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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has my sister just stolen my daughters holiday?

103 replies

Looby2k · 09/08/2014 01:43

Ok, I'm not happy so this may be a bit scrambled but I need to vent before I tear my family to pieces.
I'm a single mum to three kids. The two youngest have autism and I fear my eldest misses out on stuff because the boys are so full on. My brother and his wife live abroad and about 6 months ago my sil suggested that it send my eldest over to them so that she can do the girly/tomboyish/adventure things that she can't do with her brothers. It was all set.
Then last weekend my sister casually remarked that she was thinking about going over to my brothers a similar time to when my daughter was going and that she would be happy to take my daughter with her and bring her back. I said then that it would defeat the purpose of DD getting respite from her disabled brothers (my sister also has disabled children who she will be taking too) and besides my DD was due back in school before she planned to return. I hoped she would see this from mine and my daughters view.
Tonight I got a text saying she has decided that she is going on that date but "she'll take my DD when she goes back in October"
AIBU to be furious at this? In October the water sport activities that my DD had her heart set on doing will not be operating, the music festival she should be going to will be long finished and she will still be holidaying with my nephews (whom I adore but are not able to participate in adventure activities). DD was so looking forward to her get away from her brothers and just doing things that other kids get to do.
AIBU to see this as my sister stealing daughters holiday?

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 09/08/2014 05:38

Sounds to me like your sister might have actually planned it to coincide with your DD's trip, so that she could get her to "help" with her cousin, maybe?

Thing is though, if your sis and her DH and DS are all going, then why should your DB and DSIL need to go along with them on whatever activities they choose? Why can they not do separate activities, your DB and DSIL taking your own DD, and your sister going off with her own family to do other stuff?

I really don't see why they all have to "hang out" together, thus restricting your DD's holiday experience. Your sister has chosen to do this at the same time as your DD (for whatever reason) so she can't expect to "come first" in terms of getting to pick what everyone does, IMO.

MrsWombat · 09/08/2014 06:56

I would clarify with your Brother and SIL exactly what is happening, and what your daughter will be doing while over there and who with.

angelohsodelight · 09/08/2014 07:15

Call your db and make it clear why your dd is going. Don't let your dsis manipulate the situation.

misanthropologist · 09/08/2014 07:57

I don't think it's DB's wife (SIL) that's the problem, it's the OP's own sister getting her nose in and if it were me I would have a word with DB quick as anything, and tell him about the purpose of the trip being a respite, and how the timing of sister's trip (decided on AFTER the timing of your DDs) just won't work for you because of the non-respite and school-timing issues, and the October date is CERTAINLY not a substitute because of the lack of activities.

And then, OP, I would harken back a good thirty-mumble years ago and tell your sister "UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE" and either enjoy the silence or print out and markup with red pen the hysterical email you're sure to receive. Be sure to enjoy some Cake, Flowers, and a nice hot Brew while you do so. Oh, and quite a lot of Wine before you begin.

toastedmarshmallow · 09/08/2014 08:08

If you do end up looking for something else for your DD have you considered something like pgl? They've got massive discounts at the moment.
I feel for your dd sounds like she would really benefit from some respite.

Dubjackeen · 09/08/2014 09:15

As others have suggested, I'd say, get on the phone to your brother and SIL asap. Explain that you wanted your daughter to have a chance to do some fun things without worrying about, or having to go along with younger family members. Even if your sister still goes ahead with her plans, I'm sure your brother and SIL will do their best to give your daughter a nice holiday, if you explain to them, and mention the particular things she had been looking forward to taking part in.

Castlemilk · 09/08/2014 09:33

Talk to your brother and really, really be upfront.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2014 09:34

I hope you get this sorted. I'm not surprised you're upset.

Meanwhile on another thread we have a little madam trying to ruin her family's holiday. It makes me feel so sad for your daughter who deserves a break.

Good luck.

diddl · 09/08/2014 09:54

Talk to your brother and sil!

Surely it's up to them who visits & when!

hamptoncourt · 09/08/2014 10:00

Can you not just change the weekend that DD goes? So it is a weekend your sister isn't going?

Do not discuss it with your sister at all, just communicate with your DB and stress to him that you want DD to be there when DSIS isn't.

Good luck Thanks

maddening · 09/08/2014 10:01

Ask your db if dd will still be able to do x,y and z activities as otherwise you will be able to plan more for her at home rather than just dn activities ?

justmyview · 09/08/2014 10:03

If you've already booked and paid for flights for DD, you may as well send her. Could you ask DB or SIL to try to spend some time with DD on her own, so she gets to do some fun stuff as previously planned.

I think perhaps DB and SIL are more to blame, for altering the plans by allowing additional visitors. I think it's a bit unfair to pin all the blame on your DSis

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 09/08/2014 10:15

I think you should also use the experience of flying alone being a really important part of the trip for your DD. Good for her confidence and good for her to be concentrating on looking after her own needs and independence.

Perhaps your Dsis is thinking that her own children haven't had as much of a holiday this year, but then it is good to do that sometimes and they can go in October.

BarbarianMum · 09/08/2014 10:18

So far we have no idea of what the db and his wife have or haven't done as nobody has spoken to them yet. This is surely the first step. Talk to them OP and explain your fears.

saintlyjimjams · 09/08/2014 10:22

Yanbu - talk to your brother.

Ds2 went on a week activity holiday this year (will do the same for ds3 when older - & I did take him away for a few days while ds2 was away). It did both of them good to get a break from their severely autistic brother for a bit.

Thumbwitch · 09/08/2014 11:26

justmyview - it appears that the OP's sister has done all this without discussing it with the OP's brother, so it's hardly more their fault - it's entirely the sister's selfishness at fault here.

queenofthemountain · 09/08/2014 12:58

I totally understand why you are so pissed off but just step back a moment
Your DB and SIL are being very kind and hospitable having people to stay and entertaining them.You cannot abuse this by ringing up and imposing conditions, moaning about your DSIS and putting them in a difficult position with her.It is rude and ungracious.It will at best cause them a lot of stress and at worst make them throw the towel in and say nobody comes in future.

tattyteddy · 09/08/2014 13:44

Sorry if this has already been asked OP but do you get any support from your Local Council? If not would this be something you would want to look into? Children's Disability Teams, may be able to provide respite for you and DD - if it would be something you're interested in.

DeWee · 09/08/2014 13:49

I understand why you are upset. I was irritated when bil requested that my dc had their "gran" time when he was staying with his wife and toddler once he'd noticed that they could be set to look after the toddler and so they didn't have to. I just said no and pointed out that the whole idea of them staying with mil was for them to have time on their own, not to be unpaid babysitters

However surely what's happened is your sister has phoned your brother up and said "we've got this weekend off, we'd love to come and see you" and your brother (not realising how you feel) said "oh that'll be lovely, dn is here too, so you'll see her too."
Your sister then thinking she's doing you a favour offers to come with her thinking you'll appreciate her looking after your dd.

It doesn't sound deliberate at all, and your sister may not be able to rearrange without losing money either.

I would just check with the SIL that she's still planning on doing the things with dd, and mention that you're worried they'll be curtailed due to the other cousins.

mumbocrumble · 09/08/2014 13:59

YANBU at all. Be upfront with your brother AND your sister. Your DD needs this break, your sister will survive without another holiday. Fight for your DD.

mumbocrumble · 09/08/2014 14:01

YANBU at all. Be upfront with your brother AND your sister. Your DD needs this break, your sister will survive without another holiday. Fight for your DD.

Viviennemary · 09/08/2014 14:04

YANBU. As far as you were concerned the arrangements for the holiday were made and she shouldn't be changing them now. You are right to be annoyed. It's a nerve!

MysteriousCircusZebra · 09/08/2014 14:05

I would speak to your brother and explain all this. Be upfront and explain how important it is to dd. See what he says.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/08/2014 14:08

You need to speak to your DB.

I'd hope that he'd be willing to put his foot down on this considering the circumstances.

Is your sister always this selfish? I would be willing to kick up a shit storm about this!

zzzzz · 09/08/2014 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.