Breastfeeding on Cross Country trains - a horrid experiance

[Paulala]

Hello ladies, I'm a first time poster & a first time mum so apologies if I introduce myself by way of a horrid experience but I'd like to know if you think I'm being unreasonable.

I've just taken my first train journey with my 7 month old boy, we were travelling alone to Derby with everything we needed for a week on a Cross Country train. Everything was going ok until we returned to our seat from a nappy change. The nappy change itself was quite upsetting for him, being strapped to a table in a moving urine soaked metal cubical isn't very pleasant, but I hadn't expected a lot from the facilities.

I intended to give him a breastfeed at our seat but when we got there the seat beside us was occupied (we were in a set on 2 seats not a table of 4). I asked the man sitting in the seat if it would be possible for him to move to one of the single vacant seats 3 rows up just while I breastfed so I could have a little bit of privacy. He said No & stated that was the seat he was allocated why should he move.

I asked him again saying my baby needed to be fed, he was hungry & distressed & there were empty seats in view he could use. He said I should move there instead, this really wouldn't have helped as they were single aisle seats & would have meant I'd have to feed even more publicly. I was so upset I asked him if he expected me to breastfeed in the seat beside him with him watching & he just shrugged his shoulders.

At this point everyone close by was aware of the situation & I'm still standing in the aisle with an upset baby, this man hasn't even got up to allow us to sit down. The ticket inspector then arrives & I explain to him that the man in the seat beside us is causing a lot of distress with his insistence on sitting there while I breastfed. Anyone who's traveled by train will know neighbouring seats offer no prospect of personal space.

I fully understand his right to the seat he booked but both he & I could see other seats he could have taken until I stopped feeding then he could have returned to the seat he booked when we finished. I'm sure many men would have been totally ok with doing that. Instead he was nasty & snarly & the thought of him watching me feed my baby in such a tight space was horrible. I had no option but to ask the ticket inspector to help me find another seat & to help me move all my things, we would also need the assistant at Derby station to be made aware we'd be on another carriage. All because this man would not move 3 rows up.

Still seating stubbornly in his seat the man recognised how upset he'd made me & stated loudly to everyone, right I'll move & asked the guard what he was going to do about it. The guard then said we'll sit you in first class sir don't worry about it you will be ok there. I couldn't believe it he'd made me suffer through a very public request to breastfeed privately (or as private as I could be) he'd initially insisted he would not move while I did so & left me feeling like I shouldn't be breastfeeding on a train, all while I stood with a distressed baby in a moving carriage while everyone watched. When the man eventually moved I sat & fed my baby & cried it was the worst breastfeeding experience I've ever had.

I have to travel back next week with the same train company & I'm dreading it, I can't express milk & I'm really worried something similar will happen again. I think trains should have a breastfeeding policy which recognises a womans need for privacy and a bit of respect. Not a system where men are rewarded for making women feel bad about the need to feed their babies. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Cheers ladies,
Paula

So now he was a pervert who grunted at your breasts? Words fail me.

@ wonder norks!!

I am so glad you didn't call him that to his face op.

You could be in a lot of trouble.

Op, this is a tricky one! Either my hubby or I - or most of our friends - would have moved at the first request. It wasn't going to be for long, so wasn't likely to cause an issue with other reserved seats. However I think this man was well within his rights to refuse, and it was wrong to keep asking.

I also thing the inspector handled it well - moving you to first class probably wouldn't have helped as there was surely no guarantee of privacy there either - by moving the man, the op was guaranteed the privacy she wanted and the man was satisfied at the outcome - so surely a win win situation. Also it sounds like moving you was the simpler option, with you requiring so much assistance.

I hope you take on board the advice on here for your return journey to avoid a repeat of this as it has clearly upset you greatly.

Loving wonder norks.

I would have sat down in my seat and fed my baby so think YWBU to ask him to move and make a big thing of it. I may have put it to him that he might prefer to move temporarily for his own comfort, but would never have expected someone else to move from their seat.

I know it's difficult, I have stood with a distressed baby while I felt too awkward to do what I needed to, but really that is something you have to learn to deal with, it gets easier the more you do it. If challenged while feeding then you would 100% be in the right.

I think that if you didn't feel you had enough room or would be embarrassed then maybe you should have asked the guard if it was possible to accommodate you somewhere else temporarily whilst you fed the baby, I think that would have been reasonable. Then the onus is on the train company to help, not just another punter minding his own business, grouchy though he evidently was.

I feel sorry for that man! He must have been mortified at the accusation that he wanted to watch you breastfeeding, when the poor bloke just wanted to sit in peace in the seat he'd booked!

Oh for goodness sake, YABU - I bf all my dcs everywhere and anywhere including right in front of my FIL and he wasn't even aware of what I was doing.

Were you stripping to the waist or something? Breast feeding can be discreet - it looks like you're just cuddling your dc. I think this whole issue is more about your issues/ confidence and less to do with the bloke.

And a flounce because you haven't got the answer you wanted - I love those!

Get a car. Seriously.

Oh goodness me! Bit of drip feeding there, now he's a perv and a misogynist?

Dear me. No wonder people end up objecting to women breastfeeding in public if they get labelled in this way simply because someone wants to do it near them!

I thought you came on the thread asking if you were being unreasonable. The general consensus is that you were, given the circumstances you gave. There was no talk of grunting at your norks until you were told you were unreasonable.

Then the karma thing - what a load of tosh, it doesn't exist in my opinion.

And then a flounce! I'd suggest AIBU is not the place for you and I know you will be reading this. And you know I know

Whose that daft bint who thinks every man falls in love with her because she's do beautiful. Is is Sam something.

Similar tendencies.

FFS. I breastfed my three day old on a flip down seat on a bus in full view of all last week. Get a grip.

He was grunting at your breasts? Did you have themout whilst you were stood talking to him?!

Three day olds do not have a discrete latching technique by the way

Ooooh. Now he's "a pervert"? Is that because he didn't do as you demanded when you caused a scene (and yes, you did cause a scene if your OP is accurate)? Because rather than getting the seat that you wanted but were not entitled to he got moved to first class?

Or because the majority of posters have said YABU?

A right to breastfeed is exactly that. You had it. There is no right to breastfeed in a single seat, a double seat, a seat with a cashmere cover or a seat without another occupant in the next.

Get over it.

Adsy - by all accounts by the end of the conversation that pervert was drooling and shoving the baby out of the was to get the first sip from the wonder norks himself

You post on AIBU and then get upset when on balance most people say you ARE being unreasonable.

I don't think the guy needed to move. If there were other free seats and you wanted more room or privacy then you were the one you should've done so. Plus you were already on your feet.

I can understand why the guard moved the guy to 1st class rather than you. Who's to say you would've had the required privacy in 1st class? Or wouldn't then have asked people to move there too? At least you then had the required 2 free seats where you were originally sitting - which had been the basis of your original request.

I breastfed ds until he was 13 months old. That included on trains, planes, Greek ferries, airports, restaurants..... I didn't feel that anyone was perving me and never felt I was exposing myself. In fact, most people didn't even realise I was breast feeding.

Oh dear at the over embellishment in the Flounce post