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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still no thank you letter from friend for wedding present after 3 months...

304 replies

carolineannabel22 · 09/08/2014 09:12

For some random reason I realised last night that we still haven't had a thank you card from a good friend for her wedding present. She got married in May.

AIBU in that I think that's totally unacceptable? I wrote ours the week after we got back from honeymoon... I know that was keen but I knew if i didn't do it then, I'd never do it!!

OP posts:
MollyHooper · 10/08/2014 20:41

Competitively laid back? :o Would you rather people feign outrage?

I'll take simple manners over ridged etiquette any day and save myself the wrinkles.

Deverethemuzzler · 10/08/2014 20:46

MyFairy you have your own set of rules about when and why and how to say thank you. You have a list of occasions when it is necessary and when it isn't. You have a list of who gets a handwritten card and who gets an email and a subsection for who gets a handwritten one for every occasion.

Do you really expect everyone to abide by your complicated system? If they don't they are being competitively laid back?

Again, it is most certainly NOT only on MN that people are not fussed about thank you cards.

I would say the opposite is true. I have only ever heard of it as an issue on here.

Saying Thank You in some form is a universal expectation and a reasonable one but receiving thanks via the postman isn't.

PrimalLass · 10/08/2014 20:49

Those that think cards are akin to junk mail, bloody hell. Nice.

No, but they end up in the same place.

MollyHooper · 10/08/2014 20:57

Do people throw them out Prima?

If people don't, where do you keep them all?

Do you ever look at them again?

MyFairyKing · 10/08/2014 21:01

I didn't say they were my rules, just that in my circle, this was the norm. And there is a competitive laid back attitude on MN about certain things.

Deverethemuzzler · 10/08/2014 21:11

Of course they are your rules. You are part of that circle so you are part of the evolution and perpetuation of that complicated little set up.

Why do you do it? Why do you stick to the 'this person must send this if I do this but not if this happens unless the person involved is over a set age. If the person is not considered elderly they should expect this but only if the occasion is on the approved list'

It all smacks of a desperation to fit in with social expectations rather than actual manners and a wish to convey sincere gratitude.

That may not be the case, I am pretty sure you are nice, genuinely polite person, but can you not see how it might look like that to people outside of 'your circle'?

Thenapoleonofcrime · 10/08/2014 21:13

Saying Thank You in some form is a universal expectation and a reasonable one but receiving thanks via the postman isn't

This is how I feel about it. In general, I don't write notes because I tend to see and thank people at events such as weddings/birthdays (my own wedding only had about 20 people at it), because I tend to be in touch on phone/email and so on with pretty much everyone who comes to these events, or see them on the day in person and thank them (or give it in person and be thanked). I don't pile gifts in the corner without finding who put them there or put them in bin bags to be opened later so this never occurs (this to me is very rude, but I have to accept that this is considered polite but only if you sent a note later).

It's not competitive laid-backness by the way, I genuinely don't care that the bride and groom whose wedding I went to a few weekends ago haven't sent me a card yet for my present, they have sent a lovely thank you for attending and some super photos to share (by email, the horror!) That's about reliving the day and remembering the fun times, not about what 'ought' to be done, much politer in my opinion.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 10/08/2014 21:15

Mind you, I am probably not very well-mannered, I didn't know there was a special way to eat a bread roll til I read this thread!

PetulaGordino · 10/08/2014 21:16

"Saying Thank You in some form is a universal expectation and a reasonable one but receiving thanks via the postman isn't"

yes i agree with this too

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/08/2014 21:17

Of course they're not akin to junk mail, I read them and am happy to have received them. However they do all end up in the bin.

I don't think there's a competitively laidback attitude on MN, quite the opposite, people here seem to get stressed out about all manner of things no one seems to bat an eyelid about in my experience.

Bakeoffcakes · 10/08/2014 21:18

I love it when people do things differently to the "expected" norm.

If we all abided by some made up "rules"/traditions, most of the population would still be doffing their cap at The Lord and Lady of the manor.

Itsfab · 10/08/2014 21:19

I send thank you cars for every gift I am giving and my children do too. If someone has been kind enough to buy and send a gift or to send money then the least you can do is write a thank you. We recently received a thank you for gifts sent for a celebration in June and I am thrilled as it is a photo of the children but for me the thank you card is just as much about letting me know the present has been delivered as the post can be iffy.

It is the same people who never send a thank you but we still write to them.

MollyHooper · 10/08/2014 21:31

I wouldn't mind a thank you car, Itsfab.

Can I be your friend? :o

Deverethemuzzler · 10/08/2014 21:38

If you like sending them that is lovely itsfab but a thank over the phone lets the sender know the gift has been received. Even a post on facebook.

Sometimes I do a little video of the kids singing a song of thanks or whatever and that tends to go down well. It would have etiquette fans swooning with disapproval though Grin

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 10/08/2014 21:57

For me it's treating people like you would like to be treated yourself. I hate it when you've gone to a lot of time, trouble and expense to attend because the b&g are important to you and then you don't get any idea whether they got the gift or what they did with it. As generally you don't physically take the gift to the wedding anymore there's not an opportunity for them to thank you for it.

Sending a generic thankyou is a waste of time to me and does pretty much go straight in the bin. A one line thanks for the toaster (by letter, text, call whatever) is much appreciated. Personally I sent out a personalised letter to all 180 guests with a couple of photos each. Even the guests who took us at our word and didn't buy a present got a note saying how much we appreciated them being there and mentioning something we'd talked about on the day. I didn't expect them to keep it for posterity I just wanted to know how much it meant.

MorphineDreams · 10/08/2014 22:00

devere me and you will just be friends coz we're well happy with a text or Facebook post

PetulaGordino · 10/08/2014 22:02

i would love a video thank you!

Itsfab · 10/08/2014 22:04

BlushGrin Sure, Molly. What type would you like?

Yes, Devere but when you don't get a call and aren't on facebook it has to be by post to know it has arrived. I would send as registered if it didn't cost so much. ANY form of letting one know the parcel has arrived would do!!

LondonRocks · 10/08/2014 22:14

I have kept the photo card of two great friends' weddings.

The rest eventually get thrown in the recycling after being on the sideboard for a bit, or DC use them for arty stuff. I was referring to the poster who said they went "straight in the bin".

Honestly. This "they end up in the same place" lark - really?! Would you not buy someone a drink as they'll pee it out? Hmm

ilovesooty · 10/08/2014 22:30

I don't see anything wrong with thanking people via email or individually via Facebook. I still think that if people don't have that facility it's good manners to send a note or card for a gift to confirm it's been received safely.

ilovesooty · 10/08/2014 22:30

I don't see anything wrong with thanking people via email or individually via Facebook. I still think that if people don't have that facility it's good manners to send a note or card for a gift to confirm it's been received safely.

PrimalLass · 10/08/2014 23:04

Honestly. This "they end up in the same place" lark - really?! Would you not buy someone a drink as they'll pee it out?

FFS. What on earth else do you think happens to them? No, obviously they are not the same as junk mail. But I am drowning in clutter and - because I give gifts to give them and not to receive a thank you card - I really would rather that the recipients of my gift sent a wee text (etc) rather than spending yet more money on a needless bit of paper and a stamp.

LondonRocks · 11/08/2014 00:08

Delightful view of d

LondonRocks · 11/08/2014 00:09

*someone's kind thought.

Enough with a very odd turn of thread.

PrimalLass · 11/08/2014 00:12

Look, if people want to send cards (as in 'kind thought'), then that's one thing. But others are allowed to see it as wasteful clutter without being wrong.