To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

if he is waiting for them to come out,and has purposely built stairs to talk and watch them when they do so..not sure what else you could call it.

You could call it an inability to understand the relevant social rules and impaired theory of mind.

You could then respond appropriately or you could label him as a stalker and report him in order to absolve yourself of any moral responsibility to treat him with compassion.

I think some people are so dis ingenious, I cant imagine anyone being happy with being watched day in and day out...every time back door opens and so on.

Yes, Willis, it does. It makes no sense at all. You just have to accept that you'll never know the reason, but there must be a reason.

Whilst I know the hysteria and hyperbole is fun, the OP said that the man built steps so he could see over the fence to talk to them.
He didn't build steps so he could get over the fence.
So he remain an apparent danger - a 60 year old man trying to see over a 7ft fence to talk.

Scary shit !

You could then respond appropriately

which is how.

Lets bear in mind this man has a niece who thinks he has something.

Very vague.

DH sister said her granny was "a mad old bat".

Was she? NO!

No sweet I am sure anyone would tire of it after a number of months or years. Op needs to be polite and keep it civil with him

Maybe he is a ninja

It's not dangerous fgs but annoying when shock horror you want some privacy or to be left alone! Would you find that acceptable if the man was NT, no!

I doubt this man is a pervert, but who knows.

However if he is a pervert, its not a million miles away to think he would want to simply perve at the child running round in the garden.

the same way some men, go and sit and lurk near school gates to pleasure themselves or expose themselves to the children.

they may not get near enough to touch them....but seeing them is enough.

'Lets bear in mind this man has a niece who thinks he has something.'

What?

sweetsummersweatpea, you're beginning to sound like a bit of nelly.

I think he sounds innocent, but the privacy thing would bother me. If he has aspergers might he respond OK to you kindly but firmly setting some boundaries?

I'd be really unhappy if either of our neighbours built steps so they could gawp at us over the fence. It's not acceptable at all.

This man hasn't had much of a life has he? Maybe he would have liked to have married and had children. Instead he looked after his mother until she died and now lives alone and lonely. I'm not surprised "his face lights up" when the OP speaks to him and he can't stop talking. No doubt there are countless people, of both sexes, who are in exactly this position and look out for every opportunity for a bit of human contact and end up irritating other people because of that. If it is true that he has any SN or AS or is "just a bit weird" (and who can blame him? I'm a bit weird and I'm married with a child) then he may well not have realised he was viewed as a nosy nuisance, but even if he has wondered if he was annoying you, because you were trying to get on with something, at least he will feel free to have a little chat with your DD about school as he won't be stopping her from doing any chores.

My husband could well have been in the situation this man is in. He lived with his mother until he was 40. He's now 67 and a more wonderful husband and father (we have a 23 yr old DD) you couldn't get. If he was still living in his little village alone and retired I can imagine he would behave similarly. Loneliness is miserable and facing every day like this is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. To suggest reporting him for stalking or grooming (both have been mentioned) is ludicrous and unkind, given the information we have.

he looked after his mother until she died

His choice. What's your point?

I bet the OP is horrified at some of the shit drivel coming out of the mouths of the posters on her 'side'.

Absolute rudeness, and as for the talk about men watching children and pleasuring themselves .

No understanding, no compassion or basic civility in some posts here.

You must be wonderful to live next to.

Grunt that was a lovely post.

Womble your reaction to it sums you up in a sentence.

Dispicable.

ODFO Womble it's boring now. We know you have a problem with people with additional needs, we've got that. It's rude and unpleasant but kindly stop inflicting it on those of us who have additional needs or have children with additional needs, or (shock, horror) both.

Feel very sorry for this man.
My DS has special needs, he loves talking to people. He is only 9 but I can imagine he would feel extremely lonely if he was on his own at 60 and would be desperate to talk to people.

I cannot believe how little family means to people here in the UK. I feel so sorry for that poor man, with none to visit him.

This thread makes me sad. Poor, lonely guy. I'm really shocked at some of the responses. Screw compassion and head straight for SS eh? Lovely.

The old gent that lives next door to me lost his only son as a young adult. He doesn't have any grandchildren. He lost his wife 2 years ago and was burgled shortly afterwards. He has a terminally ill sister who is childless and a brother who has dementia. He has a nephew that he sees maybe monthly. He is lonely.

I've lived in my new house for 6 weeks and know all this. IMHO Older people just want someone to talk to, SN or not, loneliness is a killer. OPs neighbour sounds lonely and awkward to me. He probably finds it easier to talk to a child than to OP - especially if she isn't that welcoming. I find it very hard to believe that OP is being 'ambushed' by him every time she sets foot out of the door, and I really don't understand why it is so hard to simply have a conversation with him. What exactly does he do that means OP cannot bear to talk to him?

You know, all this thread has done is make me determined to check on my own neighbour more often. I could be that neighbour one day - how horrible to think I could be resented that much for simply wanting to chat

Who's done that Maryz?