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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still no thank you letter from friend for wedding present after 3 months...

304 replies

carolineannabel22 · 09/08/2014 09:12

For some random reason I realised last night that we still haven't had a thank you card from a good friend for her wedding present. She got married in May.

AIBU in that I think that's totally unacceptable? I wrote ours the week after we got back from honeymoon... I know that was keen but I knew if i didn't do it then, I'd never do it!!

OP posts:
thisismypassword · 10/08/2014 09:28

I've been waiting 15 months for mine. Don't think I'm going to get one!

Deverethemuzzler · 10/08/2014 09:32

We didn't send any.
I didn't know we had to.
I have never received any.

Its never bothered me.

Thank you at the time seems appropriate and nice. A card a few months later seems a bit superfluous and a waste of paper.

Peanut15 · 10/08/2014 09:39

Again, after our wedding my parents received lots of thank you notes. We had 100 ish guests and I'd say only about 10 of them didn't write. I've never been to a wedding without writing a thank you note.

Do I just live in a bubble?!

Peanut15 · 10/08/2014 09:40

Ps we only got married 4 years ago! I'm not talking 40 years ago!

Marnierose · 10/08/2014 09:53

It's about basic manners and etiquette. How sad that the majority view is that it's fine to not bother. But then I find a lot of adults I meet have no idea how to act at social events.

It makes me sad to think about the next generation. How will they learn these basic skills and manners?

SirChenjin · 10/08/2014 09:54

When you "not bother" - do you mean write thank you card specifically, or would a letter, email, text or phone call suffice?

Deverethemuzzler · 10/08/2014 10:04

I am quite old.
I am also very polite and thoughtful.

Is it so difficult to understand that there are different expectations in different circles?

I do not understand Baby Showers. I am not of the opinion that they are evil and grabby. My younger family members see them as normal and fun.

Things change, different people do different things.

There really is no need for despair.
Basic skills and manners mean different things to different people. I think basic manners include accepting that the way you do things is not always the epitome of correctness.

BeeInYourBonnet · 10/08/2014 10:05

I don't give a hoot how someone thanks me - by post, by email/text, in person - just think its polite to acknowledge that a gift had been received!

Deverethemuzzler · 10/08/2014 10:13

Of course it is.

If someone sends you a gift you should acknowledge it has been received with thanks.

If someone gives you a gift it is sufficient to say 'thank you' in person.

I made the effort to talk to all of my wedding guests and thank them for coming and for their kind gifts.

I prefer to do things personally. If others prefer to do it by post that is up to them. Each to their own.

I wouldn't sit in despair at the manners of someone who preferred to write out cards.

SirChenjin · 10/08/2014 10:15

Where do you draw the line with that Devere - not holding the door open for someone and that person saying thank you in return? Not saying please and thank you ever? Spitting in the street? Pushing to the top of the queue? The list is endless. The fact is that we do say 'thank you' a lot in this country, and we hold doors open, and we don't spit, and we queue, and any number of other things - every country has its own customs and behaviours that are considered rude or polite.
It's not a lack of manners on the part of the person who feels disappointed to be on the receiving end of that, and to excuse away your bad manners by saying that it's up to everyone else to accept that I do things differently is just being lazy and taking the easy way out. A quick text or email to say 'I received your gift and I appreciate that you went to a lot of time, effort and money to give me something' is such basic, simple manners that I am amazed that anyone would not do it. Like not letting a door slam back in the face of the person behind them.

SirChenjin · 10/08/2014 10:16

Cross posts there.

Marnierose · 10/08/2014 10:19

Some of our guests didn't buy us presents. We still sent everyone a personalised letter thanking them for attending our wedding.

Deverethemuzzler · 10/08/2014 10:21

Yes. Totally took a few words and ran and ran didn't you? Grin

My point is that writing thank you cards for wedding gifts is not conventional for everyone. In the same way that registering at John Lewis or The White Stuff is not conventional.

I have friends who would rather not get married than send out a list of gifts from JL to their guests. They would think it the height of rudeness. But it is perfectly acceptable to lots of other people.

I am very hot on manners but not so hot on etiquette. One is natural one is made up to distinguish the Us from the Non-Us

If people want to do it, I don't mind. I do mind the hand wringing and pearl clutching if not everyone is like them

Deverethemuzzler · 10/08/2014 10:23

You see that is very nice Marnie but for many the convention would be to send a card thanking the hosts for the lovely wedding.

I thanked everyone for coming to my wedding but I did it in person.

FryOneFatManic · 10/08/2014 10:23

And for those that say that the Thank You is evolving - no it's not.

Etiquette is evolving. Even Debretts has been updated in recent years.

As long as a gift, etc has been acknowledged by some form of thanks, then the method is fine with me.

I recently went to a wedding. I didn't even think about thank cards until reading this thread. I had a lovely chat with the bride (my relative) and groom at the wedding and gave my thanks in person. It always feels more genuine to me to do it in person.

And given the price of stamps, etc is not exactly cheap these days, along with the uncertainty of the postal system, I do prefer to thank face-to-face or by phone if not able to meet the person.

Deverethemuzzler · 10/08/2014 10:27

Thank you cards may be an old tradition but they are certainly not as old as a spoken 'thank you' are they?

They also hark back to the days of the penny post and several deliveries a day and no telephones.

I think they have also become part of the Wedding Industry. What! Haven't chosen your bespoke, hand printed, thank you stationery! Call that a wedding Shock

SirChenjin · 10/08/2014 10:34

Yes, I felt your words deserved equal words Grin

Agree etiquette is evolving - as is the technology to support that. So long as you thank people personally then I don't think it matters how you do that, but I don't think a generic "thank you for the gift though I have no idea what it is as I put it in the pile with everyone else's and move on to talk to my other guests" is sufficient. I gave examples upthread of my 2 cousins - I put a pretty reasonable amount of money in cards and gave it to them at their parties. They said "thanks", and put the cards down. It would have been nice for them to contact me afterwards to say "I got the money, I know you worked hard for it, and I appreciate it".

Sallystyle · 10/08/2014 10:35

I never sent them! I thanked everyone personally at the wedding as we got the gifts on the day. My MIL was disgusted with me so she did them for us behind our backs.

I said thank you, I see no need to waste paper and send a thank you card.

Bue · 10/08/2014 10:44

I am an enormous fan of the thank you card, but even I am having to grudgingly accept that etiquette seeme to be deteriorating changing and maybe text/email is becoming more the norm [sigh] However no thanks at all is the pinnacle of rudeness.

LondonRocks · 10/08/2014 10:49

I went to a wedding (last year)! And got no note of thanks. An email would have been fine. A mutual friend, however, received a thanks... I think that's pretty rude, actually.

Then again, they demanded cash and I was rude and bought a gift. Hmm

scottishmummy · 10/08/2014 11:14

An acknowledgement of gift is nice,be it verbal,email,txt.however getting in a tizzy if not received is churlish
Wedding lists,and pam ayres type poems to saccharine coat that they expect money,are the fashion
Notion that Handwritten card is best(but if you're stuck grab printer paper)sent by snail mail is fussy,antiquated and no one does it

flyingtrue · 10/08/2014 12:14

Did they send cards, LondonRocks , or was it f2f or phone/text? I only ask because when my friends posted their thank yous I also didn't get one and wondered what had happened when I heard everyone else had. Someone mentioned to the groom I hadn't got one yet and he rang me up, absolutely mortified and furious at Royal Mail. It turned out that they sent over 100 card, all paid for 2nd class stamp and out of those 15 never turned up-lost by the Post service.

The B&G hand delivered me one two days later, they were still very annoyed after spending a lot of money on postage and loads of effort on writing a really nice personal message only to have so many lost. I think one turned up about 4 months later bizarrely!

If your friend was thanked by phone then it seems a bit pointed that you weren't, which is shameful.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/08/2014 12:18

We got married in August (22 years ago). At Christmas, I found out that dh hadn't done his share of the thank-you cards - I was buggered if I was going to do all of them, so we'd agreed he would do his friends and family - and then didn't.

I had to put thank-you and sorry cards in with half the christmas cards. I was mortified.

scottishmummy · 10/08/2014 13:00

Sorry about what cards?a minor oversight

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 10/08/2014 13:22

It makes me sad to think about the next generation. How will they learn these basic skills and manners?

Tbh as long as my children have good manners - and by that I mean please and thank you etc - I couldn't care less if they carry on etiquette. Such as thank you notes instead of thank you texts, buttering bread 'properly' at formal events etc. it's outdated meaningless twaddle and means very little other than being a competition for who is the poshest. I don't want them to be that way.