Breastfeeding on Cross Country trains - a horrid experiance

[Paulala]

Hello ladies, I'm a first time poster & a first time mum so apologies if I introduce myself by way of a horrid experience but I'd like to know if you think I'm being unreasonable.

I've just taken my first train journey with my 7 month old boy, we were travelling alone to Derby with everything we needed for a week on a Cross Country train. Everything was going ok until we returned to our seat from a nappy change. The nappy change itself was quite upsetting for him, being strapped to a table in a moving urine soaked metal cubical isn't very pleasant, but I hadn't expected a lot from the facilities.

I intended to give him a breastfeed at our seat but when we got there the seat beside us was occupied (we were in a set on 2 seats not a table of 4). I asked the man sitting in the seat if it would be possible for him to move to one of the single vacant seats 3 rows up just while I breastfed so I could have a little bit of privacy. He said No & stated that was the seat he was allocated why should he move.

I asked him again saying my baby needed to be fed, he was hungry & distressed & there were empty seats in view he could use. He said I should move there instead, this really wouldn't have helped as they were single aisle seats & would have meant I'd have to feed even more publicly. I was so upset I asked him if he expected me to breastfeed in the seat beside him with him watching & he just shrugged his shoulders.

At this point everyone close by was aware of the situation & I'm still standing in the aisle with an upset baby, this man hasn't even got up to allow us to sit down. The ticket inspector then arrives & I explain to him that the man in the seat beside us is causing a lot of distress with his insistence on sitting there while I breastfed. Anyone who's traveled by train will know neighbouring seats offer no prospect of personal space.

I fully understand his right to the seat he booked but both he & I could see other seats he could have taken until I stopped feeding then he could have returned to the seat he booked when we finished. I'm sure many men would have been totally ok with doing that. Instead he was nasty & snarly & the thought of him watching me feed my baby in such a tight space was horrible. I had no option but to ask the ticket inspector to help me find another seat & to help me move all my things, we would also need the assistant at Derby station to be made aware we'd be on another carriage. All because this man would not move 3 rows up.

Still seating stubbornly in his seat the man recognised how upset he'd made me & stated loudly to everyone, right I'll move & asked the guard what he was going to do about it. The guard then said we'll sit you in first class sir don't worry about it you will be ok there. I couldn't believe it he'd made me suffer through a very public request to breastfeed privately (or as private as I could be) he'd initially insisted he would not move while I did so & left me feeling like I shouldn't be breastfeeding on a train, all while I stood with a distressed baby in a moving carriage while everyone watched. When the man eventually moved I sat & fed my baby & cried it was the worst breastfeeding experience I've ever had.

I have to travel back next week with the same train company & I'm dreading it, I can't express milk & I'm really worried something similar will happen again. I think trains should have a breastfeeding policy which recognises a womans need for privacy and a bit of respect. Not a system where men are rewarded for making women feel bad about the need to feed their babies. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Cheers ladies,
Paula

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

You should have simply sat somewhere else to feed.

Be it first class if necessary and been firm about it.

The guard then said we'll sit you in first class sir don't worry about it you will be ok there.

It seems the guard had little sympathy with you, and could have initially immediately put YOU in first but instead decided to reward this man with first.

You could complain about that.

[kazza446]

Sorry, but I think yabu in this situation. Bf does not give you the right to take precedence over anyone else. If you weren't confident in feeding in front of the man and you knew seats in front were free you should have moved yourself.
I always take a blanket with me just in case I need privacy but tbh I always find ways and means to be discreet when feeding and very rarely use it. I've fed in all sorts of places without any trouble.
Sorry op but in this case I do think you were in the wrong!

[Backtotherealworld]

Sorry OP, but I also think YABU. I used trains frequently when breastfeeding my DCs and would not have dreamt of asking a fellow passenger to move to afford me some privacy.

[Selks]

You were in a public place. You can't expect other people to move because you want privacy to feed. You just have to get on with it, if you are going to breast feed in situations such as that.i think you had a real nerve to ask him to move, to be honest.
But that aside, your baby is adorable

[Johnogroats]

Sorry, but YABU. As others have said, just get on with it. He is the one you insist should have moved, so the guard was more than reasonable to put him in first class. Why should you have been upgraded?

I say this as a mother of 2 bf babies who did a lot of travelling. I threatened to get boobs out at gatwick once...while standing in a very long bag drop queue. Fortunately it wasn't ne essay, but I would have done it. Discretely.

[Brabra]

I cannot believe the fuss you made. I doubt very much that he would have even noticed, but you certainly made sure everyone in that carriage noticed by the scene you created. Why can't you express?

[thewavesofthesea]

Agree that you sound unreasonable; and I say that as someone who has breastfed both of my children into toddlerhood and breastfed them pretty much anywhere in public. Am very supportive of breastfeeding, but I really don't see why he should have moved. You should have just got on with it discretely and he probably wouldn't have noticed.

It is this sense of entitlement and that 'breastfeeding trumps all' that gives breastfeeding women a bad name. Just get on with it; no need to make a scene; the only person that matters is your baby.

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

you had a real nerve to ask him to move, to be honest

surely no need to go that far? another person would have surely jumped up and moved wouldnt you>

I would have !.

[BarbaraWoodlouse]

Sorry I agree. Whilst it would have been nice for him to have moved on request I don't think he had a duty to.

Perfectly possible to feed discreetly in an aisle seat or next to another person. Chances are he'd have budged anyway once your (very cute!) 7M old started kicking him if he's anything like mine was.

[Selks]

For your return journey I'd suggest buying a pashmina or scarf that you can drape round to get a bit more privacy.

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

Why can't you express? mind your own business!

Op trains are not child friendly, they are going to be horrid experiences with children so just get used to it.

[magpiegin]

Yabu. If you need privacy then you could have used a scarf. He was on his allocated seat, why should he have moved?

Your OP sounds like you made a scene as well.

[Selks]

Sweet I am pro breast feeding wherever and whenever, but I do think OP had a nerve, and if I had been asked I would feel annoyed, to be honest.

[thecageisfull]

YABU. If you want 2 seats you have to pay for 2 seats. If I pay for an allocated seat then I'm not going to be turfed out of it because you want the extra seat. The only thing that he did wrong was not stand up when you got back to let you sit down, possible he did this because he thought you were going to snaffle his seat if his arse wasn't on it.

[CoffeeTea103]

Op it was a horrid experience only due to your own behaviour. Next time think of ways you can provide your own privacy rather than ask people to move seats. Unbelievable you would even think to do something like that

[londonrach]

Yabu. Some tickets are only valid if you still in that booked seat and if he moved he might have had to Re-buy his ticket. Couldn't you have used the empty seats if you felt uncomfortable. You shouldn't have just breast-feed in the seat. I doubt he be interested. Welcome to mumsnet what a cute baby.

[MiddleEarthBarbie]

It's actually pretty annoying that there is a thread complaining that someone was happy to sit next to a breastfeeding woman. Good on that man.

[Brabra]

I didn't mean that aggressively sweetpea. I just wondered if the OP had tried different pumps that may be more successful.

[crazyspaniel]

If you require an empty seat next to you then book two seats next time.

[CarryOnDancing]

Unfortunately this thread is very quickly going to turn into a breastfeeding debate and as you've found already there are some people who love to hop onto the "those crazy breastfeeders think they rule the place" bandwagon.
Ignore them, they are odd bitter people and it's more about the general topic than your experience.

People with issues about breastfeeding can't have it every which way. They don't want people with the front of just feeding out in the open but then they resent the request to do it away from the eye of those sneering in judgement.

My advice is to just breastfeed wherever is most comfortable. You aren't doing anything wrong-in fact quite the opposite.

I feed wherever I am when my baby needs feeding because it really doesn't (shouldn't!) concern anyone else. However I do think I would find it difficult to be comfortable in a very confined space with a stranger and looking at it from a kind perspective of everyone just working together for a nice calm and considerate society then you haven't done anything wrong.

However some people are very obsessed with their personal "rights" and may think that booking a seat should trump a baby being fed comfortably. I disagree with this entitled attitude.

[heythatsnotme]

I agree with others, sorry. I also think it was a bit much to keep effectively demanding he move when he had stated he did not wish to.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

What would you have done if the train was completely full? Sorry whilst I understand a preference to feed privately I think in some situations that's not always possible. How do you know he was going to stare at you the whole time anyway?

I think you made an unnecessary drama out of it.

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

Sweet I am pro breast feeding wherever and whenever, but I do think OP had a nerve, and if I had been asked I would feel annoyed, to be honest

wow she I am reading something else here, just a bit of a faffing first time mum trying to get to grips with everything and struggling on our hideous trains....thinking the man in the next seat may be kind enough to move...he wasn't!

Yeah he didnt have too, need to and so on....and he didnt. But I dont see her as arrogrant and rude....and I dont see the nerve in asking people things!He may have said yes - goodness yes of course...and jumped up!