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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has my sister just stolen my daughters holiday?

103 replies

Looby2k · 09/08/2014 01:43

Ok, I'm not happy so this may be a bit scrambled but I need to vent before I tear my family to pieces.
I'm a single mum to three kids. The two youngest have autism and I fear my eldest misses out on stuff because the boys are so full on. My brother and his wife live abroad and about 6 months ago my sil suggested that it send my eldest over to them so that she can do the girly/tomboyish/adventure things that she can't do with her brothers. It was all set.
Then last weekend my sister casually remarked that she was thinking about going over to my brothers a similar time to when my daughter was going and that she would be happy to take my daughter with her and bring her back. I said then that it would defeat the purpose of DD getting respite from her disabled brothers (my sister also has disabled children who she will be taking too) and besides my DD was due back in school before she planned to return. I hoped she would see this from mine and my daughters view.
Tonight I got a text saying she has decided that she is going on that date but "she'll take my DD when she goes back in October"
AIBU to be furious at this? In October the water sport activities that my DD had her heart set on doing will not be operating, the music festival she should be going to will be long finished and she will still be holidaying with my nephews (whom I adore but are not able to participate in adventure activities). DD was so looking forward to her get away from her brothers and just doing things that other kids get to do.
AIBU to see this as my sister stealing daughters holiday?

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 10/08/2014 09:37

Cross post there.

Also don't tell Dsis of DD's flights - just explain she wants to travel alone. Though you have prob already told her.

Original poster
Looby2k · 10/08/2014 11:15

I decided that talking to DD would the best place to start as she really is the only thing I care about in all this mess. I made it clear she can still go if she wanted (despite DSis insinuating that her trip would have to be cancelled) But one of the posters here mentioned PGL. She went on a PGL trip with school and loved it so i let her decide which one she wanted to do.
We sat and went through the website and now she is booked onto a PGL trip for later this month. She is still excited and will still get her 'just her' break which makes me happy.

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 10/08/2014 11:20

Oh, great decision OP, well done!

GingerBlondecat · 10/08/2014 11:34

great update, very happy for this outcome

ChameleonCircuit · 10/08/2014 11:34

I still think your sister is being a selfish grabby cow, and needs telling so. She's just changed the plans made well before hers, and everyone is just pandering to her instead of telling her where to get off!

Hope your DD enjoys her PGL holiday. I heard it's supposed to stand for "parents get lost"!

GingerBlondecat · 10/08/2014 11:35

I do wonder what your Sister will say .

I see what she did as deliberate, for whatever her reasons.

ZenGardener · 10/08/2014 11:36

That's great news! I hope she has a fantastic time.

Is your sister usually like this or do you think she genuinely misunderstood?

saintlyjimjams · 10/08/2014 11:42

Good decision :)

zzzzz · 10/08/2014 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclinatio · 10/08/2014 11:54

Oh, OK, well I guess if DD is happy then it's a good start.

However, what about your Brother & SIL who have made plans for her to come and stay and quite possibly don't know anything about your sister disrupting them. In your brother and sil's place I'd be really upset that you have done this without talking to me - unless I have misunderstood and DD is doing both now?

Original poster
Looby2k · 10/08/2014 11:59

I think DSis probably didn't think it through. She only has the two SN boys. She doesn't have to consider the needs of a NT child along with SN children. But I don't think it's that much of a stretch to actually stop for a second to consider my DD. After all she does like to 'borrow' her to do girl things as she is the only girl child in the family so far. There will be words though as it wasn't a secret that this was supposed to be respite for DD.

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 10/08/2014 13:50

Your DB and SIL deserve huge medals for having so many guests throughout the year.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 10/08/2014 16:11

YANBU, your poor DD needs the chance for respite and that is what SIL invited her for. Your DS is totally out of line to muscle in. Did you speak to your DB before rearranging things? He may well have supported your side and be upset you didn't think he'd get it? Main thing is though that your DD will still get her break and is looking forward to it.

Thumbwitch · 10/08/2014 17:16

Oh I'm so pleased that your DD will get her "self time" after all! And she'll get to do lots of fab outdoor activities too.
Your sister needs a bit of a wake-up boot up the arse, I feel though - otherwise she might try to pull a similar stunt another year. I still can't help feeling she thought she might be able to get some "help" with her own 2 SN boys from your DD, as she knows that your DD would be used to it with her own brothers - if you get even a sniff of this from her when you have words, tell her straight that it's Not On.

queenofthemountain · 10/08/2014 18:07

So have you spoken to your DB yet? He was very kind to offer to have your DD, and you are now cancelling at short notice.

MysteriousCircusZebra · 10/08/2014 18:09

Soun

MysteriousCircusZebra · 10/08/2014 18:09

Sounds like a great solution. Hope your dd has fun.

SanityClause · 10/08/2014 18:15

I'm pleased you managed to sort it out without having to involve your DB and SIL. It wasn't their fault, after all!

I hope your DD has a lovely time, and that you get some respite once in a while as well.

Flowers
toastedmarshmallow · 11/08/2014 08:14

Hope your dd has a fab time at PGL Smile and that your DB is ok about you changing plans, I wouldn't mind if it was my sibling in a similar situation.

angelohsodelight · 11/08/2014 08:19

Have you spoken to you db yet! Odd!

Joysmum · 11/08/2014 08:25

So have you spoken to your DB yet? He was very kind to offer to have your DD, and you are now cancelling at short notice.

Yes that.

Your brother might not understand the significance of the holiday to your DD. Talking to him clarifies your daughters needs so he can take appropriate action should such a conflict come up again in future and also is needed as you've cancelled on him.

Tryharder · 11/08/2014 08:55

Why would you cancel your DD's holiday just because your sister is going?

Your DD can still do all the stuff she wanted to do with your DB and SIL (presumably they were going to do stuff with her). I am also assuming that if your nieces and or nephews with SNs will not be able to do the same stuff and so will not impinge on your DD's enjoyment regardless of whether they are staying in the same house.

I presume your sister feels like she and her DCs are entitled to a holiday too, not just your DD.

In the end, it's upto your DB. Can he accommodate so many people?

zzzzz · 11/08/2014 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saintlyjimjams · 11/08/2014 09:27

Tryharder - do you have disabled siblings? Time apart & away from disability is incredibly important.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/08/2014 09:45

tryharder the sister is going in October, too.

This time should have been for dd to have a break and have her needs put first.

OP, I find it so weird that you would organise a total plan change without even talking to your db! Had he made plans around your dd coming?!