to say thank you to some people who give me presents, like my grannie who struggles with the phone because her hearing isn't very good, but likes to receive a nice card through the post

PrimalLass · 11/08/2014 11:01

i generally assume that people who send me cards aren't doing it to deliberately clutter my house up

No-one sane would think that. They do add clutter though so I am happy when I don't get one. That's all.

Seff · 11/08/2014 11:21

I don't want to receive a gift from somebody who would think me rude because I didn't hand write and post a thank you card. Especially if that person was going to fume and not say anything to me.

If I send a gift, I assume that the receiver will be grateful that I chose and gave them a gift. I don't assume that they are not grateful until I receive notice otherwise. And a thank you card does not automatically mean that someone is grateful for their presents.

If a bride and groom are writing cards to everyone after their wedding, they're sending them to everyone regardless of how grateful they are.

I get that it can be nice to receive them, but I don't get the months of fretting over it. If it bothers you that much, pick up the phone.

Chiggers · 11/08/2014 13:21

I don't think it's a big deal if I don't get a thank you card from a gift receiver. If they thanked me in person at the time, I just get on with my life. If they also send a thank you card, I would see it as a grovelling thanks for their gift. Not need for it if thanked for it at the time of receipt.

LondonRocks · 11/08/2014 13:41

I would love to break in your houses and clear stuff out. Sounds like a hoarders dream I just want to sort it all out.

Overreaction, much?

Some posters on here getting so worked up about people keeping a few cards from people they love.

Get a fucking grip.

melissa83 · 11/08/2014 13:59

Hardly worked up. I just hate junk. I think people are wasting their time hand crafting the cards as its something the kids would do but not as a grown adult.

Nanny0gg · 11/08/2014 14:07

Well I am happy to agree to differ,.

If I give/send you a present I will continue to expect *some^ form of Thanks (preferably present specific, not generic), be it face-to-face, email or card/note.
If I don't get any then I reserve the right to think you rude.

If you give/send me a present I will say Thank You if I can and if I happen to open it when you're not around I will likely send a card.
Feel free to do whatever you like with it.

TonytheFish · 11/08/2014 15:14

I got married 8 years ago, we were quite young, and sending a Thank You card was something that tbh, never even occurred to me! It was not something I had come across ever.

But then, we had a fairly small wedding, with only close family and friends, so I thanked everyone in person as stuff was handed to us.

I would not be offended to not receive one either.

And I certainly would not be offended if I got a thank you in a txt or email as opposed to an actual card, which lets face it, gets opened, you look at it, think "oh nice" and chuck it in the bin!

cardibach · 11/08/2014 16:16

Aaaargh!
NannyOgg you are not differing! The vast majority have said you should say thank you in some way, just not necessarily by note! Why can't people read the actual comments rather than what they think is being said.
To clarify, the vast majority (possibly all) posters who don't think cards are essential have said:

  • it is rude not to give thanks for a gift -thanks are given in person or by email or text -it could be OK to thank people via facebook (or other social media)

No poster as far as I am aware has said it's OK and not rude to not thank givers at all.

Nanny0gg · 11/08/2014 20:50

NannyOgg you are not differing!

Yes I am, I just missed a bit.

Very few (ime) B&G say Thank You for the present that you actually bought them at the time. Presents are usually left on a gift table and taken home.

I would prefer (and I don't care what others think) to be thanked for the specific present I went out and chose, paid for and carefully wrapped. Not a generic FB message thanking all and sundry for coming and all the lovely gifts.

I've also just received two cards for presents for two new babies with thanks for the actual thing I bought with lovely photos of the babies on the front. So they will be kept.

Might be my generation. Might be my slavish devotion to Debrett's, but giving general thanks, when the recipient of the gift doesn't actually know what they're giving thanks for, actually pisses me off.

Rest of you can take them or leave them, give them or not, as you choose.

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