To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

The only thing I can think of suggesting OP is moving house.

Or nit engaging with him if she does not want to, why should she move house

Well said Caillard.

Talking to him one minute and hiding away or ignoring him the next will just confuse him.

I think that would confuse anyone, even NT people. I don't have ASD and that would throw me for a loop.

If you don't like someone, don't pretend to like them.

I've had plenty of people pretend to like me, and then one day they just didn't for no reason that they would tell me. It's not fun anyone.

I agree with the op in that am sure if others were enduring this invasion on a daily basis by ANY neighbour regardless of being asd or not, they would seriously resent it. I would HATE it. I honestly believe his asd has nothing to do with it at all. I think people have been very unfair to you. It's not as if he just says hello, few minutes small talk etc. an hour chat regularly, then back for more later? Totally unreasonable and he is not a friend chosen by you, he is a neighbour, who you are polite to and have given plenty of time to..

You are entitled to sit in your own garden and have privacy and dd is entitled to play without any neighbour popping head over fence.
As for a solution I cannot think of one. Apart from adding trellis but he would talk through the gaps I imagine. How about raising the height of the fence. Make it so he cannot talk over the fence. Then, make up for it by checking in on him a couple of times a week, bit of a chat, go to library for him etc? Am sure you would feel much more neighbourly if it was on your terms as well as his, more of a two way thing than a foisted on you situation.

I can understand you desire for privacy but I do yabu, especially to imply the pervy aspect of things.

He sounds like a lonely old man with SN, not a paedo. Having a chat over the fence is not not a red flag in my mind.

We've just moved, we have a couple in their 40s on one side, the woman of which comes to our back door, opens it, shouts "Yoo Hoo" and walks in. The chap on the other side is in his 80s and sits in his front window and watches the kids play on the field opposite pretty much whenever he is home.

Neither give me any cause for concern. 40s lady is just very friendly and got used to doing what she does with her previous neighbour and 80s chap admits he "loves to watch kids play and have fun, it reminds me of my own child"

Thanks to the 80s chap watching the kids, one lad who came off his bike with serious consequences was helped immediately and his mother baked my neighbour the biggest cake you've ever seen to thank him - which he then came round and shared with us .

After 10 years of barely knowing my neighbours I am LOVING my new home. OPs neighbour just sounds desperately sad and lonely. I think OP just needs to talk to him, properly. She may be surprised at his story.

Actually, letting her chat to him over the fence sounds idea: they each get a willing audience for their inane prattle that isn't you! I get why you're uneasy about this stupid cultural paranoia but just be sure that you can see her, or sick it up and do your gardening while she's out there with him.

Sick? Suck! Autocorrect sigh. ..

I agree, yes he is a lonely man, but op is also entitled to her privacy in her own garden is she not! What if she wants to hang her washing out in her nightclothes or sunbath topless, and keeps having neighbour popping his head over the fence for a chat, would irritate even the martyres on here. It's unfair to imply all or nothing, mabey if op when he pops his head over the fence tells him not right now I'm busy Bob when she does not want to talk, and not engage, gives him boundaries. He is living in the community and needs to learn social boundaries, op giving him a clear not now I'm busy and nit engaging gives him some boundaries.

Oh dear I just realised my daughters have been climbing on our table for the last 10 years to talk to our neighbour when she's in her garden, she must hate us.

I think it is very off for the OP to infer some really horrible things about the man without having any idea about the validity of the claims but then have a go when people don't agree with her.

What a sad world it is that we now live in.

Some dramatics on here!

Oh woe, what a vile & terrible world we live in when a poor, lonely old man can't build a set of steps to enable him peer over the top of a 7 foot fence at someone in their own garden without being thought "strange".

He could fall & injure himself - OP you need to cut holes in the fence at the appropriate heights so he can carry on peering/talking/whatever safely.

If you were a proper neighbour you'd put a gate in there so he could pop round & have tea & scones with you & your daughter in the wendy house.

Anything else would be just wrong......

I totally get where the OP is coming from and if anything feel that she has been far more considerate than I would have been. I used to have a neighbour who always came into the garden when I was in mine, front or back. He was an ordinary family man who just wanted someone else to talk to. I didn't want to talk to him though and would often cut him short so I could do whatever I needed to in peace. The OP deserves to have her peace and her boundaries respected and it seems that this man doesn't understand them hence why he has steps up to the fence.

My advice to the OP is to be blunt about not being able to engage with him because you are busy, want peace and quiet or whatever and go about your business. If your instincts are telling you not to let your 5yo talk to him then keep her from chatting to him unless you are with her.

The neighbour's loneliness is not the OP's responsibility and she has clearly made an effort to help him but he can't or won't accept it. I don't think inviting him around for a meal or offering to do his shopping will help the situation either. It may be neighbourly but the OP wants less to do with this man, not more and she is entitled to feel this way.

macdoodle My 2 dcs chat with the elderly man next door when they're jumping on the trampoline and he's tending his garden. I'm quite sure they talk his ear off, but he's always polite to them. I do step out and shoo them away from the neighbour after a few minutes, not because I suspect him of anything shady, but simply because my dcs will talk to him for hours if he let them, and I don't want them to bother him too much.

OP - the only reason you think he's a perv is because he has social communication difficulties. You are teaching your DD to be afraid of people who are different (and a much loved uncle who loses his hearing isn't in the same ballpark),

And yes, my DS is probably going to grow up to be one of these kind of lonely old men.

Alis - I think the OP was hoping for her prejudice to be vindicated.

And whoever said that the OP might want to sunbathe in her garden topless, I don't know many people who can do that in your average UK house without being overlooked!

I am lucky oddfod I am not that overlooked but could if I wanted to, but would not want my neighbour to keep popping her head over the fence when I am trying to get some peace.

Back in the day the elderly neighbours were lovely, I am sure that we used to annoy them as kids. One kindly elderly man used to invite us in his home for toffees and a chat, it is sad that he might now be viewed as a perv god rest his soul. We would often help our elderly neighbour with shopping and washing her hair and round for a chat so I know how it's like to be neighbourly, but constantly talking over the fence souks irritate SN or not!

I wasn't going to post on this because it dredges up some bad memories but I think I should - I have name-changed to do so as I don't want to be identified.

There was a man in my family with SN (not ASD) who had also served in WW2 and was a lonely old man who liked to watch children playing. I lived in a small village where it was the done thing to be respectful to your elders and all the grown ups told us to be especially nice to - let's call him 'George' - because he had seen Terrible Things and - in the lingo of the time 'was a little bit touched'. It was all 'coo-ee!' and in and out of each other's back doors. He was regularly brought meals and asked to Sunday lunch in our house because 'poor George is lonely'. Any child who ran away from him was told off for being rude and ungrateful for what he had suffered.

All well and good - except the guy was also an abuser. Watching children playing from his house, turned to going to sit near the playground, turned to following his favourite older kids home from school (including me) and offering them sweets, turned to chats, turned to inappropriate touching. He was only stopped when he was seen grabbing an older girl into the bushes and unzipping his trousers...

I AM NOT SAYING that people with SN, or lonely old men are more likely to be abusers - nothing of the sort. What I am saying is that being a lonely old man with SN and being abusive are not necessarily mutually exclusive, just as being a highly successful and popular young man and being abusive are not necessarily mutually exclusive. It is possible to be BOTH and it is REALLY hard to know if you are feeling uncomfortable with someone because they behave differently or if your Mummy Spider Senses are tingling for a good reason.

When it all came out about 'George' a lot of the Mums said that he had always 'creeped them out' but they had suppressed those feelings as being unkind because 'he couldn't help how he is'. At the moment, we are talking about a chat over a fence - hardly a shooting offence. But, you know that your first duty is to your daughter, so if you're feeling uneasy, I say listen to those feelings and keep your distance. If you do a discourtesy to a lonely old man in the process, that's a terrible thing. If you fail to guard your daughter, that's much worse.

Well said Notme. I have posted before about an elderly neighbour who in the 1970s groomed me. That's as far as it went luckily but it was a very uncomfortable situation for me at the time. I was 7 and had been taught to be polite...that meant accepting sweets from him and allowing him to kiss my cheek through his open window whenever I passed. I hated this but kept doing it until I decided it was getting worse and began taking a different route.

Maybe my opinions are coloured by this experience but I'd rather be careful than not.

Oh for gods sake.

I had a relative who abused me. Parents be careful of leaving your child with a close relative. Ever. If you fail to guard your daughter etcetc...

Fwiw very rarely do paedophiles grab people into the bushes. >

JustJoinedForThis

And what sort of world do we live in when people aren't willing to give up an hour of busy time to chat about mashed potato?

Seriously though, I remember a thread not that long ago about a neighbour that looked through the window and waved from the street when she passed the OP's house. No chatting. No interference. Just waving. But the unanimous MN jury decision was that the woman was totally overstepping her boundaries by doing so. This is a totally different ball game and I don't think people defending the guy know how bloody awful it is to be under constant surveillance by someone you're not comfortable being around.

The ONLY thing that matters here is that the OP feels uncomfortable. What part of that can't people accept!??? It's beyond me this talk of her being awful because she's rejecting her neighbour!

SHE DOES NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE ABOUT HIM!!

Genuine question here -

Would it be appropriate for a 20 year old with AS to do this? How about 30, 40, 50?

I'm asking the people who are happy for this "lonely old man" to do this. Would they be as blasé if he was 40 - and if not, why not?