To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

Oh ok. X-posted Sweet.
Clearly not trying to actually discuss anything - just random 'pedo' bingo.

My mistake.

I give up. What a fucked up twisted world that people automatically make the jump that because someone chats to a child, they might be a paedophile.

The OP has just had a baby, and she hears the neighbour speaking to her 5yo about the new baby. sigh. You just couldn't make it up. I do not understand OP's mindset at all.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly you expect an elderly male to do to your supervised 5yo over a 7 foot fence? As you haven't answered and it's been asked a couple times, I can only think that you haven't thought that far. You've made your decision and don't really want facts or reality to interfere with that.

So be it. But don't take your dcs to the park or school or the high street. There are sometimes MEN there you know. And even people with SNs. And some of those with SNs are actually men! And they sometimes chat with children. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

has no right to her garden, no right to feel comfortable in her own space outside

Please, please show me the post which says that the OP has no right to her garden.

I've read lots of posts suggesting how she could communicate her needs and the relevant social rules to him in case he is misunderstanding them, others explaining why he might find it easier to talk to a child and why it doesn't necessarily suggest that he is grooming her and some suggesting that she finds a time when she can chat to home out of compassion for him and his situation.

As a parent of two children with AS, it is hard to hear that someone being different is a reason to consider them to be more of a risk to a child. There's no evidence for this view and it's right that posters are challenging it.

He could be a risk to the child in the same way anyone else could be a risk. This risk isn't greater because he is different.

Oh ok. X-posted Sweet.
Clearly not trying to actually discuss anything - just random 'pedo' bingo

Do you agree Pag that pedos have no profile, they can be akward, socially at ease, rich, poor, tory or labour they are everywhere.

or is it just the preserve of the charming?

Not sure what your getting at here about sensible discussion>

I was referring to Dawn who seems to think because the one pedo she knew was charming that they are all charming.
Yes, because my sentence structure, use of language etc all denote how incredibly thick I am.

As a parent of two children with AS, it is hard to hear that someone being different is a reason to consider them to be more of a risk to a child. There's no evidence for this view and it's right that posters are challenging it.He could be a risk to the child in the same way anyone else could be a risk. This risk isn't greater because he is different

Absolutely gold, there is no greater risk because he is different.

He probably just wants to chat and would chat to op if she went back into her garden. He only chats to the child as she is the only one who still uses the garden!

sweetsummer yes make time.
I have been neighbours for thirteen years with mine and still talk to them. .

Yes,there is nothing wrong with monitoring your dcs, I've always done it and always will. But not with horrible thoughts in my head, just normal parenting.

Just seems this thread is mean. Can you not just carry on gardening etc while saying yes and hmmming every few mins. Or just look up and smile. But not speak. Or sing along to music and pretend you can't hear him.

I get that he's intruding, but my need for compassion and kindness would overide that.

I think my future is very bleak. I'm alone and I'm lonely, I have a job with little interaction with other adults. I have no special needs but I am socially awkward. I have no real friends (although they may disagree) more acquaintances. I dislike myself so don't expect people will like me either.

I work with children, I love children, I have a great rapport with children.

I am going to be the lonely, weird, crazy witch lady who people with cross the road to avoid and shield their poor children from me.

Callaired there will always be kind people who go out of their way to include others and make conversation.

Who smile at someone 'different'.

May your paths cross at every opportunity.

I get that he's intruding, but my need for compassion and kindness would overide that.

I think your compassion and kindness would over ride that for a few days, maybe weeks. A couple years and you'd be banging your head against a wall too.

Really, I think it's a problem of. He built stairs, she didn't feel comfortable speaking up, now it's gotten more annoying. Her daughter is the excuse to tell him after 12 years of not saying anything. She didn't need her daughter as an excuse to say she reached the breaking point.

Not to make fun of British people, but this seems like the equivalent of "He said my name wrong and I went with it for too long, now how do I correct it?". Not really an easy answer for it that doesn't involve being a bit awkward.

But that's why I'm saying, you don't need an excuse to tell someone to knock something off. If it bugs you it bugs you.

Glad to see you back OP.

Just to reiterate what many have said (and not to have a 'go' at you) - If your neighbour does have Autism/AS or a form of, then hints won't work. Saying "I'm busy" or building a fence won't register. You will need to be clear and set boundaries such as "If I'm doing the gardening I can't stand and talk to you. How about we talk for 10 minutes?" Even if that means you set a timer on your phone and at the end say "Time is up, we'll do this again" or something similar. That way things are clearer to him.

Nothing wrong with having instincts or feeling uncomfortable. You have lived next door to him for some considerable time, so presumably you know what is 'normal' for him.

However, If and again it's an If he has some form of special needs then his "normal" won't concur with yours. The constant need to talk, the repetition of favourite subjects (obsession with things) and the building of steps to me suggest that he may have a form of SN. He may not, he may just be odd.

Unfortunately without input from his family or further assistance you can ultimately only do what you can to feel comfortable.

It's difficult to determine what the best course of action is, but it would be a shame to snub someone if there is a more tactful way to get them to back off.

Good lord, what an awful op. Poor man is lonely, has never done anything untoward in all the time you've lived there and you allude to him being a pervert for talking to your daughter about school?!

I have a socially awkward, lonely woman for a neighbour who uses any opportunity to chat and come and see DD 21mo. I wouldn't dream of treating her like this, she is invited in for coffee once a week, DP fixes broken things in her house and we both chat to her when we see her. Sometimes we tell her that we are really busy right now but would she like to come for a cuppa in the garden later. She is lonely, not suspicious.

I feel very sorry for your neighbour, although yanbu to want some privacy sometimes. Be straightforward with him about that, if he's aspergers he will not take offence but appreciate that.

After reading over 300 posts you have reached this conclusion womble? You sound SO angry about this!

Right on both counts.

what in god's name do people think an elderly man is going to do to a supervised 5yo over a 7 ft fence?!?!

Groom them. It's a possibility. Even if he doesn't, OP owes him nothing and is entitled to owe him nothing.

Yes. And people are entitled to think she is callous.

*Not calling someone a paedophile is slightly different to becoming a 24 hour carer for them.

Hth*

People are suggesting having him in for tea, and making other commitments to him. HTH.

They're also suggesting she learns to deal with him looking over at her constantly! Bloody cheek.

got to love the op
she just gets better........not

They're also suggesting (gentler) ways of discouraging him. Bloody cheek!

They're also suggesting she learns to deal with him looking over at her constantly!

Yep, WTF.

As for 'gentler' ways of discouraging him, HE DOESN'T GET GENTLE. He doesn't understand it.

tbh I'd just phone SS and cite stalking.

why ss why not 999
quick it is an emergency. man is talking to small child over a 7ft fence

It's not likely police are going to give this man a harassment warning. Not likely at all.

There have been many posters (me included) who have recognised the need for privacy, but tried to encourage the OP to find kind ways of getting the point across.

Giving him a 'gob full', calling the police,reporting him for stalking and on it goes.

All bloody unkind, and liable to cause distress.

Some posters would welcome him tarred and feathered it seems.

I'm pretty sure with harassment you need to make it clear you want them to stop.

Think about your best friend, now imagine that's your only friend. You get along great and can talk about anything and everything with her. One day you get papers for harassment because apparently she couldn't stand you. You'd be very hurt and confused and wonder what you did to upset her. Do you see why this is wrong wombles?

I've actually had something like this happen. Had some very good friends at work, we shared ideas and files, ate lunch together. Then one day out of the blue they refused to hang out with me, and reported me for going into their files that they said I could. Nothing came of it, because I didn't plagiarize or steal credit. Really, they just wanted to throw me under the bus to get ahead. But I was still thrown for a loop and very confused about why they one day decided they didn't like me anymore. The best I could come up with is us bickering a few months earlier. But the day before we were getting along great. The next day we weren't, and they decided to bully me relentlessly from there on out because no one wanted to humor their bullshit.

The point is, no one likes being blindsided like that. Don't do it. If you have a problem with someone, have the decency to talk to them about it first.

There are some major over reactors on here who have no idea what it's like for the op. Yes I wouldent mind him talking to my child, I bet you would find it irritating over time, each time you go to the garden and a head pops up and wants to chat, well you want your privacy what is wrong with that!!!!! Sometimes you just don't want to chat, it wires both ways. I don't think anyone has said that because the man has AS he us a paedophile, some over active minds on here. Mabey because he is simebody she doesent know too well, not because he has AS, I guess she would be cautious with any adult her talked to if they were out and about.