To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

sort of x post there Giles, I agree with every word you have said.

I think its really cruel as well - to be so nasty to someone who has been kind and neighbourly all these years.

After all many people would have ignored him from the get go....she didnt.

Yy sweet

If she'd ignored him she'd have been a bitch and mean and intolerant or agist or anti social or whatever. Everyone would be "oh why can't you spend some time talking to a lonely man who never sees anyone"

So she does, as is polite and all the things people suggest but that's wrong too because she has "strung him on" and made him feel they are friends etc

Unless you have a family member with ASpeegers or whatever how on earth was she supposed to know for sure, or diagnose and know this would happen??

Surely not that the neighbour has victims.

Sorry, no - it was saying that there are quite a few people on this thread that have been abused (by other posters) whereas the neighbour hasn't actually been abused...

And I have already said that the accusations were nasty and there was no need for them.

Hi Marys, are you going to be my little stalker now from thread to thread?

This post is everything that is wrong with this world! A lonely old man gets accused of being a pervert, you should really try to be a nicer person so the same doesn't happen to you when your old and desperate to speak to someone

She should have spoken to him if she was genuinely interested in what he had to say. I bet he'd rather be lonely than have people being 'friendly' out of pity. I'd also bet my entire cornflake collection that he'd want nothing to do with her at all if he had half an inkling of what she really thinks of him.

Unless you have a family member with ASpeegers or whatever how on earth was she supposed to know for sure, or diagnose and know this would happen??

I am not sure building steps to peer over the fence is a linear progression for this sort of thing and impossible to predict!

• I'd also bet my entire cornflake collection that he'd want nothing to do with her at all if he had half an inkling of what she really thinks of him

she thinks he is a lonely man whose family has abandoned him, he has no friends she can see of and she thinks his building steps to peer over the fence and constant stalking....odd..and doesn't know what to make of him. She now has a young DD to take into the equation.

This is after all a man who she just happens to live next too and is doing her best.

But how long would she have had to have spoken to him before the damage was done for want if a better phrase.

It's not usual from one conversation to know enough to base a decision. I know from experience that neighbours can appear ok at first and it's over a period of months or even years that things start seeming a bit off. Then things happen within the family, some one dies and then it's the worst possible time to re evaluate who you speak to and not.

Don't forget that she thinks he's a peodophile, although of course she doesn't want to say it out right, because that wouldn't be nice.

I know Giles, but at least she tried didn't she, she did her best and didn't ignore him and now she is worried about his behaviour which she said is obsessive and her young daughter.

Neighbours going off but keeping to themselves wouldn't be such a problem, but if they were peering over your fence and watching for you to go outside, it very much does become your problem!

And not once have I said that was ok!

But the dd is five

So she was talking to him for seven yrs before she was born.

How long would she have had to cool things off before it was too late and would that have been time to really know them well enough to be able to judge.

Umm...don't think the neighbour has been personally abused, accused, tried and found guilty. He's blissfully unaware, unless he's a lurker on MN.

I agree that most people fake it a bit, with everyone not just people they find annoying (think the Jim Carrey LIAR LIAR film if you think you don't do it)

The OP's actual AIBU question was...."to feel uneasy about this?" The answer is no - you can't help how you feel. It would be unreasonable to state that you think he's probably a paedo; it's NBU to have a vague tiny feeling of uneasiness that there's a small chance he might have the potential to be. But hey ho, that argument has been done to death on this thread.

The second question, and closing line of the OP's first post was "And what do I do about it?" and hardly anyone has made useful suggestions.

• Two people suggested moving house. Good idea, but the current house is going to be hard to sell. Can you imagine if you were viewing a house and went to look at the garden, and at the click of the door handle a head popped over the fence and a chap started to engage and hold you in conversation, and the vendor said, oh don't worry that's only Bob - he's not 7'6", he built steps to see in. He likes to chat for hours, every time we go in the garden, mostly about mashed potato. Sorry the garden's a bit of a mess - Bob didn't really take the hint about us not wanting hour long chats all the time, so we don't go in the garden much any more"

• to the "polite but firm" people - the OP has confirmed that yes, in 12 years this thought has occurred to her, and she has tried it to no avail. Also, it's hard to pretend to be busy if all you want to do is lie quietly in peace in your garden reading the paper without being stared at and talked at.

• to the "clubs" people - the OP has offered to drive him to try some - he has refused. What should she do - bundle him into the car?

• my suggestion: loads on people on this thread seem to think the OP is a mean old cow who should give more time than she already does talking about mashed potato to the lovely lonely old man. Odds are that some of these dozens of people live in Kent. So if you're that concerned about the lonely old man, why don't you drive round to his once a week and take him out for coffee and chat about mashed potato for an hour while the OP gets some gardening done in peace? Anyone? No, thought not.

• My real suggestion: have one go at bluntly saying, "your constant gazing into my garden is intrusive and rude. I don't mind chatting sometimes but if I ask to be left alone then please climb down from the steps and leave me alone. Please don't talk to my daughter unless I'm there" and if he doesn't take this on board, then build the fence to the sky and hope that any petty wee creep of the same mind as the poster who said "The OP is taking a bit of a risk indicating her whereabouts and openly admitting that her fence is technically illegal" gets a grip. The only sun and view the OP is going to block with a big fence is her own and that of the too-much neighbour.

This thread is full of people saying she should spend more time with him of anything.

Now she shouldnt have even spoken to him incase a possibly non existant aN meant mistook their polite ghat for something more.

I'm seriously confused as to what she should have done.

And I repeat the accusations weren't nice before anyone jumps on with that and avoids answering the question.

How long would she have had to cool things off before it was too late and would that have been time to really know them well enough to be able to judge goodness knows.

Its a very hard situation. I doubt either side know each other at all! Like you said talking about the potato etc..

Even with my neighbours we have had some social events over the course of 9 years, been in each others houses a few times...chat occasionally...I know a few scraps here and there....but not deep at all.

Two people suggested moving house. Good idea, but the current house is going to be hard to sell. Can you imagine if you were viewing a house and went to look at the garden, and at the click of the door handle a head popped over the fence and a chap started to engage and hold you in conversation, and the vendor said, oh don't worry that's only Bob - he's not 7'6", he built steps to see in. He likes to chat for hours, every time we go in the garden, mostly about mashed potato. Sorry the garden's a bit of a mess - Bob didn't really take the hint about us not wanting hour long chats all the time, so we don't go in the garden much any more"

sorry this has made me laugh and laugh....

• noddingoff Fri 08-Aug-14 23:14:32 what a fab post nodding...

Sweet,Giles and others.
Thank you for defending me so vehemently. It's nice to know that some people can have a reasoned argument.
I haven't accused anyone of doing anything. I have said that for some reason I feel uncomfortable with this progression. I don't know why.

I joined Mumsnet relatively recently for advice on childcare and other issues. I don't always agree with people's opinions but I would never be as abusive, and in several cases hypocritical to a total stranger as some are on here.

I'm not sure what's to be gained from it - unless you enlist the Fence Police to track me down, the chances of anyone but me knowing who this man is, getting to know him over 12 years and forming their own opinion is pretty remote - so it's clearly just a chance to have a go.

That, to me, seems equal, if not worse than my vague wondering if others would feel the same in my shoes.

I can take the difference of opinion - I asked for it. But the downright abuse and insults, you can keep. I will seek advice somewhere a bit less toxic next time.

nodding

:o

Good summary though

Op it depends on time of day and first few comments can really turn it nasty sadly..you could post same op tomorrow and get loads of people saying your a saint, they could not put up with it.

I agree with nodding that the only recourse is to build more fences....try speaking to him, call round and stuff. but really....put trellis up...and sturdy taller fences...

terrible isn't it
you ask aibu and some people say you are