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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has my sister just stolen my daughters holiday?

103 replies

Looby2k · 09/08/2014 01:43

Ok, I'm not happy so this may be a bit scrambled but I need to vent before I tear my family to pieces.
I'm a single mum to three kids. The two youngest have autism and I fear my eldest misses out on stuff because the boys are so full on. My brother and his wife live abroad and about 6 months ago my sil suggested that it send my eldest over to them so that she can do the girly/tomboyish/adventure things that she can't do with her brothers. It was all set.
Then last weekend my sister casually remarked that she was thinking about going over to my brothers a similar time to when my daughter was going and that she would be happy to take my daughter with her and bring her back. I said then that it would defeat the purpose of DD getting respite from her disabled brothers (my sister also has disabled children who she will be taking too) and besides my DD was due back in school before she planned to return. I hoped she would see this from mine and my daughters view.
Tonight I got a text saying she has decided that she is going on that date but "she'll take my DD when she goes back in October"
AIBU to be furious at this? In October the water sport activities that my DD had her heart set on doing will not be operating, the music festival she should be going to will be long finished and she will still be holidaying with my nephews (whom I adore but are not able to participate in adventure activities). DD was so looking forward to her get away from her brothers and just doing things that other kids get to do.
AIBU to see this as my sister stealing daughters holiday?

OP posts:
TheTruffleHunter · 09/08/2014 01:59

This is so difficult because she was doing you a favour so you can't really dictate the timings or conditions of said 'favour'.

Having said that I would be so pissed off that I would not be polite - be honest and tell her how disappointed DD will be. How totally out of order it is to promise a child something very special then just back out of it for no good reason.

Of course you can't force her to behave decently but you can stand up for your DD.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/08/2014 02:07

Can you not have a word with your DB and SIL?

MinesAPintOfTea · 09/08/2014 02:07

Have you spoken to your brother?

DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP · 09/08/2014 02:12

TruffleHunter the sister was not doing the favour it was the OP's SIL that made the offer of the holiday.

OP talk directly to your DB and DSIL. Your DD may still be able to go especially if you explain how excited she is. Do the even know that your sister has effectively canceled your DD holiday.

YADNBU though your sister should of kept her nose out, when your child goes to visit her Uncle and aunt is nothing to do with her.

Original poster
Looby2k · 09/08/2014 02:29

I haven't spoken to my brother or sister in law yet as I feel I need to calm down first. I don't even know if they know that my sister and her family are going over. He is always happy to have any of the family visit. usually we are a close knit bunch.
I know that I can't demand they take my child and let her be just a child for a change but I feel that they have raised excitement in DD (who is of the age where she doesn't really get excited about much) and my sister has decided that what she wants is more important then my DD. If they know she is going over of course. They won't say no to my sister going anyway. They will just drag my daughter around whilst they do activities suitable for my much younger and mobility restricted DN's which is what happens inadvertently here at home.
I probably ABU. I think next summer I will look into summer camps for her which would have been the plan this year. She deserves something special just for her.

Thanks all Thanks

OP posts:
DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP · 09/08/2014 02:37

Why are you just assuming that your DD's holiday has been cancelled just because your sister has been talking about going as well? Talk to your brother and sister in law first, before you allow your DD to be disappointed. why are you just giving up?

NoodleOodle · 09/08/2014 02:39

I don't think you are being unreasonable though. DD was invited to a holiday unrestricted by SN siblings, which is now being hijacked by SN cousins. If you could get your family to understand that, DD getting her holiday as originally promised would be only fair. Though I can see how communicating this might be difficult.

Original poster
Looby2k · 09/08/2014 02:45

My sister will just go. I have a feeling that this long weekend period is the only date her fiancé can get off work as they have been on several holidays already this year and have at least one more planned for later in the year.
As I said, my brother won't say no to her (and I wouldn't actually expect him to) and they will have to tailor activities to my Nephews needs. She can still go of course but it won't be the carefree weekend she was looking forward to.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 09/08/2014 02:46

How was your daughter going in the first place? Before you sister said she'll take her?

Can't you still send her unaccompanied to your DB?

HerRoyalNotness · 09/08/2014 02:48

Ah I see, so your sis is going now and in October. If your sis is only going for a long weekend, can't you see DD a week later? Or do you want her to travel with someone?

Original poster
Looby2k · 09/08/2014 02:49

Thanks noodle. You've termed that perfectly. When I was trying to moan at my mother about it earlier that was what I was trying to say Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Looby2k · 09/08/2014 02:57

My DD was going fly by herself (with the BA's escort service for 'alone children') which I think made it more exciting for her. She is old enough to fly by herself without the service but it made me happier knowing she was accompanied through the airports.
I will have to speak with my DB and sil and see if it's worth sending her. I know she'll be disappointed although she won't want to show it.

OP posts:
NoodleOodle · 09/08/2014 03:00

Perhaps you could use the charities that are set up to provide NT children with holidays from SN in their families as a way to kind of 'back up' the legitimacy of the need for such a holiday, and that it's not a slight against her cousins, rather a recognition of her specific needs being met where they are understandably often compromised in consideration of SN family members' needs.

Original poster
Looby2k · 09/08/2014 03:10

I did consider respite break for SN siblings when I was sent details about one that is running in our area a few weeks ago but I decided that, given she was supposed to be going to my brothers, another family should get the spot. I know these things are amazing for NT kids and there were only 8 places available. I didn't want to deprive another child of having a carefree break when my DD had the opportunity of one already.

OP posts:
lettertoherms · 09/08/2014 03:14

I'm confused. Your sister is going in October, which is later than you were going to send your daughter, and the activities won't be running?

Can't you send her the date of the original plan? Why change it for your sister because she's going later if DD was happy to go alone? "Sorry sis, DD will be going these dates, she's signing up for this activity and going to this festival, it won't work within your schedule. Thanks for the offer of accompanying her but she'll go solo this time."

Am I missing something?

Original poster
Looby2k · 09/08/2014 03:16

My sister is going both at the end of this month (when my DD is supposed to be going) and in October. She and my parents always go during October half term.

OP posts:
musicalendorphins2 · 09/08/2014 03:23

Can you ask your brother and sil if your dd can come a week or 2 sooner than planned?

ZenGardener · 09/08/2014 03:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Can you try texting your sister something like 'Do you mind not going then as DD was so looking forward to some time without younger kids around? I'm sure you understand this is a rare opportunity for her.'

If she insists on going then there isn't much you can do but at least you tried.

I'd do it by text rather than phoning so you don't get too upset.

Original poster
Looby2k · 09/08/2014 03:32

My sil chose that date because she knew she would not be working that weekend. They got married earlier this year and spent a month honeymooning so neither of them have any annual leave left.
I will speak with them and see what, if anything can be done. I know no one has set out to upset DD or me intentionally and I do feel I can talk about this with them more rationally then I earlier would have.

OP posts:
ZenGardener · 09/08/2014 03:35

Ps. Be firm and explain 'No, DD was looking forward to going on her own not with you, perhaps you can just go in October?'

If your sister takes offense then she takes offense but it seems like she has no trouble offending you so stick up for your DD here.

ZenGardener · 09/08/2014 03:36

Crossed posts!

Good luck. I hope she understands.

CustardFromATin · 09/08/2014 03:39

They are way out of line, especially considering all the holidays they have taken already this year! If you are too upset to chat, can you write an email to your brother explaining the situation first? (I'd also get an honest friend or partner to read it first to make sure it doesn't come across badly and won't cause further problems if or more likely WHEN your sister sees it). Or can you email them both and keep it all out in the open? What you've said so far sounds very reasonable, I feel sorry for your dd.

CheerfulYank · 09/08/2014 03:48

Good luck! Poor DD.

NoodleOodle · 09/08/2014 04:20

Also let them know you passed up a place for dd for respite holiday on the basis that she'd be getting this break, and that that option is no longer available.

downperiscope · 09/08/2014 05:27

YANBU, the way Noodle describes it totally makes sense. if your sister is only going for a weekend could DD accompany her and then stay on after the DNs return?

the thing is you can always plan for another trip at another time but then your sister or other family member will hear about it and then the cogs start whirring and before you know it someone else has poured cold water on your plans. they need to understand where you are coming from for your DD and respect that, not assume they know better.

hope DD gets the trip she deserves OP Flowers