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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Has my sister just stolen my daughters holiday?

103 replies

Looby2k · 09/08/2014 01:43

Ok, I'm not happy so this may be a bit scrambled but I need to vent before I tear my family to pieces.
I'm a single mum to three kids. The two youngest have autism and I fear my eldest misses out on stuff because the boys are so full on. My brother and his wife live abroad and about 6 months ago my sil suggested that it send my eldest over to them so that she can do the girly/tomboyish/adventure things that she can't do with her brothers. It was all set.
Then last weekend my sister casually remarked that she was thinking about going over to my brothers a similar time to when my daughter was going and that she would be happy to take my daughter with her and bring her back. I said then that it would defeat the purpose of DD getting respite from her disabled brothers (my sister also has disabled children who she will be taking too) and besides my DD was due back in school before she planned to return. I hoped she would see this from mine and my daughters view.
Tonight I got a text saying she has decided that she is going on that date but "she'll take my DD when she goes back in October"
AIBU to be furious at this? In October the water sport activities that my DD had her heart set on doing will not be operating, the music festival she should be going to will be long finished and she will still be holidaying with my nephews (whom I adore but are not able to participate in adventure activities). DD was so looking forward to her get away from her brothers and just doing things that other kids get to do.
AIBU to see this as my sister stealing daughters holiday?

OP posts:

CafeAuLaitMerci · 09/08/2014 14:20

Sod that for a game of soldiers. I hope you speak to your DB soon, explain how this will affect DD's enjoyment of the weekend respite she needs and ask him to tell your sister to come another time - I have no idea why you feel you shouldn't do this??

Your DD is the important one in this situation - you and your brother just need to tell your sister that she can't go 'that' weekend.

mrsbrownsgirls · 09/08/2014 14:44

argh I hate it when people gate crash on others' arrangements.
I wd def ask sister nicely to back off from your daughter's planned weekend

queenofthemountain · 09/08/2014 14:54

I am feeling sorry for your poor DB and SIL.
'No good deed goes unpunished'

Kleinzeit · 09/08/2014 15:07

Talk to your brother and SIL. Do they even know about your sister’s plans, have they agreed to them? Will they still be able to take your DD out and about and have fun with her, after all your sister’s children will have your sister and her partner to care for them? Your DD can still travel by herself, she doesn’t have to fit in with your sister.

If you’re worried about saying something and splitting the family apart, I think it’s fine to tell your DSis that your DD wants to travel alone like a grown-up and have a holiday alone with her uncle and aunt, but don't say anything to your sister about wanting a disability-free holiday for your DD. (Think hard before you say that to your brother or SiL too - they may understand but they may not). I absolutely understand why you want that for DD but imagine if the situations were reversed and someone said that to you when you were taking your own family visiting – “sorry but I was hoping to give my own child a disability free weekend so could your family please not come”. How hurt would you feel on your sons’ behalf?

waltermitty both sisters are looking after kids with disabilities. The sister seems to think she’s helping by taking the OP’s DD with her. Neither the OP nor her DSis sound “selfish” to me.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/08/2014 15:10

I said then that it would defeat the purpose of DD getting respite from her disabled brothers (my sister also has disabled children who she will be taking too) and besides my DD was due back in school before she planned to return. I hoped she would see this from mine and my daughters view

I think this makes her sound pretty selfish, since it didn't make her back off!

AnAirOfHope82 · 09/08/2014 15:15

Could you send your ds with your sister and you and dd have a girlie time at home? Jusy one on one?

diddl · 09/08/2014 15:21

I know it will be annoying if your daughter can't get to do what she wants whilst there.

But if your daughter's dates to go & return are set, & your sister is going/returning on different dates, then your daughter's travel dates just stay as they are?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/08/2014 16:01

Have you explained to your sister they way you have here? Surely if you explain how important this time is to your dd then your sis will understand, if you explain the way you have here about how her home life is restricted by younger siblings and going away with younger cousins will be the same... and its what she needs some respite from. Surely she would understand if you spoke to her about it and explained?

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2014 18:30

I (like someone up thread) wonder if Dsis sees this as an opportunity to get the Ops DD to look after her children and she gets the respite.

Not a pleasant thought but I have had it happen to me and seen it happen to others.

MaryWestmacott · 09/08/2014 18:41

Do what CafeAuLaitMerci suggests, your DB needs to be on side, or put him in the position that if your DSIs is going with her DCs then it won't be possible for your DD to have her break, so he has to chose, which one is he going to host as he has to say no to someone, is he saying no to your DD when she asked first?

I would see if you can get the money back from your flights if so and tell him how disappointed you are in him for this if he picks not upsetting your sister over upsetting his DN. Frame it as his choice, but be clear it is a choice, one or the other, he can't pretend he can do both.

George9978 · 09/08/2014 19:09

Be honest, it's ok to tell the truth, your daughters break was booked first and they should back off.

twizzleship · 09/08/2014 19:26

She deserves something special just for her

has anyone asked dd how she feels? explain the situation of sis going to see your brother and make it clear that she won't be doing the activities she had planned. it's important she knows cos if she goes and then finds out it would be awful and crush her.

it's a totally different type of holiday than what you both had planned,it will not be a change from the daily home dynamic with regards to the SEN but if she wants to she can still experience flying 'on her own', visiting a different country, trying/tasting/seeing different things, getting to know other members of the family etc, do you know if your sis plans to do anything other than her daily routine for the time dd would be with her (apart from going to your db)?

it can still be a good experience for her, and you can share your ideas about holiday camps etc with her for next year so she can use this holiday as a 'first' experience of going away on her own -no mum, no dad, no siblings....off on her own on an adventure!

Laquitar · 09/08/2014 19:30

Your sister is cheeky.

Unless your db and sil prefer your sister and your dd to go together. This depends on some factors i.e. how far from the airport do they live and do they have to pick up? Do they work and need to take days off for your dd?

I am speaking as someone who lives abroad (uk in my case) and we have this problem with relatives wanting to visit uk all the bloody time.
I feel for you and dd but also for db and sil.

thenightsky · 09/08/2014 19:46

YANBU. Your poor DD

Not sure how I'd handle it though.

twizzleship · 09/08/2014 20:03

the op isn't saying she was expecting an 'sen-free' holiday for her dd, she is aware her dd will be staying in her sis's house and not in a separate hotel or such other

it's about dd not getting to do any of the activities that she has been lead to believe she was going to do ( courtesy of dsis ) , so dsis is being selfish for her 'actually, i've decided i'm going on holiday instead while you're here so you can't do what we agreed on,you're doing what we choose to do' attitude. she's made it all about herself when that was not the agreed plan.

you can talk to your db but if it were me i wouldn't like the thought of my dsis begrudgingly taking my dd to her activities, because there's no way she's going to be happy that you spoke to db and in effect ruined or 'forced' her to change her plans - cos you know that's how she'll see it, and that would taint the whole exp for your dd

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2014 21:50

I think that its a shame that someone who has (for legitimate reasons) probably always taken a place has lost a chance for their needs to come first.

OneSkinnyChip · 09/08/2014 21:59

Your sister is horrible. I am really cross for you but I do think your DB and SIL should make it clear to her it's not a good time. I would get on the phone to them. Yes it will probably cause a row but your sister is the unreasonable one.

thenightsky · 09/08/2014 22:04

as the last poster says.... your brother and sil need to tell your sister to change her dates as they will be otherwise engaged doing xyz with your DD who has been promised and is looking forward to her ONE BREAK OF THE YEAR!!!

CafeAuLaitMerci · 09/08/2014 22:29

twizzle I think you are mixing everyone up. The OP and her DD are expecting a 'SEN Free' (though that's not how I would have phrased it!) holiday for her as promised, she deserves some 'time out' from coming second to their needs all the time. She was to be staying at the OP's brother & SIL, the 'Sister' (Aunt) is gate crashing with her kids, who have SN's.

The OP's DD deserves this opportunity to be the focus of the attention, to do things without considering the needs of the other children. If it was me I would be making sure she got it, no matter how many waves it created.

twizzleship · 10/08/2014 00:12

ah yes, i see i mixed it up -apologies my revised opinion is tell your sister bluntly she's being a selfish cow, and hopefully your brother will see sense and tell her not to come. if there's any family fall-out make it clear it's her fault

DraggingDownDownDown · 10/08/2014 09:07

Sorry but I am a bit confused.

Is the OP DD going during this summer break but now the aunt has said she can't go and will take her October instead.

"but "she'll take my DD when she goes back in October""

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclinatio · 10/08/2014 09:20

Dragging the DD was going sometime soon (on her own), the sister/aunt is now gatecrashing that time (with her children who have SN's so the DD wont get to have some 'time out' where HER needs/wants come first for a change). The sister/aunt is going both now and in October and is under some illusion (or has an ulterior motive) that she is 'helping' the OP by taking the OP's DD 'with her' when actually the DD was looking forward to doing this on her own... and yes, she does seem to be implying that the OP's DD should go in October with them instead - what's more, the OP seems to be allowing all of this to happen

Frankly, the sister just needs to be told (by the brother) that she can't go this long weekend as they have the OP's DD and they want to spend time alone with her. End of. Except they all seem to be tiptoeing around each other while the other sister walks all over them all... families!

diddl · 10/08/2014 09:28

"Frankly, the sister just needs to be told (by the brother) that she can't go this long weekend"

isn't it up to the brother who visits & when?

Maybe OPs daughter can still do the planned activities?

But if no one talks to anyone, nothing will be solved!

LIZS · 10/08/2014 09:33

I would asked the hosts to prebook dd's activities so that she gets a break from anyone else who decides to come along and she still travels as arranged. Unfortunately you can't really control whether your dsis goes along or not , unless you have a word with dbro and he tells dsis it isn't convenient, but you can at least try to ensure dd gets a taste of the independence you had planned.

doziedoozie · 10/08/2014 09:34

Can't DB accompany DSis and family and DSIL accompany your DD. So that DD gets to do older activities. Perhaps she only needs taken and dropped off anyway.

See what DB says, does he empathise with your problem (or rather your DD's problem of needing some respite fun). Or was he not doing anything for your DD's entertainment so won't understand the problem. Can you go online and book DD into stuff and arrange taxis to it to ensure she goes without DSis and family.

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