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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

533 replies

lbsjob87 · 07/08/2014 13:47

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 07/08/2014 22:54

OP - AIBU?
Majority - yes
OP - no I'm not
Majority - we still think you are
OP -

Etc etc etc

MysteriousCircusZebra · 07/08/2014 23:01

Maybe he prefers to talk to your 5 yr old because he doesn't feel judged by her.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 07/08/2014 23:02

No I disagree Alivis - she has not flounced she has been attacked and called horrible things and left as she doesnt feel its beneficial and quite a few people think its in appropriate and understand her predicament actually.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/08/2014 23:06

I don't think she has been attacked.

She asked if she was being unreasonable. She has been advised that she is.

Not because she doesn't want to speak to her neighbour but because she has inferred he's a paedophile.

Lots of elderly people really enjoy spending time talking to children because they are so full of life and joy.

I find it amazing the op as an adult without any social issues (though she could still reveal some in a massive drip feed style post) is incapable of politely cutting short conversations.

womblesofwestminster · 07/08/2014 23:10

is incapable of politely cutting short conversations

I thought as he has SN he wouldn't respond to that?

Callaird · 07/08/2014 23:11

Nobody said that she had to put up with him staring over her fence, what we said was that there needs to be a little give and take. He's a lonely old man with some degree of mental health issues. If she chats to him some times and other times explains clearly that it's not a good time, then he will get to understand the difference.

Talking to him one minute and hiding away or ignoring him the next will just confuse him. Being forceful and telling him now is not a good time, however you have 20 minutes free this afternoon, tomorrow or even next Tuesday will give him something to look forward to. You can also tell him during coffee/a chat that you don't like him popping up above the fence and explaining to him that he is breaching your privacy and please could he move the steps. Even though I think a 60+ year old man talking to your daughter over a 7 foot fence is nothing to worry about. What is he going to do? Vault a 7 foot fence, grab your daughter and vault back over again? I'm sure you are keeping an eye on her in the garden and can catch the gist of any conversation.

I think it is awful that people automatically assume pervert when a man talks to a child, if you are supervising your child appropriately, then random men (and women) talking to children is nothing to worry about.

It's people like this who make it that my lovely, kind, gentle 70 year old father who adores children and would love grandchildren but will never have any, feels that he cannot even look and smile at a happy laughing child on the beach or in the park and it makes him miserable.

theendoftheendoftheend · 07/08/2014 23:12

YABU and have caused an issue where really there never needed to be one.

MysteriousCircusZebra · 07/08/2014 23:12

Out of 155 odd posts, she's been called hideous once, and one mentioned that the original post, not the poster, was vile. Hardly a full on attack really is it. Plenty of people disagreeing with the op though. Quite rightly imo.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 07/08/2014 23:14

Calliard I disagree.

I think op has every right to be vigilant, yes she needs to learn how to curtail conversations...but she has no obligations to do anything else.

for all those who are concerned why dont you go and befriend this man.

I also think she has every right to suspicious of his motives as well.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 07/08/2014 23:16
  • if you are supervising your child appropriately, then random men (and women) talking to children is nothing to worry about

Is this not the crux of the problem, she should not have to supervise her daughter in her own garden.

theendoftheendoftheend · 07/08/2014 23:17

No.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 07/08/2014 23:18

yes, it is.

theendoftheendoftheend · 07/08/2014 23:22

No, it isn't. Its about not wanting to engage with a neighbour, due to/or finding it difficult due to that neighbours SN.

he can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other then a lonely old man

And at 5 yrs old a little bit of supervision is required anyway.

Original poster
lbsjob87 · 07/08/2014 23:23

Bugger - left iPad open on this thread and have now seen later posts.

My final word on this:

  1. I HAVE TRIED cutting short conversations. I HAVE TRIED walking away. I HAVE TRIED ignoring him. I HAVE EVEN TRIED saying "I haven't got time for this." The next time it starts exactly the same as before. He can't comprehend it, and it's difficult on a daily basis. I think I have been more than patient, I've never once been rude to him, I've even defended him to other neighbours.

I have also made it clear, though, that he watches us whenever we go out there.
If someone was always watching your child, then started a conversation without you there, that you weren't a party to and that didn't ring an alarm bell then I'm clearly not the only "shit parent" on here.

And OddFodd -that comment was FUCKING insulting. My daughter is SO afraid of disabled people that she asked to learn sign language when he favourite uncle went deaf so they could still communicate. She's 5, FFS. That was far nastier than anything I have been accused of.

I think some of the downright nasty comments on here really put my vague concerns over whether to trust someone into perspective. I think I'd rather the neighbour I have than some of the posters here.

OP posts:
ShitStickSugar · 07/08/2014 23:24

I do kind of get where you are coming from. I used to live next door to an old man. I don't think he has special needs, but I didnt like him. He always wanted to talk. Quite frankly he talked about utter shit and I really was not interested so I ignored him. Im the end he sort of took the hint. Lonely or not I am not interested in people talking about crap to me.

However i really dont get the issue if he wants to chatter away to your dd as long as she is happy to chat back

theendoftheendoftheend · 07/08/2014 23:25

Well thats a fairly positive outcome!

Callaird · 08/08/2014 00:02

SweetSummerSweetPea
*if you are supervising your child appropriately, then random men (and women) talking to children is nothing to worry about

Is this not the crux of the problem, she should not have to supervise her daughter in her own garden.*

I'm sorry, I wasn't talking about supervising in her own back garden, the OP clearly said that he couldn't get to her at all. I was thinking more of in public, the older generation are now scared to look at or smile at a young child in public places in case they get called a dirty old pervert. However, if a child is being properly supervised by their parent, why should the parent be scared of men anyone watching their child? Obviously if they were masterbating wildly or taking photo's then I can understand the worry, but smiling and enjoying young children at play brings me great happiness and I am sure it always will, should I stop looking when I don't have children with me?!

MistressDeeCee · 08/08/2014 00:15

This is just sad. Poor man sounds lonely.

Which of course doesn't mean OP should want to talk to him, or want her daughter to talk to him. But surely to God if someone is overstepping your boundaries you put them right & cut them short..? I mean, what else is there to do?! Sorry I can't understand from post/thread why this cannot be done.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2014 00:19

However patient I was, I think even mind would wear thin at a neighbour constantly popping his head over your fence and talking to you despite telling him that you were not able to talk. Though it's a nice thing to do, op does not have to invite him for tea/coffee, I don't think she wants to, that's her perogative. I guess though it sounds horrid, if you don't want to talk just don't make conversation, by popping his head over the fence to talk he is encroaching on her privacy.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2014 00:21

If op does not engage in conversation when she does not feel like, it's setting him boundaries, that not everyone will want to talk all of the time, mabey to hold back a bit.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2014 00:23

My dd who has AS is opposite, introverted so I think she's happy with her own company, when she's an adult I don't know

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/08/2014 00:28

I don't understand what you wanted from this thread.

Goldmandra · 08/08/2014 00:37

But something instinctively makes me uneasy about a 60 year old man climbing to the top of a 7ft fence to talk to a 5 year old girl when he admits he has shunned several other attempts to make his own friends.

It is common for people with AS to find it easier to interact socially with much younger others. Their peers have expectations of them in terms of social skills, as you do, which young children simply don't, i.e. children are much less judgemental.

He is choosing to initiate a conversation with someone whose social and emotion development is similar to his own.

TheBloodManCometh · 08/08/2014 00:41

Oh this makes me so sad. That poor man

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2014 00:51

Why because op does not want him looking into her garden, trying to,talk to her each time she is out there. Even the most patient of people would find it irritating that every time you go into tge garden neighbour popping his head over trying to talk.