Breastfeeding on Cross Country trains - a horrid experiance

[Paulala]

Hello ladies, I'm a first time poster & a first time mum so apologies if I introduce myself by way of a horrid experience but I'd like to know if you think I'm being unreasonable.

I've just taken my first train journey with my 7 month old boy, we were travelling alone to Derby with everything we needed for a week on a Cross Country train. Everything was going ok until we returned to our seat from a nappy change. The nappy change itself was quite upsetting for him, being strapped to a table in a moving urine soaked metal cubical isn't very pleasant, but I hadn't expected a lot from the facilities.

I intended to give him a breastfeed at our seat but when we got there the seat beside us was occupied (we were in a set on 2 seats not a table of 4). I asked the man sitting in the seat if it would be possible for him to move to one of the single vacant seats 3 rows up just while I breastfed so I could have a little bit of privacy. He said No & stated that was the seat he was allocated why should he move.

I asked him again saying my baby needed to be fed, he was hungry & distressed & there were empty seats in view he could use. He said I should move there instead, this really wouldn't have helped as they were single aisle seats & would have meant I'd have to feed even more publicly. I was so upset I asked him if he expected me to breastfeed in the seat beside him with him watching & he just shrugged his shoulders.

At this point everyone close by was aware of the situation & I'm still standing in the aisle with an upset baby, this man hasn't even got up to allow us to sit down. The ticket inspector then arrives & I explain to him that the man in the seat beside us is causing a lot of distress with his insistence on sitting there while I breastfed. Anyone who's traveled by train will know neighbouring seats offer no prospect of personal space.

I fully understand his right to the seat he booked but both he & I could see other seats he could have taken until I stopped feeding then he could have returned to the seat he booked when we finished. I'm sure many men would have been totally ok with doing that. Instead he was nasty & snarly & the thought of him watching me feed my baby in such a tight space was horrible. I had no option but to ask the ticket inspector to help me find another seat & to help me move all my things, we would also need the assistant at Derby station to be made aware we'd be on another carriage. All because this man would not move 3 rows up.

Still seating stubbornly in his seat the man recognised how upset he'd made me & stated loudly to everyone, right I'll move & asked the guard what he was going to do about it. The guard then said we'll sit you in first class sir don't worry about it you will be ok there. I couldn't believe it he'd made me suffer through a very public request to breastfeed privately (or as private as I could be) he'd initially insisted he would not move while I did so & left me feeling like I shouldn't be breastfeeding on a train, all while I stood with a distressed baby in a moving carriage while everyone watched. When the man eventually moved I sat & fed my baby & cried it was the worst breastfeeding experience I've ever had.

I have to travel back next week with the same train company & I'm dreading it, I can't express milk & I'm really worried something similar will happen again. I think trains should have a breastfeeding policy which recognises a womans need for privacy and a bit of respect. Not a system where men are rewarded for making women feel bad about the need to feed their babies. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Cheers ladies,
Paula

Op has just put breast feeding in public back years. Can't believe she calls that poor man such rude words. Makes you wonder if there is more to this than she's letting on. However sounds like a good ticket man as he dealt with the situation by removing the poor man from this horrible experience.

Wondering if this is Cedar Falls lady ...

Firstly, I think it's out of order that you've named the train company. It's like you almost expected a flurry of MNers to leap to your defence and start bombarding the company on social media.
Secondly, having travelled by train often, I completely understand why the man wasn't happy to move and don't think you should have caused a scene.
Then, this bloke goes from possibly (depending on POV) being a bit unhelpful to a scum of the earth lecherous pervert. But only when people disagree with you.
You've not made yourself look fantastic, and not done anything to help women who would like to breastfeed in public.

Paula has far bigger problems I feel

YABU. The man was not at all bothered about sitting next to a breast feeding woman. By his shrug he sounds like he wasn't that interested in what you did so I don't know why you didn't just sit down and get on with it. How much worse it would have been if he had complained about you breastfeeding next to him. Seems like a great big fuss about nothing - what if there hadn't been any empty seats?

Just thinking that I know a number of blokes that would avoid eye contact and mumble when faced with a flailing, leaking and unreasonable mother clutching her PFB to her maternal norks.
Sheer embarrassment combined with an unwillingness to be manipulated.

I have nrtft but had to day YABVVU!!

I travelled a lot with my dd as a baby and bf her as and when she needed it and never expected anyone to accommodate me. Bf throughout several plane journeys sat next to men and never once assumed they were perving over my titifers!

For their sake more than mine I used to have a blanket to shield myself. I am very pro bf but wouldn't dream of asking anyone to accommodate me. You choose to bf and travel...get on with it.

Grrrr now off to read the thread.

I have nrtft but had to day YABVVU!!

I travelled a lot with my dd as a baby and bf her as and when she needed it and never expected anyone to accommodate me. Bf throughout several plane journeys sat next to men and never once assumed they were perving over my titifers!

For their sake more than mine I used to have a blanket to shield myself. I am very pro bf but wouldn't dream of asking anyone to accommodate me. You choose to bf and travel...get on with it.

Grrrr now off to read the thread.

if you're going to breastfeed on a train then you just do it! really sorry but yabu!

Just heard on the radio there is going to be massive delays on the railways from now until next March. Ticket prices are going up 23% and all the rolling stock needs to be upgraded.

All trains now need a large, lockable, hourly cleaned breast feeding room - not a changing room as who wants their lunch in a toilet.

Of course a good 50% of breast feeding mums would happily feed in their seats, and see no need to use this room on all trains - so it will only be used by about 0.5% of the population who are actually quite infrequent train users in the first place...

Ehm - No

Poor bloke! what a horrible experience that must have been for him!
I hope he enjoyed the rest of his journey in first class.

This is a classic DM sad face front page story in the offing.

Don't ever go on a plane then! I'll never forget the wave effect on the young lads in the row in front of me (presumably en route to Maga) when I bf dd. I think they only actually saw some shoulder, but word obviously spread.

I certainly wouldn't have asked them, or the air stewards who were constantly barging past, to give me some privacy. If People's heads are marvellous things; they can swivel in all directions.

You were the one who felt uncomfortable then you should be the one moved. YABU breastfeeding doesn't give you a trump card over everyone else's needs.

Well after that spectacular flounce i'm glad grunting man got upgraded.

I doubt he was a pervert, i don't think men get off on women breastfeeding. He was probably grunting because he was embarrassed and trying to avoid the conflict.

YABU btw. What if you had been on a plane? you wouldn't have been allowed to turf anyone out of their seat.

Sorry yabu and I say that as a pro bfeeder who has bfed for ten years.

I have also fed on trains and it is a pita being squashed in a seat next to someone but I wouldn't ask someone to move out of their seat!

With ds1 who was a wriggle and very distractable baby I went and Sat on the floor between the two carriages so I was out the way. Not the best but it was ok. Once I had the other madthings I made do as I couldn't leave them Sat on their own whilst I went off to feed the little one.

I always use family and friends railcard and book seats for myself and the madthings even the ones under five so we have space, I dud just this the other week travelling across country to Manchester. With an almost 5 hour journey I make sure to book seats and no I wouldn't move out of seats I have booked and paid for.

If you wanted privacy you should have moved yourself.

Aibu?

Fuck off you bitches, you're all wrong and I'm right.

that man sounds like an utter tosser.

I am actually impressed with the OP for asking him to move. I have been in that situation, did not feel able to bf so close to a strange man (I mean it is really, really, close! If you stick your elbow out enough to put the baby's head on, your arm is over the seat rest and in his chest - it is far, far too close, not because I can't bf in public but because in adjacent train seats it feels like you might as well be in bed with the guy), could not see anything else to do, so sat in the luggage rack bf-ing (which is still in public but not in anyone's face) because, to be honest, I would have found it as hard to ask someone to move as to get on with it where I was. I really tried, by the way. I sat there for a good while telling myself "just do it! just do it!" - but I couldn't.

It was very uncomfortable in the luggage rack, I'm not sure if it was safe, and I felt like a right divvy and rather guilty for putting some sort of social embarrassment above my baby. So my thoughts on reading this OP were that I was impressed with the OP for just asking for what she needed, and I think the man who wouldn't move is an arsehole. No, he doesn't have to move, but a person who wouldn't move for a reason like that is just being ridiculous. It is just like swapping seats with someone with a cast who needs to stick their leg into the aisle. You just would, unless there is something wrong with you.

the fact that the conductor basically rewarded this man for being an arsehole is terrible.

A hypothesis:

• the op is getting a rough ride because she spelt "experience" wrong in the thread title, which stimulated the "superiority / aggression" synapses which are a peculiar part of some AIBU posters' brain anatomy (imagine me pointing to coloured patches of brain scans with a long pointy white stick - "here you can see how in certain cases this area of the "mumsnet cortex" lights up in response to a spelling mistake or a mention of housing benefit. the normal human brain shows no reaction at all, but in these AIBU regulars you can see a definite colour change which denotes an aggressive response")

Thanks this is hilarious - like everyone I sympathise with the OP's fellow passenger. I've breastfed on packed tubes at rush hour and never seen anyone pervy trying to scope out my boobs .

We once saw a serious flouncer on a train up to Scotland. She had taken her DD out of her pram, it was on one of those pendolino trains it had just pulled into a station and was very busy (Bank holiday or something). The wobbliness of the train and all her stuff in the aisle caused a man to trip as he tried to get into the carriage to take up his reserved seat. She went absolutely beserk screaming "You are a horrible fat fucker who is trying to crush my precious tiny,tiny baby and push her through the window. She could've been killed." Her poor DH was mortified and she went on and on about how overweight the poor chap was and said she was getting off the train and going home. Everyone in the carriage sided with the other passenger and asked him if he was ok following that veritable ear-bashing. They were also lovely about our two DC but it created an awful atmosphere.

[Grin] the body! What happened after that poor man had a milky shower?

Funny how many threads get started on such inflammatory topics that are guaranteed to get a massive reaction by an OP who doesn't actually get involved in the discussion, isn't it?

And somehow some new posters always manage to find AIBU for their first post too...

How interesting.

In the purpose of saying something slightly constructive relating to the debate, YABU. I can't imagine its a barrell of laughs trying to breastfeed on a busy train, but you knew you were going on a train for a few hours during which your baby would probably need feeding, so if you know you'll want privacy then either book two seats together or take along a scarf or something to help provide privacy.

Just the same way that if you're going on a long train journey and you're formula feeding, you take carton formula so you don't need to warm it up, or if you can't see online the trains have baby changing facilities, you take a travel mat and/or blankets so you can try and change the baby in the toilets, not on your lap.