Quick Advice DD2 refusing to go on holiday...

[fun1nthesun]

We need to leave now! dd2 has decided she isn't going (12 years old). Leaving her with relatives/friends isn't an option. She has form for sudden refusals, and in fact we lost £££ the last time she demanded to do expensive lessons and then changed her mind after we had given the money.

Any suggestions? Our holiday is ruined

Yy thumb, plenty of behaviour is simply siblings being a pita to each other.

However, spoiling a fun day out sounds like a bigger issue at play, even though at the time it probably came across as D's brother being awful.

I fully understand that it isn't the parent's fault and that life is difficult, and wearing,on a daily basis. I just wonder how the siblings cope when they have to live their life around it and get continually disappointed.

I was a very easy going, reasonable child- give me a book and I was happy! Not all siblings are like that- how do you cope if they kick off and they don't see why they should understand?

One of the hardest jobs Dh and I have is to try to please all our dc without favouring one.
At the moment it looks like we're favouring ds2, because we have to handle things differently. That's very difficult to explain to the older dc.
When we have a day out, we have to plan it around ds2 (not that we would ever tell the other dc), because if he is stressed/anxious/not engaged with it, he will be a nightmare which will ruin the day.

If we are doing something that we know will trigger ds1's anxiety, we spend more time with him preparing him.

We also have back up plans. Big days out are only done when Dh and I are both here, so if there's a refusal, we can either both deal with it or one of us stays at home so the others don't miss out (although we've never got to that point yet)

When it's just me with the dc, we do familiar things. If ds1 doesn't want to go, he stays at home.

Sorry for the multiple posts, just trying to get across that there is possibly more to a difficult child than just being nasty.

Ds3 will kick off just to be difficult. He is exceptionally well behaved at school - it is attention seeking behaviour. I fully understand it is hard being the youngest when you eldest brother is severely autistic & your middle brother gets quite a bit of attention because of something he does to a high level. It's still not acceptable to ruin everyone else's day though.

He's getting better. I try to give him extra attention, 1:1 time - but not when he's being difficult. I sometimes ask him why he has a head on (he has difficult days & easy going days) - and he'll laugh at that. But some dats he is just looking for a fight. It's not easy to stop him because in that mood he looks for things to be wound up by (& I'm not blind to the fact ds2 doesn't hold back on stirring) - but hopefully he has now learned there is a line not to be crossed.

Sorry, one more

Delphinium, I've often found myself wishing that some (or all) of my dc would be reasonable and easy going, but apart from ds3 (very laid back toddler), they're not. Dd also gets very anxious, but also has no filter, so if she's worried about it, she's already told me, so we can work through it.

All my older 3 are high maintenance, not easy children at all, but looking at your last few posts, perhaps that's not a bad thing, because it would be very easy to overlook them when ds2 needs so much supervision/support.

I can't say how my dc will feel about their childhood, probably resentful on some levels. If they go on to have easy children, I don't think they'll understand at all. If they have tricky children, I think they'll have some level of understanding.

I can see from my dc's point of view that it's not easy for all of them, but to a certain extent, Dh and I are powerless to change things. It's exhausting, but we can only do our best. We try to use other's experiences (mn and real life ones) as hind sight to try to get things right for all the dc.

I hope that the dc get on better when they don't live together.

Sorry, rambling on again! All dc are still asleep, so I'll go and have a quiet cup of tea :)

I think a lot of siblings are better when they don't live together! I get on great with both mine, but would hate to live with either of them! I am going on holiday with one for a week and that length of time is fine- any more is pushing it!

Delphiniums, it's a really really hard balancing act, and it doesn't always work - inevitably there are times when the other DC are upset and disappointed. Yes, they do sometimes resent it.

I am conscious that DD in particular often has often had to simply suck it up because despite her own anxiety issues she is often the least difficult, so we do try and schedule things that are just for her (either DH or I look after the other two so no chance of it being spoilt), and indeed do the same (special times) with all of them. We do as much as we can but it probably still isn't enough. It's hard.

Delphine, I understand why you are so resentful, but you said in the first line of your response, you don't care what was going on for him, you just wanted your needs met. He was exactly the same. He was never going to be able to be as good, reasonable and easy as you. To you that came naturally, to him, he would never live up to the same standards.
You behaved well because that came naturally and it made you feel good. I suspect he never got that feel good factor because he never really succeeded in being good.

Siblings don't deliberately annoy each other because of the effect on the sibling, it's all about what it does to themselves.
Getting their sibling into trouble means that they are not in trouble themselves and they can feel better about themselves for a short time.
Doing something that takes attention away from a sibling, means they feel good about themselves because for once, someone is paying attention to them.
Its hard when you constantly have to compete against a sibling, especially when the sun shines out of that sibling's arse!

When you have different needs in a family, it is a very difficult balancing act. You need to ensure that everyone has their needs met individually.
I have 2 kids with SN but both very different and they don't get on. We work hard to ensure that they both get individual time and attention. Sometimes one has to accept that the other one's needs are greater at that moment in time and if I am giving lots of attention to one, it is because they need it and I would do the same for both of them.
We talk about things quite openly to allow them to express what is going on for them so it doesn't allow too much resentment to build up.
The world does not revolve around any of us. We are all equally important and valued in our family.

I think there are times when one child not only gets more attention but is more favoured. (Though most parents as with the ones posting here try to ensure that there's an overall balanced.)

This isn't necessarily about special needs and/or challenging behaviour. Maybe it's about personalities and family histories.

My perception is that my husband's ex was very much more tied up emotionally with my stepson than my stepdaughter. My stepson has high-functioning autism and so does his mother. So I suppose it's 'natural' that she relates to him and identifies with him more than she does with her neurotypical daughter. There can also be gender issues, where one parent will relate very differently to a boy than a girl.

Maybe in the long run some kind of balance was arrived at. My stepdaughter is closer to her father, while my stepson remains close to his Mum. But I think my stepdaughter's strong sense that her brother was and is favoured, really damaged her relationship with her mother. (In recent years she has also gravitated a bit more towards me as a result.)

Glad you made it on holiday OP.

Thanks Groovee and some really interesting posts on here. I think various of the DC's feel treated differently about different things, and I can imagine how hard it must be when one has either special needs or anxiety, and the others feeling they have to "fit in" around that ones needs.

Mostwicked I really liked your post, and it sounds like you have lucky children who feel valued . I try to ensure all mine feel valued, at the time of the post DD2 was taking the mickey and had no excuse for her behaviour. She has now genuinely apologised, thank goodness!

Any explanation from her OP?

More than an explanation, I'd be wanting her to tell me that she won't do it again because she realises how unfair her actions were on the entire family.

I Think I'd have a really boring plan B I'm place for her for future holidays...