Breastfeeding on Cross Country trains - a horrid experiance

[Paulala]

Hello ladies, I'm a first time poster & a first time mum so apologies if I introduce myself by way of a horrid experience but I'd like to know if you think I'm being unreasonable.

I've just taken my first train journey with my 7 month old boy, we were travelling alone to Derby with everything we needed for a week on a Cross Country train. Everything was going ok until we returned to our seat from a nappy change. The nappy change itself was quite upsetting for him, being strapped to a table in a moving urine soaked metal cubical isn't very pleasant, but I hadn't expected a lot from the facilities.

I intended to give him a breastfeed at our seat but when we got there the seat beside us was occupied (we were in a set on 2 seats not a table of 4). I asked the man sitting in the seat if it would be possible for him to move to one of the single vacant seats 3 rows up just while I breastfed so I could have a little bit of privacy. He said No & stated that was the seat he was allocated why should he move.

I asked him again saying my baby needed to be fed, he was hungry & distressed & there were empty seats in view he could use. He said I should move there instead, this really wouldn't have helped as they were single aisle seats & would have meant I'd have to feed even more publicly. I was so upset I asked him if he expected me to breastfeed in the seat beside him with him watching & he just shrugged his shoulders.

At this point everyone close by was aware of the situation & I'm still standing in the aisle with an upset baby, this man hasn't even got up to allow us to sit down. The ticket inspector then arrives & I explain to him that the man in the seat beside us is causing a lot of distress with his insistence on sitting there while I breastfed. Anyone who's traveled by train will know neighbouring seats offer no prospect of personal space.

I fully understand his right to the seat he booked but both he & I could see other seats he could have taken until I stopped feeding then he could have returned to the seat he booked when we finished. I'm sure many men would have been totally ok with doing that. Instead he was nasty & snarly & the thought of him watching me feed my baby in such a tight space was horrible. I had no option but to ask the ticket inspector to help me find another seat & to help me move all my things, we would also need the assistant at Derby station to be made aware we'd be on another carriage. All because this man would not move 3 rows up.

Still seating stubbornly in his seat the man recognised how upset he'd made me & stated loudly to everyone, right I'll move & asked the guard what he was going to do about it. The guard then said we'll sit you in first class sir don't worry about it you will be ok there. I couldn't believe it he'd made me suffer through a very public request to breastfeed privately (or as private as I could be) he'd initially insisted he would not move while I did so & left me feeling like I shouldn't be breastfeeding on a train, all while I stood with a distressed baby in a moving carriage while everyone watched. When the man eventually moved I sat & fed my baby & cried it was the worst breastfeeding experience I've ever had.

I have to travel back next week with the same train company & I'm dreading it, I can't express milk & I'm really worried something similar will happen again. I think trains should have a breastfeeding policy which recognises a womans need for privacy and a bit of respect. Not a system where men are rewarded for making women feel bad about the need to feed their babies. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Cheers ladies,
Paula

YWNBU to asks but everything else after that I think YWBU and entitled. What if the train was packed and there were no spare seats? Would you expect the man to stand? Next time book first class or two seats.

However, I'm really sorry you had a horrible experience. I hope your train ride home is better.

I think you probably came across badly OP, which is why the guard moved the man to first class.

If he'd thought the man was an arse and you were justified, he'd have moved you.

Next time book two seats if you want two seats.

Surfsup

I teach my children that bf is normal. My older dss saw me bf their sisters.

No big deal.

I teach my children to be kind and considerate.

I don't tell them to be entitled or think everyone else should inconvenience themselves to accommodate them.

You should have asked him if he would mind, if not just got on with it, if he felt uncomfortable it's up to him to sort himself out. I would have thought after 7 months of bf'ing you have got used to not always having your 'personal space' to do so?

Oh dear, if you don't travel on trains a lot then perhaps you didn't realise that it's not just a matter of moving to a seat that looks free- it may well not be free later in the journey and then the person has lost their seat.

I can't see why you didn't move to the free seats for your feed, then nipped back in next to the man.

The advice on booking an adult plus child ticket is excellent, but I would check this does actually mean you can have a child allocated seat.

How stressful though, I think you got caught up in a situation, were quite stressed and anxious yourself about feeding and perhaps didn't think through the implications of your request.

Hindsight is an amazing thing. I also hope the return journey goes more smoothly, although you will only have the seat you paid for and nothing more private than that.

I think it's a difficult situation, and it isn't surprising you were upset.

But the man was within his rights to refuse to move, and I think you should have just accepted that. It's not the train company's fault either. They can't provide private facilities, it's just not possible in that environment.

I have had to feed on crowded trains and planes, and it is embarrassing and awkward to be trying to discreetly latch a baby on - particularly an older baby that is more likely to snap off to look at their surroundings and end up flashing you, when you are also pressed up against the arm of the man next to you. But it has to be done. I used to turn my back if there was someone in the seat next to me, and face the window.

If the person next to you seems hostile or unfriendly, of course it is going to be really difficult. But I think you should probably have just moved to a spare seat.

I hope the journey back goes better.

To be fair to the OP, she did explain that all the free seats were 'singles' next to other people and the aisle, so her moving would have decreased her privacy (as her allocated seat was next to the window).

I still think YABU, though, OP.

totally supportive of other women bf fun and it wouldn't bother me a jot. Probably the last thing on earth thisan cared about was the op bf opposite him. My dh wouldn't have cared a rats ass.

However I think he would be a tad annoyed at being g asked to move seats and then been accused of being a pervert!

No one was stopping the op bf or making remarks or anything g negative at all.

There was no problem at all here until the op caused the problem and drama.

Let me give you the benefit of some old lady Bathsheba wisdom - its a great philosophy for all time.

Never Plan To Inconvenience Anyone Else...

So

You plan to take your baby on a train - great plan.
You plan to breastfeed your baby on the train - again, great plan..
How are you practically going to do that

a) Just discreetly latch baby on, probably no-one will even notice, happy fed baby - great plan
b) If someone sits beside me, I'll ask them to move seats so I can have room and privacy - UH OH...!!!!!!!!! BAD Plan - it inconveniences someone else...

Other similar scenarios

How do you plan to change baby
a) take a full changing mat/anti bac set up - I know train loos can be a bit horrid but I can plan to make the most of a bad situation by being clean and quick - Good Plan
b) I'll get a table seat and chance baby on the table - Nope, that would be a bad plan....that would inconvenience other people

What is baby cries
a) - I have a full range of things that I know comfort baby, inclucing bfing, my special rocking/bum patting regime, but I can set my pram up at the carriage end with a little bit more space and rock her in her pram as that usually works - Good plan
b) - I'll put my ipod on and let her wail - bad plan, it inconveniences other people

Now, of course you never planned scenarios 2 and 3 - I'm just using them as further examples of good planning vs bad planning.

Wow - labelling that man as trying to make you feel bad about yourself and breastfeeding.....get a grip! If you were acting that way towards my DH or DS then I would have taken you to task about it.

The need for privacy was yours not his (or indeed anyone else's on the train) so you should take responsibility for that.

I also think some posters don't travel by train and so don't understand the seating allocation. Seats might look free but are in reality booked so may fill up at the next station with their allocated passengers.

I wouldn't move for anyone. Sorry if you want a seat for your child then book one, I used to.

She expected other people to go out of their way
Moving a couple of metres to help someone else doesn't count as "going out of their way" in my book. Just common decency.
If the train had been packed she would have had no choice, but there WAS a choice and she asked for help. He could daily have helped but chose not to. Sad.

Easily not daily!!

Sorry, but I feel YABU.

I was expecting a thread about someone who wanted to breastfeed and got hassle for doing so. Instead we have a thread about someone who wanted to breastfeed, nobody minded in the slightest but nobody wanted to bend over backwards either.

Whilst I acknowledge that it sounds like the man could have easily moved, which is relevant, on principle he did nothing wrong and you could have just got on with it, and he may not have even noticed.

As it turned out when you did eventually start breastfeeding absolutely everybody knew what you were doing, and you felt even worse.

You cant turn back the clock but its perhaps a better idea to breastfeed first, then deal with any issues that arise along the way as none may arise.

YABVU, if you didn't want him nearby you should have moved. Why should he give up his paid for seat? Sheer madness to expect privacy on a train, do you demand a cleared room in cafés etc too?

Just to recap for those who missed it. There were no private spaces but there were lots of single aisle seats not more than 5 steps away, these would have been harder to bf from. I asked him quietly, kindly & discretely. He made me stand for the entire 5 min exchange while actually talking or rather grunting at my breasts. He made the issue public not me. The man was a pervert & a misogynist who clearly got off on belittling me infront of the carriage.

There's obviously very little support on a place like this the vast majority of you are really nasty people so i'll just leave you all now to flop around in the bad karma you created. Say what you want i'll never read it.

Paula out!

YABU, why should someone move seats just because you want to BF? I BF but would never have expected anyone to move. If I wanted more privacy I would have moved.

M sure he would've made a point of not looking. I used to sneak my baby the odd bottle of formula for situations like that.

I don't think he should've been upgraded to first class though

You will cringe at how you acted in years to come- I promise